July 1990

7/11/1990 Wed. 2:40 AM

As I lie here waiting for my edits to rewind, I realize I have so much to write about. I really should keep up with it every day, so I get in all the details and don't have to stop and ask myself, "Am I covering everything that's happened since my last entry?" or, "Have I written about this or that yet, or have I forgotten?"

First, I'll start by saying that the lessons over here are going great. Bill is here twice a week; his students are very nice, and it's fantastic getting free lessons—that’s $36 I’m saving. I've only had two lessons from Bill so far, but he’s already working his miracles once again. My voice is so relaxed, and he's doing exercises that help to widen my range. It's more soprano-like, even though I'm a definite contralto. It's a lot of fun, and I feel great about it.

As far as my edits go, I have one hell of a classic masterpiece here. I've completed Side A and have started Side B. It mainly features Nervous, as he's got the best voice for it, being a "sack of nerves" and "choking up on his breath," as Fran's brother Rick put it a year ago. The tape contains me, Andy, Fran, Nervous, Rick, Tracy, Tony L, and this other guy. My uncle Marty is on it, too.

Now, everything I just wrote is basically petty detail; I’m now going to mention two things that will be the greatest and most shocking things I've written in all my journals combined. Before I do, though, I'll say that on July 28th, I hope I can write something even greater and more shocking to top what I'm about to write. On Friday night, June 21st, it was a last-minute decision for me to perform at the Pub and the Frontier. The Pub's contest is strictly lip-sync, but the Frontier's contest was for talent, meaning you could sing live if you wanted to. I won $125 between the two! I lip-synced "Si Voy a Perderte" at the Pub and sang "Don't Wanna Lose You" live at the Frontier. I got such a major response from the audience; it was amazing, and I felt so confident and really, really enjoyed myself. There were several weeks of contests at both places; I don't know when the finals will be at the Pub, but the finals at the Frontier will be July 28th, and Andy and I are both in it, competing together for $1,000! The one at the Pub is going to be for $500, but as I said, I don't know when yet. I'm going to sing "Si Voy a Perderte" live.

Last Saturday, we had rehearsals for the opening song, "Vogue," which we're all doing, and, funny enough, I am the lead dancer. We have rehearsals again next Saturday. Last Saturday, Bruce, Chuck, and Rachel didn't show up, so they lost points. I hate to say it, but I was glad because they're great performers. The MC, Wally, made us pick a number out of a hat, and I picked 6, so that means I'll be the sixth one to perform. Andy was number 2, which pissed him off, and now he's even more pissed because he's number 1; Bruce is now refusing to perform after Andy told him he’d be number 1 at his store today. They say it isn't good to be number 1–4 because the judges tend to forget about you once the numbers get higher. I just hope to hell Chuck and Rachel don't show up, but then again, I'm sure Renee will, and she's good. There are going to be four judges, and Wally says they cannot fix it or play any favoritism, but my main worry is Chuck because he's going to sing live and he is good. I mean good. And also, he's not a real woman.

6:15 PM

I thought I had therapy today, but I guess not. When I went down there today, Martha was nowhere to be found. The receptionist—whom I know, but I keep forgetting her name—said she's got me written down for tomorrow at 10:00. I don’t know why, because she told me she was changing the time to late afternoon at 4:00. Rose said she'd call me later.

Bill is here now with Cindy, who's pretty good, but he also has some sorry cases. I bet he can make them all good, though, after all he's done for me.

Brenda's gone to Palmer for the night to babysit her son, daughter, a foster child, and three other kids who all live with her sister Donna and her brother-in-law, Kevin. He’s a cab driver who used to know Crystal.

