June 1991

6/9/1991 Sun. 1:47 AM

The last week and a half has been incredible! I have some amazing stories to share. First, the visit with Dad was fantastic. He stayed overnight, brought a few knick-knacks, and we went out to dinner and then to Sugar Loaf Market. I sang him two songs, played the tape Bill made of the voice exercises, and a few “appropriate” edits. I also showed him my drawings and some new clothes. He watched the Frontier and Pub performance tapes and really got into them. We also watched some TV together.

Mom said she’ll be up in a month or two and told me how beautiful Dad thought the apartment was. He was blown away when he saw it and took several pictures.

Both Mom and Tammy called. Mom asked if I was sure nothing else was included in the rent. When I said no, she said they’ll send $150 instead of $140 from now on—an extra $10, which will surely help. I told her that as soon as anything singing-related comes up, I’ll let her know.

Joe, the guy I met roller skating, called, and we had a great talk. It feels good knowing Kim and Mark have known him for years. He said I sounded very serious and determined and even mentioned my fears before I did. He reassured me that I wouldn’t embarrass myself. We sang some Spanish over the phone—he knows Linda’s songs from Canciones de mi Padre. He said he’ll call again soon.

Now I’m going to listen to some music for a bit, then write about the most adventurous event I had earlier.

6/10/1991 Mon. 4:33 PM

First, I’ll write about my very interesting adventure, which will bring my current life up to date. After that, I’ll go back into the past.

Well, because I never went to court for Jenny, there was a default warrant out, as I expected. Before I get to that, though, I need to back up a bit and mention something else. They’re connected, though.

I’m not sure if I mentioned Laurie H before, but I’ll run through it anyway. Right before I moved, I was in the ER and noticed an attractive lady cop. I knew immediately that, because I liked her, God would never let me have her. Still, I decided to play the chase and snoop anyway, like I usually do. The chase is always more enjoyable than the capture—even though there’s never a capture unless it’s someone I don’t want.

After I left the ER and went outside to wait for Brenda to pick me up, Laurie came out to her cruiser to smoke a cigarette. I asked her for a light so I could talk to her and get a better look. I noticed that, yes, you could tell she was gay, but she was pretty at the same time. Her hair was just below her shoulders, and she had beautiful brown eyes.

That was the last I saw of her. This was either directly before or after meeting Kim. After I moved, while Kim was still working at Baystate, she got some information on Laurie H.

After I see The People’s Court, I’ll finish the story.

6/11/1991 Tues. 1:17 AM

I’m not going to write too long about Laurie or all the other stuff. I can barely keep my eyes open and have only had three hours of sleep. I had to be up by 7:30 this morning.

So, about Laurie: Kim found out her name and that she was originally from Greenfield. Kim saw her three times or so and had an instant feeling that she was gay, even though she doesn’t look overly butchy. One night, before Kim left the ER, she saw Laurie going home in a wheelchair. Kim told me she was in uniform and had been hurt on duty. She didn’t know how Laurie got hurt but said she would be out of work for a few days.

Right after this discussion, I called 411 and got her number. Although it was 2 AM and my heart was pounding, I thought, “What the fuck?” Of course, I knew I’d never have a fling with her, so I figured I’d just have fun. When she answered, I realized her voice sounded much manlier than I remembered. Her attitude was that of a major butch, too. At first, I asked for a phony name, and at that point, she was nice and told me I had the wrong number, of course. I hung up, and then it hit me that she was fully awake. Second shift people are usually awake at that time, but I’ll finish the story tomorrow.

I am zonked, so I’m going to listen to music, then crash.

6/12/1991 Wed. 12:52 AM

Anyway, as I was saying last, I realized Laurie was awake, so I once again said to hell with it. I called back without giving out any information and got right to the point. She flipped on me immediately, denying she was gay and demanding a name. I hung up without telling her anything and was curious as to why she'd lie about being gay. Usually, hard asses like her tell it like it is with no fear. They're the types who don’t give a shit whatsoever about what someone else thinks. It was obvious too, by her looks, the sound of her voice, and definitely her attitude.

I gave up on her for almost two months until I looked in the phone book. There were three others with her last name listed, so I called her mother and her sister-in-law. Her parents were pissed, and her sister-in-law was too, but then they became friendly, figuring I was trying to help Laurie. I told them both that Laurie was gay and afraid to tell them. The mother swore at me, saying it was Laurie's business what she does. I asked the sister-in-law if she knew; she said no and that people's sexual preferences are none of her business. She also said Laurie knows she can talk to her and knows she works with a gay woman.

