Didn’t do much writing last night because I was busy going through my doll collection and prepping it for sale. I don’t know that I can get much for them; some I may not even be able to sell at all. But I’m ok with letting go of even my favorites now just in case by some miracle we ever survive this rut and have even the remotest possibility of getting to Florida. I’ve enjoyed them long enough and all they really do is collect dust and hog up space anyway.

I went through Barbies, Tonners, porcelains, other vinyls, clothes, accessories, COAs, and stuff like that. Don’t know how I’m going to get rid of the mannequins. I guess I throw them on Craigslist and hope for the best. We may have to abandon a lot of stuff if we ever do make it out of here but I have no problem with leaving Jesse (though his sister will probably get most of the honors) a mess to have to clean up. After all the barking, loud motors and other shit I’ve had to listen to at times, it’s hard to feel bad for them. And that’s ok if we can’t use them as a reference. We didn’t use any references to get in here in the first place. I still think that if we live we’ll be here for several more years. Unless I won an unexpected amount of money (the kind that’s not in our cards) I just don’t see any way out to even a rental down the street right here in town.

I’m enjoying our extended summer. It really makes up for summer being so slow to start in the first place. By the end of the week, however, it’s bye-bye summer. Friday night I think we’ll have to close the windows at night. Still, the extension was nice since we usually have to close them sometime during the last week of August or the first week of September.

The above part was written yesterday before bed but I didn’t get a chance to post it. The rest follows after what has been a very disappointing day with yet still no job calls for Tom. Tuesday was usually a big day for job calls, but now even that is gone and apparently a thing of the past.

I was thinking about how I missed Nane, who is on vacation but hopefully having a fun time, then she replied to a wall comment and “liked” one of my funny pics. Even though I never got any private messages from her that alone put a smile on my face. Damn, it hurts to know I’m going to have to hurt my friends and family like I said before! But like I also said, sometimes we have to think of ourselves first. My friends and family will get over the hurt of my dying, but Tom and I would never have “gotten over” this rough patch in life. There are just some things you don’t get over. Period.

Some believe God has a “plan” for all of us. Well, He chose poverty for us if that’s true, and that’s not ok. Sorry, but we have a definite problem with that. That’s not something I could ever sit back and accept and be ok with any more than most women could sit back and accept abuse from a man she thought loved her. I can’t make God – or whatever evil has latched onto us so intensely – let good things happen to us, but we can certainly end our suffering and refuse to take it anymore, and yes, I’ve made my final decision on that one. I’ve made up my mind and nothing’s going to stop me from carrying out my plans at this point other than a miracle, but those just don’t happen to us. A permanent job for Tom that would insure us, us running off to Florida, seeing friends and family - those are just dreams. Dreams that can’t come true at least for us. No matter how simple our dreams may be, all they have to do is belong to us and we may as well be asking for millions of dollars. And so the official countdown to the end has begun. I’ve already stopped dieting and exercising. Might as well quit entering sweeps too, since I’ve stopped winning.

I thought I was going to have to spend the beginning of the end with a cold since I woke up exhausted and with a sore throat. Only I slept 7 or 8 hours like I normally do, and I haven’t been around anyone who’s sick in order to catch anything myself. Decided that just because no amount of spells or anything else we try to do can change our lives for the better, this didn’t mean one of my cold spells might still not work. So I “willed” it away.

I sometimes wonder if another “influencer” out there may have willed so much of my life to be so bad and for things to never work out for us. Except for a few good wins, we never get any breaks in life. Ever. Certainly, I can’t be the only one with this curse some mistake for a gift. Believe me, it is anything but flattering to have or any kind of honor. Getting pissed off at someone is one thing. We all get pissed here and there. But when for some reason you’ll never understand your anger causes all kinds of bad things to happen to them – particularly illnesses and injuries – you worry it may kill someone at some point. Maybe it already has and I just don’t know it. It’s already killed someone’s dog and it nearly took out my landlord. The emotions (that I can’t simply control at will or with a flick of a switch) are part of what’s also coming back on us and influencing bad things to happen to us as well. Where is the “gift” in that??? I will admit that my anger causing certain people serious harm doesn’t exactly make me feel bad for them, depending on why I’m so angry at them. It’s the kinds of people we all get a little ticked off at from time to time that worries me.

Maybe this Firestarter without the fire needs to die. Maybe she deserves it. Something up there obviously doesn’t think I deserve much of a life, so should I think otherwise when year after year we’re forced to sit on our asses with no options, opportunities or control over our own damn lives and what happens to us?