Since I haven't yet written about 30-year-old Brenda, I'll start by saying that I met her through Tom next door, whom she was seeing and living with until he moved out. She’s 5’6” with dark eyes and dark hair down to the middle of her back. She’s a quarter Cherokee. She’s also too thin. I had met her many weeks before we actually began speaking and noticed her very, very intense stare as I was coming into the building and she and Tom were on their way up from the laundry room to the apartment next to mine. Finally, several weeks later, she came over and said, "I don't mean to be personal, but are you gay?" When I said yes, she told me she was bi and that she liked Tom, but that he can be very immature at times since he's only 18 and very vulnerable. She also told me she had been married for 10 years and, of course, like most males, he beat her up and used her for sex; he also fucked her over as far as the kids go. Also, the courts screwed her over, just like they always do when it comes to women and children. They're living with her sister and Kevin, who have been married for 10 years and seem happy. Brenda's glad they're still in the family, even though she misses them to death.

7/14/1990 Sat. 7:35 PM

I had rehearsals today, and I will again next Saturday. It was a lot of fun. Loopy didn't show up again, and Rachel and Carl—whose name I thought was Chuck—were late again. Thank God, because Carl is an excellent singer and I've heard Rachel is good, although I've never seen her perform. Carl and I will be the only ones to sing live. Renee may possibly sing live, too. They changed the prizes for the finals, and the date, too. It'll be the 27th rather than the 28th. Also, instead of $1,000 for the winner, it'll be $500 for 1st place, $300 for the runner-up, and $200 for 3rd place.

As far as Brenda's concerned—well, she is attractive, though not the most attractive, of course, because that's just a dream. Yet she really does care and loves my music, and we have lots in common, but she smothers me too much and I need to spend more time alone than the average person. If it were someone as gorgeous as Gloria, then that'd be different, but as I said, that's just a dream. Especially in the gay world. Trying to find a very beautiful, sexy, feminine, flashy gay woman who's decent is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. She's far from ugly, though, and life is full of compromises, right?

7/19/1990 Thurs. 12:23 AM

Oh my God, have the '90s been a major change, or what? For the better, that is, so far. I was telling Martha this today in therapy, and how the '80s were a definite curse for me. She laughed her ass off at the way I said it, even though we both know it's true. She also cracked up at the way I said, "I should know, sweetheart."

The lessons here with Bill are still going great. Also, Paula comes over or I go over there, and I still speak with Fran, Tracy, Steve, Jessie, Dedra, and of course, Andy. We don't hear too much from Nervous, though. This girl, Jackie, whom I met when I was working at the store, is supposed to come over for a visit. I don't know when, as I've been unusually busy, but it feels great. I've also got to see Allison at the store sometime.

Also, sometime tomorrow, I believe I'll be going for a Top 40 band audition.

7/23/1990 Mon. 6:49 AM

Jesus Christ! I'm so pissed off. I can't sleep to save my life. I cannot stand summer; it's so fucking humid. I eat and sleep weirdly in the winter, but not this weird.

Today at 2:00, I have to go to the allergy and asthma doctor. Also, Bill's supposed to be here and I've got to find out what time so someone can let him in if it runs into my appointment. I really should schedule my GYN and dentist appointments and get a complete physical. And also, I've got some very serious house cleaning and laundry to do. Then the last and kind of scariest thing on the list is to call SIS and find out how I screwed up my book and bounced something. These things with the bank always turn out to be worse than you originally thought. If it's true, I'll die. I'll get absolutely no help from Mom; plus, we had a huge fight. What else is new?

I have to wait until Tuesday for a yes or no as far as getting into the band, Cue, that I mentioned. They were definitely impressed and the manager said so, but for everything you do well, there's always someone better. My singing was okay, but it could've been better. It was extremely hot and humid that day, like almost 100º. They liked my pitch and my keyboard playing, but of course, I told them I was better at guitar. Also, they liked my singing in Spanish, my ability to dance, and my looks. They're very friendly, too, and they don't make you nervous. Even though it looked good for me, I'm always a doubter until proven wrong and something does work out for the better.