Finally, late one night at 3 AM, I called her brother Tim and “crossed” him with Laurie. They were confused at first until I whispered, “Laurie.”

She goes, “What was that?”

Tim said, “Someone just whispered ‘Laurie.’”

Laurie asks, “Are you serious?”

Then, after Tim said yes, Laurie told him to hang up and let his machine pick up to see if they could get a voice. I did call and left a tape of Nervous and Fran's brother Rick arguing on his machine. I did this a few times until I called back, begging for him to pick up the phone, all the while playing the AT&T operator. He did, and I crossed him with Laurie.

Laurie immediately told Tim, “That woman's on the line. I’m gonna kill you and pummel your face in. We’re gonna come down real hard on you, woman, as soon as we get a name. We know you’re connected with the hospital. That much we got.”

Tim said, “Laurie, when you get her, have her killed.”

She said, “With my very little hands.”

So finally, I spoke up with all my wacky lines and really confused them as to who the fuck I am and where I am and how I have so much information. I told her how I saw her and liked what I saw.

I asked her how you get AIDS in your ear, and she said she didn’t know. I said, “By listening to assholes,” and then she said she must have AIDS in her ear.

Tim asked which one was going to be the dominant one, and I began singing Crazy in Love with You by Linda. Laurie said, “You are crazy for sure.”

I said I was half sane, half insane.

Laurie said, “No, you’re leaning on a good 95% insane.”

I said, “Well, if you let me have a date with you, I’ll drop it to 90%.”

Finally, Tim told Laurie he thought the whole thing was amusing.

Laurie said, “Well, I don’t. Not at this point.”

Even though she was pissed, you could tell she was quite curious.

After Tim hung up, I told her I’d only seen her once and mentioned her lighting my cigarette. I never mentioned Kim’s name or my last name or address, but I did give her my first name and phone number.

She swore she’d never harm me and said, “We all have our skeletons in the closet, but I don’t think you’re a bad person. I have the information now, Jodi, and I could do something if I wanted to, but I’m not going to. I give you my word as a woman and as a cop, I could, but I won’t. However, if you agree to stop calling my family and call me here at a decent hour, I’ll talk to you.”

After I hung up, I realized she could find out who and where I am, as I know so many cops. I also knew that if she spoke to cops who knew me, they’d put in a good word for me. I figured, why worry about it anyway? Yes, I was skeptical, but she really had me believing she was sincere.

The next day, I left two messages on her machine in the early afternoon, plenty of time before she was to be at work. I tried other times too, but hung up as soon as I got the machine.

At that point, I started to get a bad feeling. After three days of not hearing from her, I got a call from Sergeant D at the Springfield Police Department. At first, I hung up on him until I realized two things: one, he and Laurie had probably found out my full name and where I live; two, he sounded nice and not “out to get me” in a bad way. He sounded much nicer than Laurie. At that point, I could see that Laurie would freak out over anything and was just another insensitive, lying butch.

I tried to call Sergeant D back, but he had already left.

I called Laurie after that; of course, she had her answering machine on and said, “I want you both to call me back, and I want to know why you lied.”

I’ll write more after I watch A Current Affair. I spoke to Andy last night, so later I’ll write about that too.

9 PM

I watched A Current Affair but decided not to watch Unsolved Mysteries as it was another repeat. You’d think with all the crime in the world, they’d come up with new shows, but I guess not.

Last night when Andy called, he played me a tape of some calls he’d made. They were funny. He said that as soon as he fills up the tape, he’ll mail it to me so I can edit it.

He also told me that he and a friend are going to see Gloria in July. He’s going to send me two tour books. Two, because they put pictures back-to-back. We figure they’ll be $10 apiece, so instead of him sending me $35—which he owes me—he’ll send $15. I told him to send me the money right away, and I’m mailing him a tape of the new edits.

Now, to continue with Laurie, Sergeant D, and the bench warrant: the following night, I went to the movies with Kim. Upon returning home, there were two messages on my machine. First was D, sounding friendly and patient, telling me he just wanted to run a few things by me and to call collect if I wanted to “save a dime.” Lord only knows what my phone bill is gonna be, even though it was worth it.

The second message was from Laurie, with a slight snobbish edge, though she was calm. She said, “Hi Jodi, this is Laurie H. If you’re there, I’d appreciate you picking up the phone (pause). Well, obviously, you have my number. Return the call, and I’ll talk to you at this point. Thanks. Bye.”

First I tried reaching D, but once again, it was too late. He had gone home.

6/14/1991 Fri. 3:30 AM

Now, I’m going to try to wrap up this story once and for all, then I’ll get back to the past. I called Laurie since I couldn’t reach D. Right away, she came out and told me I had two options: one, they could seek an arrest warrant; two, I could be at the Springfield Police Department the following night at 7:00.

The next day, I called D collect and explained that there was no way I could get there—I had no car and no ride. I told him how and why I had recently moved, that Kim and Mark were the only ones I knew, and that they were at the Cape. I also explained that Dad was coming up and that I only see him once a year.

I was honest with him but tried to make him feel for me at the same time. Luckily, he was very sensitive and understanding. I told him that, yes, I had a flaky side, but I wasn’t a bad person. He said, “I know you’re not a bad person, and I know why you left the city.”

Then he put me on hold. While waiting, I realized he had spoken to cops who knew me. He was just so nice and even gave me a three-day continuance until the following Saturday. I knew Kim could drive me then.

We also discussed the warrant connected to Jenny, and I told him the whole story. He said the courts would take care of that and that I’d have to go there.

After Dad left, I discussed it with Kim and Mark. Kim agreed to drive me. She was a little nervous but not overly worried. I was a little on edge about the warrant, but I told myself not to worry. Kim and I both figured Laurie would be there, but she wasn’t.

I dressed nicely and carried myself as well as I could.

Sergeant D looked nothing like he sounded. He laughed when I told him he sounded older. He was very young, and Kim thought he was cute.

After we spoke, I could tell he thought I was attractive, and I could see he was honest and friendly. Of all the times I wished I were ugly to turn people off, I really appreciated my looks that night. They helped, along with my attitude and knowing other cops, and being related to a guy named Jim, who’s a lawyer.

Finally, D said, “The case with Laurie is over as far as I’m concerned and out of my book. I’m not even going to have you go to court—prank phone calls are not our top priority. We don’t want the hassle any more than you do.”

Then we discussed the warrant. I told him I couldn’t get to court last Thursday or Friday and planned to go on Monday. He said the West Springfield police would have to come and get me and hold me there until the courthouse opened Monday morning.

As he was explaining this, Kim and I mentioned my asthma, and I pretended to be terrified.

Finally, D said, “Well, there’s no bail on defaults, but I’m gonna call West Springfield and try to talk to them along with the clerk from the courts. I can’t promise anything, but I’ll try my best. Meanwhile, you’ll still need to go downstairs and give them general information.”

Kim waited upstairs while he took me downstairs to the garage area where I had been three and a half years ago when I called that pig—the one I supposedly threatened over the phone and who later sexually harassed me. He left me with another plainclothes cop while he made his calls.

That cop was nice too, and we chatted here and there. Then two young cops in uniform came to get me in a cruiser. One looked at me and said, “Ooh,” then asked if I was a social worker. I said no, I was a singer. He asked why I was there and if I’d be around for a while. I said no and that I lived in South Deerfield.

When I got inside the cells and began giving the desk cop my information, I noticed three cops in a room with glass windows. I read their lips—they were commenting on my looks.

Another cop came up next to me and said, “I like short girls with nice long hair. You wouldn’t mind a guy with buck teeth, would you?”

I told him I had buck teeth, too.

When the desk cop asked for my last name, the same cop said, “Jodi?”

It hit me. I said, “John P?”

He said yes and asked how Andy was. Andy had met him on one of his nighttime walks with his Batman cape.

At that moment, the phone rang. The desk cop said West Springfield wasn’t coming. Another cop said, “She’s going to be ROR’d right out of here.” There were maybe six or seven cops.

The desk cop said, “I hate to put you in a cell, but it’s for your own protection, as someone violent could be brought in. You’ll only be there for half an hour until the clerk arrives.”

I asked, “Am I going to be in a cell with other people who may be violent?”

John P said, “Nope. You get your own room.”

Then the matron took me to a cell. I paid bail and got out half an hour later.

On the way home, Kim and I were amazed at how nice everyone was. No one gave me the cold shoulder. Kim said, “You are so lucky. They broke the law for you. There’s no bail on defaults.”

Mark was shocked when he heard about it. The following Monday, he took me to court. Even though we weren’t there long, he found it interesting.

That Saturday night, after Kim and I described an interesting and somewhat adventurous night, I called Sergeant D and thanked him.

I go to court again on September 12th. I don’t know if Jenny will be there, but I hope she is, and I’ll write why after the court date.

Wait until I show Kim just how many pages it took me to write about all this.