7/24/1990 Tues. 5:40 AM

Yesterday morning, I went to the ER since the Cipro I was given made me so restless. Brenda took me to the ER, and both Dr. McGovern and Dr. Mudawar met us there. Dr. McGovern gave me something called Ceftin, as I have bronchitis. It has been extremely hot and humid, and the air is so polluted.

My two mice, Gremlin and Gizmo, are going bonkers for attention just like Tigger does, and most especially of all, Toffee. They were given to me by Bonny, Brenda's friend of 20 years. They've known each other since they were 10, and they're both 30 now. Bonny’s ugly and butchy-looking, but is seeing a Black guy.

Today's the day I get called either way, as far as a yes or a no about the audition. As I said, I tend to be doubtful, as it usually takes many auditions before you get lucky. Everyone goes through that, whether they're great singers, mediocre, or sucky, and whether they stay local or get big-time famous.

7/25/1990 Wed. 6:27 PM

I got up at 3 pm and had therapy at 4 pm, which went quite well.

Yesterday I sang quite well, as the Ceftin has been helping me drain my congestion.

Brenda enjoys it when I sing for her. Yesterday, Brenda and I talked, watched TV, went to Food Fart, and made love. I am getting more and more comfortable with her, and I feel less and less tense and awkward. I tell her I feel guilty cuz she does so much for me, and I was such a bitter crab in the beginning, but she says she understands me and that you can never do too much for someone you really care about. Here's someone who loves me for me and who's had problems but isn't whacked out. Of course, we're gonna give it time before we discuss living together. That's a mega major step.

She is great in bed, too.

Bill's here now with his students. I hope we can sing later cuz I couldn't on Monday. I was too sick, and thank God for Brenda, who took care of all that so I could sleep.

Tomorrow night I have rehearsals, then Friday night's the big night.

As far as the band goes, I won’t know until Sunday, as they've had tons of calls, but I called Mr. Grant, who's black. The whole band is, except for the manager, Dave, who I think is neat. I said, "I don't mean to be impatient or pushy, but I'm excited about this. How does it look?" He said not bad. I'll just keep hoping and praying with my fingers crossed till Sunday.

7/28/1990 Sat. 7:44 AM

This was the day 9 years ago that I was admitted to the Brattleboro Retreat until December 19th. It's so hard to believe it was a whole 9 years ago. And it was 8 years ago, around this day, this month, that I was admitted to Valleyhead, and 6 years ago, I left.

Well, last night was the finals at the Frontier, and several people are pretty pissed off, including me, Brenda, Andy, Andy's sister Marla, and others. Once again, it was 100% fixed, just like the Pub. 500-pound Sue, who looked totally ridiculous, won. Rachel, whom I hear was boring, got second place. Renee got third. Renee is good, though, and so is Bruce, who decided at the last minute he was going to perform. I'm telling you, when it comes to amateur productions in a meat marketplace, they fuck over any decent person who's got talent. Another thing is that they hate real women. They're jealous. Plus, it's all popularity, too. Sue’s an ass kisser and knows everybody and probably fucks everyone and parties with everyone. She has been nice to me, though. She bought me an $11 pair of shoes I needed for Vogue, helped me with my hair, and made all the people who lost flowers. It's still not fair, though. They've fixed these things before on me, Andy, and many others. Of course, Dedra will win the finals at the Pub.

Also, Brenda told me one of the judges, whom they call Roxy, gave her dirty looks, and Brenda overheard her say, "Oh, she's just using Jodi," in the bathroom. All bitter, spiteful, and jealous cuz she's not a real woman and the bitch can't sing. I can't wait to confront this bitch. I never even saw or met this queen before in my life, and neither has Brenda. Andy knows her, though.

Andy's sister Marla videotaped the show, so I'll have to see it. Andy says he liked my singing, and so did many other people, and yes, there are a lot of good, honest, caring people there, but always the one or two jerks get in the way and fuck everyone and everything up.