11 PM

The last thing I wrote about in my past was when I ditched Ron and told my family I was gay. That wasn’t quite the end of my sexual encounters with men, as I was still naïve. I hadn’t yet learned to say “no” and was still wondering, like most 21-year-olds, how to act on being gay and finding a woman. I was still insecure and hadn’t learned that you can’t make someone feel, want, or think what they don’t want. You can’t make someone want and love you.

I still didn’t know that love was out and sex was in—at least in 95% of the population. I still didn’t know about gay bars, what a butch was, or that gay women could look like men and not like women, which I wanted. I still thought I was one in many thousands—until my Aunt Ruth told me being gay wasn’t as unique as I thought. I read statistics showing that one in ten people is gay.

I had met plenty of gays, but I was too young to understand and hadn’t met anyone face-to-face to discuss it. I think it was more disappointing how many gay women were unattractive than how messed up so many people were. It would still be a while before I learned all of this.

6/15/1991 Sat. 3:09 AM

After 6 or 7 months with Ron, I ditched him from my life. That was at the beginning of February, I think. Then, on June 30th of 1987, I moved out of Woodside Terrace. It was a mutual agreement between the landlord and me, as I was having problems with some of the other tenants. They were kind enough to let me take my time, and they never gave me a legal eviction notice. If only I knew then what I know now, I could've fought it in court and won, cuz you know me. I'd never cause anyone major trouble unless they did shit to me. Other than calling people I don't know, or those who have given me a reason to dislike them, I don't want hostility so close to home.

So, this was when I moved to Oswego St., which at the time was 10 times worse than Woodside Terrace. First, let me back up to February when I met both Fran and Nervous, who lived next to each other on the 1st floor.

Ron had worked as a maintenance guy at McDonald's, where we met. Fran had also worked there at one time, so that's how they met. Before I moved, Fran got evicted, and I met up with Stuart B, who I went to Longmeadow High with. Stuart’s gay too, and also was not at home for most of his teenage years. He and I have been friends now for 2½ years, and I think he still lives on Locust St., where he's been for 8 years now.

I feel our friendship ending was for the better, as he was the same case as Fran was in most ways. Both Stuart and Fran and I could hold nice conversations and have lots of laughs, but at the same time, they were too off the wall and unpredictable. And I thought I was once about as bad as you can get.

Around April, before I moved, I had a second roommate by the name of Barbara T. She was quickly in and out before a month was out. That was the one who only stole an Afghan and some coasters, which didn’t mean shit but rang up a $143 phone bill. When I called the phone company about it, they removed it from my bill due to my good acting. However, I don't think I could get that lucky again in a million years. God was with me that day.

As for Nervous, I met him one day in February when I had the flu and asked him for a ride to the ER. I liked Nervous so much till I found out what he was all about, but keep in mind I’m not the same person I was when we met. If we were starting all over and I met him for the first time now, I'd never associate with him. His obsession with me back then pissed me off and rather embarrassed me cuz of the way he is. Today, I find it quite amusing, and I know that that's life, no matter what kind of person you are or what you look like. I really miss his spying and my playing dead or crossed-line with him. Also, I miss taping him and Fran or Andy. That, I'd do all over again if I could, in a minute.

4:42 AM

About half a year after I moved, my friendship with Jenny and Mary ended. Jenny and I had grown to be two totally different people. We had met in grade school. Mary was too flaky and never returned the stuff she borrowed. Her brother was a loser, too.

I missed Nancy, who had lived next door to me on Woodside Terrace. She moved out a month after I did and got married.

I still spoke with Emily every now and then, and shortly after I moved, Larry and John sold my building and hers. Right before Larry and John sold out all their Spfld. property, they evicted Nervous for not paying his rent. Nervous then stayed at the Y, and when he couldn't afford that, he was out sleeping in his car. Because he was so obnoxious and had a lousy attitude too much of the time, I wouldn't take him in. Eventually, he got a room in a rooming house.

My neighbors were ok, except for Nellie and José, who stole checks and a boom box from me. The bank reimbursed me, but I always liked Nellie and felt that she'd be a decent person if she weren’t a thief and a druggie.