In the dressing room, Bruce and a few other people said they were pissed Roxy was one of the judges cuz she's unfair. They also lied when they said the judges wouldn't know anyone and there'd be no favoritism. Everyone said Carl's singing sucked. I feel he hit some very high, powerful notes well, but yes, he went quite flat on a few notes and really poured it out too much. I did have a lot of fun with rehearsals and the performance, and I do have true and sincere friends there, but life sucks and it's just not fair. Now all I have to do is wait for Sunday so I can hear some more depressing news about that band, Cue. That's if they even call me, and you know what that means if I'm the one who has to pick up the phone and call them.

7/29/1990 Sun. 6:26 AM

I'm so pissed! I'm going through the same bullshit on this antibiotic, being so restless. I can't sleep for the life of me. At first, I thought it was me and said to myself, "What is wrong with me?" until I realized what was going on. I slept less than 5 hours yesterday, too. Also, all night long, I was exhausted, and I figured I'd sleep pretty well. I mean, I do have something on my mind, but still, this is ridiculous.

Speaking of something being on my mind, well, today's Sunday. Another day of depressing news about the band.

As I was up all night, I realized something about myself. Well, people say not to be so negative and to be more positive, and I realized sometimes I am positive as well as negative, but either way, anything I really want or try for that means a lot to me comes out negative. Seriously. I always fall flat on my ass, whether I think positively or negatively, so what difference does it make how I think? None at all. I know for sure I didn't make it in this band, so why pretend I was all psyched up for it, thinking, "I know I won. I just have to win. I know I've made this band." In the long run, it always turns out negatively. Yeah, well, no more jokes on me cuz today I know just what to expect. I don't fool myself or lie to myself either. Same thing if I met a beautiful gay woman like Gloria who was single and looking. I would never get her, whether I thought positively and pursued her, or hoped she pursued me, or if I thought negatively.

7/30/1990 Mon. 6:35 AM

Yesterday was one hell of a day. To start off with, I slept only 3 hours. When I got up at 11:00, I felt like shit and was bottled up with a lot of stress, as I've been through so much bullshit lately.

Brenda told me that we were gonna leave at 12:30 to go to this lake with a little beach in Ludlow and that Bonny and Dave decided not to go. So it got close to 2:00, and Bonny still wasn't back yet, so I figured she was angry with me and that's why she was doing it, cuz originally she wanted Brenda with Bonny's sister Gail, but Gail's got a girlfriend, and Brenda said long before she met me she wouldn't really feel comfortable dating Gail cuz they were too good of friends. Brenda says she feels like they're sisters and it would almost be like incest. Also, Bonny's the type who likes to do things her way only. So finally, Bonny came back, and I called her by phone and she said she didn't want to talk, and I knew right away it was cuz she knew I was mad and that I was right, but couldn't handle that, so it was easier for her to "hide," as she says I do. So I screamed out my open window and into theirs that it was ok for her to be a bitch but God help anybody else if they've got something to say. And there's a lot more to it, meaning a lot of other shit she's said (I'm not gonna waste my time getting into it), but it's too bad cuz we've had some good talks and she's otherwise a nice girl. To wrap it up though, after me and Brenda got back from Ludlow, Bonny comes running out as we were coming up the stairs, bitching about how I cussed her out, and said what I had to say about her smart mouth and false assumptions she's made about me (she’s jealous of Brenda spending time with me and not with her and Gail), and also, I think Tom filled her head with bullshit. She was saying that they were getting evicted and that if I wanted to fight, we could go outside, as she went to jump me. Before I could jump her back, Brenda and Dave stepped between us, and I really wish they hadn't cuz I would've fucked this bitch up bad and she would've deserved it 100%.

Afterward, we talked about it on the phone, and she told me she has PMS. But that was no excuse to lunge at me, and she’s lucky they stepped in our way. I told her I’d beat her silly if this happened again, but if not, I'd like to put it in the past and forget it. She said she already has and asked that I not dump Brenda out of anger.