Hank pissed me off at first till I shocked him by going after him. Not punching him or intending to harm him, but scaring some sense into him. I intended to go further if I ever needed to, but we became friendly. Hank began to respect me, not cuz he would've liked to get down my pants or cuz I was gay, but cuz I wasn't scared of him. He was going with the woman next door on and off, and she was ok. I only got mad at her once when she accused me of fucking around with Hank when I was only downstairs talking to him or bumming smokes. Hank lived below me, and Mattie lived next door. That night, she pissed me off, and I chased her into her apartment. She beat me to it, slammed and locked the door, and I stood outside it, kicking it and screaming at the top of my lungs. I heard her calling the cops, so I ran inside my place, shut my lights off, and just stayed there. They knocked on my door, but I never answered. Hank told me the next day that Mattie was scared of me. I told him, as pissed as I was, and with all my cussing at her, I'd never be dumb or cruel enough to lay a hand on a 62-year-old woman. I told Hank if Mattie wanted to be friendly, so would I—but to ask, rather than accuse me of anything.

The nicest and sanest neighbors I had were these two sisters who were in their late 60s, Anna and Julia. They lived next door to me on the other side. Also, Dotty, who lived on the 1st floor next to Hank.

There were two adjoining buildings, each with two apartments per floor. My side was the 1-bdm side, and the other was the 2-bdm side. Very different from the Woodside-Locust complex and much smaller. All the apartments were big on Woodside-Locust. The Oswego St. ones were smaller.

Locust had 3 1-bdm apartments per floor. Woodside had 3 1-bdm apartments per floor and 1 studio per floor.

Next time I write, I'll write about my third roommate, Crystal. I'll always have mixed emotions about Crystal, but she was definitely the best roommate when she wasn’t being lazy or stealing from me. When I remember Crystal, I feel sorrier for her than angry. We had things in common, such as our backgrounds, and hit it off instantly. She and I had a lot of laughs, and we made phone calls and ranked on Nervous together. She was hardly ever home, though, as she was too busy hanging with the wrong kinds of people—such as her boyfriend, who was always beating the shit out of her, yet she'd keep going back for more.

She'll always be a lost cause and forever naïve. Always be a loser and know people who are losers. She'd have a much harder time attracting decent people than I ever would.

Sometimes I feel like a lost cause only cuz there's no possible way to get anything I really want, no matter how hard I try and how much effort I put into it. If humans lived to be 1000 years old, I'd never be a singer or get even one night with someone I'm sexually attracted to, whether I tried to or not.

However, Crystal's the type you could hand something to on a silver platter, and she'd refuse it.

So, she moved out in either late February or early March of 1988.

I really don't feel like writing now, even though I have nothing better to do. I'm bored and I'm hungry but I can't get my food stamps until tomorrow. Also, I feel like shit.

6/18/1991 Tues. 3:53 AM

I'll not write too long, as I'd like to try to go back to sleep soon. I had a fairly productive day today and finally got my food stamps. I got a few things to hold me over until tomorrow night when I go to Food Fart with Kim. However, I'm dying for my coffee!

I received the pictures in the mail today that Dad took of the place when he was here. They came out well. I also got some pictures of Tammy, Bill, and the girls. The girls looked fantastic, but Tammy looked like she was sick that day.

It's funny how Tammy's had the same hairstyle for years and always wears the same clothes, while I'm so into variety. Kim told Dad what most people would agree on. When she comes over here, she never knows what my hair's gonna look like or what I'll be wearing.

Hank called a few hours ago. He was in the hospital, as I suspected. He had a valve in his heart closed.

Another thing is, if the phone you're using has call forwarding, you could check for that if you know how. By pressing *72#, and if you get a busy signal, you'd know that the phone didn't have it. You couldn't check for call-waiting unless you were talking to someone and it beeped. Then you'd know it was on the line. 3-way calling, you don't have to check for or be familiar with it to figure it out. If you call 411 to get a number, then hit the receiver to make a call, you get an instant dial tone if it didn't have one. If it did, it would beep three times, then you'd get a steady dial tone.

The last time I spoke with my mom, she had mentioned the "extras," and I told her I didn't have any "extras." Well, of course, I do not have call-waiting or call forwarding, and I never intend to get them. I don't need them. However, I'd hate to live without 3-way calling, which I got a month or so after I moved here. So, after I told my mom I didn't have any extras, she goes, "Mhm," in a tone of voice as if to say, "You're full of shit." After I hung up with her was when I realized that Dad probably caught that when he was using the phone to call Ma with his calling card.

Of course, what it all comes down to once again is I'm an adult, so I’ll have on my line whatever I damn please.

5 AM

Well, it looks like I'm going to be up for a while, so I might as well continue with the past. First of all, it was through Crystal that I met Mary D, and I've already gone through her story.

I met Mike after Al, but I don't remember his last name. Al, as I've already stated many journals ago, was the most hideous creature of all six guys I slept with. Jessie, Steve, and Andy also agree that he is a pitiful person as well. Only Ron and Al, out of the six guys, were for more than one night. Al wasn't around for too many nights, though, and I'll never miss him. It's no wonder he was so insecure and had been alone for years before I met him. His attitude was sick and pathetic—so rude and negative—and I've never seen someone so eager to cut a person down. He was so downgrading. And he really thought in his mind that he was a wonderful person. In the end, I didn't lose him. He lost me, and if I had ever run into him in public, I'd spit on his face and walk away.

Mike, I met through these two brothers, Jim and Joe. Jim's the one who had a band, and so did Joe till Joe had personal problems, and Jim went into business. Jim owned a cleaning service for a while, and I worked for him. This was when I first moved back to Woodside Terrace. While still on Oswego St., though, Mike was a roommate of Jim's, with whom I had a one-nighter. He honestly told me up front he had a girlfriend, and I didn't want a relationship with a guy. Of course, if I met him today, I wouldn't sleep with him any more than I would with a butch. I'd sleep with no one if I could not get a decent enough woman. Mike was very friendly and very gentle, and I'd probably have been very attracted to him if I were straight. When he first came over, we talked, had coffee, and agreed on only oral sex. He did a nice job down there.

Next, I'll write about Tammy W, then Andy and Jessie, but I think I'll go take a shower now. Then I may walk down to the coffee shop at Cumberland's. Later, I'll also have to go talk to that guy at the Chowder House about a part-time job there.

6:45 AM

I am now in this little breakfast place that sort of reminds me of Dunkin' Donuts. God only knows I don't miss Springfield, although I wish there was a Food Mart close by. Soon, I'm gonna go back home and try to catch some sleep, then get up to go to the Chowder House.

8:46 AM

It's amazing how friendly the people were to me at the breakfast place. I mean the man and the woman who worked there today and yesterday when I was there. I told them how I talked to this guy at a seafood place (the Chowder House) about a job, as I simply need the extra money. So desperately that I'd even work 4–5 days. Especially since I see I'll never be a singer and have been living on that dream for 25 years, which seemed so real and so destined, it had me fooled for so long. For 25 years. They told me to speak to the owners in the afternoon hours if the Chowder House doesn't fall through.

I think it will, though, as I already met with Bob, who's the owner of the Chowder House, and we discussed it, and he showed me around. It's small but nice, and from what he tells me and what these two girls tell me, the tips are good.

Those two girls, Tina and Kathy, are so nice. This town amazes me. Especially Kathy, who I think might be gay, even though she says she's married and hates her husband. You can somewhat tell she might be gay, but she's not ugly and seems very friendly and outgoing. She's a lot like me in speaking her mind and being open-minded. Two other things suggest she may be gay. One was that she used to do drugs. Two, her name is Kathy. Every Kathy, Ann, Mary, Carol, and Karen in the world is gay, just about.

So anyway, last Saturday when I met Bob, he told me we'd meet on Tuesday or Wednesday. I just called him, and he said he's going into Springfield today, so tomorrow before 11 AM, we'll meet. That's good.

When I fell asleep yesterday, I'd been up 18 hours or so, so I expected to sleep only four hours. However, I woke up with an attack, as I hadn't had my Theodur in almost two days. When I got up, I took it, as Kim got my refill, and after an hour and a half, the attack died out.

At 9:30 or so last night, Tammy called and I spoke to her briefly, making no sense at all. I was still quite exhausted till I showered and ate. Tammy, Bill, and the girls may be coming up this weekend. I never thought she'd get here until the year 2000.

I could wait for the sun to come out more and finally get that tan I want. If I do that, though, I won't be able to go grocery shopping later. I've been up since 8:30 last night. Then again, I don't think I'll fall asleep for a long while yet anyway. I guess I'll get a tan.

6/19/1991 Wed. 7:50 AM

Yesterday turned out to be a horrible day. I didn't go grocery shopping, nor did I tan. Instead, I ended up at Dr. Leitch's office, as I could no longer stand my sinus problem. My nose was swollen and tingling. The pressure in my head was too much, as were the hot flashes. Also, I was still itchy and red and having a discharge down below. So, he said this time he'd try a very strong antibiotic and that I may need a few rounds of it. As for down below, well, he took a swab to send to the lab, and they'll let me know. But get this—I have warts. I said I was gay and hadn't been with many people or for very long. He said it may or may not be sexually transmitted. He said it could be caused by too much moisture. Also, my being with a woman will make my chances of serious diseases practically zero—diseases like AIDS, syphilis, or gonorrhea—but a person could have a virus in their mouth or on their finger and not even know it. Meanwhile, he says I need to see a GYN, and they burn them, and it's not painful and it takes only 10 minutes. He said it's not serious, but that I've had it for a while and it could get worse.

I'm still debating whether or not to see a GYN, as I have had it for a long time, so how much worse can it get? Also, I planned never to be with anyone again, cuz I'm not getting anyone I'm really attracted to. Nor do I want to go through the hassle and stress of being with someone, even part-time.

I was right about those suspicions I've had for so long. Whether I have sex with a male or a female, it's like it’s a sin for me. Maybe not for some people, but it seems that way for me it is. I've always felt I would be punished, and I was right. All the more reason I will never have sex again for sure. I have definitely resigned for life.

I called Tammy, and she had that procedure done too, and she said she was terrified at first, but it didn't hurt at all. She told me they don't even need to go in and that they just put a topical medication on the outer lips, and you feel a very slight burning sensation and that's all. She told me that after Becky was born, she had a lot of bleeding and that all the moisture was what caused it. She told me not to blame Brenda, though, as it may be from the moisture of the discharges I've had, or if Brenda did have a virus, she may not have known. I still have to think about it, though, and I also have other things to write about that are on my mind, but I'll do it later.

6/23/1991 Sun. 11:07 PM

Well, I have decided to call about that thing I last wrote about. After discussing it with mom and Tammy, who say it's common and doesn't hurt, I figured I should get it over with. Whether I'm having sex or not, it's time I end the itching, burning, bloated feeling I always have.

I spoke with Andy, who's still enjoying Phoenix but can't stand the people.

Last night was pretty amazing. Kim and I went to a gay bar called North Star Seafood, since Pearl St. is only gay on Wed. nights. Bill's boyfriend Arthur told me about it and that it's a restaurant in the daytime but at night it's a gay women's bar. It was small, as Kim said it was, but very fancy. It makes the Pub look like a dive. Sure, there were several dykes in there, but there were a few that were ok.

The first one I spoke to was about a 5, but she said she was straight. The next one was an 8 with nice waist-length hair, tall, and wore an awesome outfit. She never said whether she was gay or straight, but she did tell me she sells jewelry and was traveling the East Coast from San Francisco.

Then, right before we left, man, did I get the shock of my life. She was a perfect 10 and Gloria to a T!! Except that her face didn't really look like Gloria's, but it was still beautiful. I mean, she was gorgeous! If I saw her from behind, I'd think she was Gloria. She had long, dark curly hair, dark skin and eyes, and a nice body. She wore a black dress such as Gloria would wear.

She walked to the payphone and I followed, and I told her how I recently moved and was meeting new people and how I felt like the only feminine gay woman in the world, and that she was gorgeous. She hugged me and said she was married with three kids but was bi. Also, she told me she was really flattered, and she really did seem to be. She was just so friendly, and I gave her my name and number. Of course, I know not to expect her to call me, as God surely knows I'm attracted to her, but it's so nice to see another feminine woman who's gay or bi. Maybe they do really exist here and there, other than in Spfld.

6/28/1991 Fri. 12:50 AM

The last few days have been really weird. Wait till mom and dad call and I say, "Yeah, I willed my warts away, met a woman I'm finally attracted to, and made a prank call and got in a band."

I think I got into a band. I should know tomorrow night for sure.

Since I mentioned North Star, I’ll write about my trip to Pearl St. I thought North Star was so fancy. Pearl St. is even fancier. Kim and I planned to go last Saturday when we went to North Star. Pearl St. is only gay on Wednesday nights.

First, as I figured, that girl who looked like Gloria never called. Secondly, Mark gave me The Advocate with an ad in a local town called Montague looking for a female vocalist. Mark was also telling me how he reads the personals just for kicks. I do, too. There are several amazing and humorous ads. My eye caught one that seemed ok, so I left a message and my number on this answering system, you call and punch in the code for that particular ad. It's better than that 900-line thing, as it's more discreet. Only Tanya, the girl I left the message for, hears my message—unless you leave a message for anyone on the main line. I'd forgotten all about it till she called the next evening, and we spoke for 20 minutes or so, and she said that she too was to be at Pearl St. on Wed. The night before we were to meet, she called me and we spoke for almost two hours. I was very impressed, but when I met her, as usual, I was not attracted to her. She wasn't a major butch, but again, not at all appealing. Her body was so-so, but her hair and face did nothing for me. She was very nice, though, but I had to be honest and tell her that I had to be attracted to both the inside and outside of a person.

To me, being attracted on the inside but not the outside is like eating a raw steak. It's a half-assed ordeal.

Then I noticed a girl with nice long hair who was sitting with two obvious dykes. Even though this girl had beautiful hair, her face was so-so and the dress she wore was hideous. I was out to be friendly anyway. When I approached the three of them and said my name, one girl said, "Does this work for you? I mean, I always wanted to be able to just walk up to a woman myself."

I told them no, it doesn't work, as they're either straight, gay and taken, or gay and not interested. They laughed, and I went back to where Kim and Tanya were sitting.

6/30/1991 Sun. 9:04 PM

I told Ma all about what’s been happening when she called last night. She says I should be getting a package soon and also, she won't be up till September.

I touched base with Tammy too, about what's been going on with me, and her as well.

Before I write about the band, Maliheh, and the warts, I'll update what else has been happening. First, I'm ticked off at Andy for delaying my money, which I'll probably get in the next few days. Now, as you know, I get paid on the 1st of each month, and I get so little that I can always use the money. What angers me is how he had me believing I'd get the money at the end of the month when I'm totally broke. He tried calling the night before last, but I had stepped out to get cigarettes. He'd better call soon and tell me what the hell's going on.

I finally heard from Hank about a week ago, who was in the hospital, and tried to reach Jenny and Jai about coming up. Jai's seen the place, of course, but I have not seen Jenny in ages and I miss her. She's so sweet.

Last night I spoke to Steve, who's going to Chicago to see his two boys but will be back on July 8th. I told Steve I was tired of waiting for Jessie to either call about visiting and bringing my bathing suits up or mail them. Steve said he'd get the suits for me. She's had these suits for over a year now.

10:50 PM

I took time out to cook a pork chop with applesauce and I chatted with Kim. I also called and spoke with Jai and Jenny, who seem to be doing well. They're coming to see me within the next couple of weeks.

After my checks for the rent, gas, phone, and electricity clear, I'm going to close my checking account with SIS. When I say “gas” bill, that means the heat. I thought that the AC bill was the same bill too, but I guess not. I thought they were the same bill cuz they come from the same place. There are five 8" vents in this whole huge place. Can you imagine that? Those five tiny vents do a fine job, though, considering how big this place is. It's definitely not 1200 square feet either. Kim's is, but this one is 1400 square feet for sure.

I mailed the pictures Dad took to Tammy, who was quite impressed when she saw them. Who wouldn't be?

Anyway, as far as the AC goes, it goes on the electric bill.

I have just begun to get a tan. Of course, I have a very long way to go, but at least my hair is finally down to my waist. It isn't in the finest condition, but I'd rather have long, dead hair than short, healthy hair.

I did a little bit of rearranging here today. Nothing major, but the usual swapping things around I do every month or two.

It's amazing how I've been up in the daytime, have had fewer all-nighters here, and today it was so cool and dry. I got up at noon and it was somewhat overcast till almost 4:00. Today was a far cry better than the three days we had before. It was 100º and incredibly humid. Keeping the central air on was a must. You couldn't even breathe outside, and there was no way I was going to tan. Lying on that blacktop will scorch you well enough.

Shortly after I got up, I vacuumed out the stairwell and played with Shadow for hours. God, is he ever getting huge. He's up to 12 pounds now. Last night, just as the sun was going down, I opened the door downstairs, put him on his leash, and basically ran around like a kid.

It's so nice to sit there and feel the cool air with a great breeze and drink coffee or smoke cigarettes. I did that tonight too, and it still feels so beachy. Even Jai agreed when he was here that he felt like he was on Long Island Sound.

Ok, time to tell the wart story now. I decided I would follow up with it, so Kim took me to the GYN Dr. Leitch referred me to. Before we went, she said, "Maybe you can will them away."

I laughed, and she then said, "Well, I've seen the things you can do."

So, of course, anyone would wish they could make it go away in a blink of an eye, but I was surprised after the pelvic exam. When the doctor finished, he said he knew Dr. Leitch to be a good doctor, but that I had no warts. At first, I was pissed at Dr. Leitch for having me terrified for nothing, till I realized he is only human. Humans do make mistakes, and he did bring my asthma under control. I figured it's better to end up having been scared for nothing rather than for a valid reason.

Kim insists I willed it away. Maybe I did do something, maybe not. I sure still wish I could will away the cigarettes as I did with the Navane.

I'm going to listen to music now, but will be back next month, which is in half an hour.