Hola, gentes. I have been fighting a severe case of depression which is why I haven’t been writing as much lately. I don’t know how I fell into such a deep well of depression but I guess that when each month nothing changes for the better I sink a little further, and it’s been so many months now. I wanted to float back up to the surface and climb my way back out, but now I’m not so sure I care anymore. This depression is so miserable to live with that it’s simply no way to live at all. I really think my days are numbered and so I’m going to just take it one day at a time but continue to live as if life will go on as usual.

I really wanted to live and be happy and achieve my goals and dreams in life. I was willing to do whatever was physically and mentally within my means of doing in order to reach these goals, but instead I have failed at every single thing I ever set out to do in life. Well, almost everything. Obviously, I eventually succeeded in quitting smoking. But it seems that most of the time I either fail to succeed, or when I do manage to snag a goal/dream it isn’t long before it turns into some kind of nightmare I didn’t plan on it being or it slips out of my grasp completely. As my husband who loves me, Tom is always going to tell me I’m not a failure and I’m not this awful fluke of nature destined to fuck up that now not only wants to die but feels she deserves to die. Yet no matter who tries to tell me what right now I can’t help but feel this way. I haven’t been this depressed in years. I’ve always been against prescription drugs for treating emotional problems, especially after what happened to me with the Navane. I always felt it was no better than turning to drugs or alcohol, but at this point, I just might consider antidepressants in the near future if this shit doesn’t back off. Then again maybe the only way to get rid of it is to kill myself, IDK.

Tom said I’ll feel better once I get my period. Well, I’ve got my period. It came today. And while I’m not as fatigued or as depressed as I have been, it’s still lingering a bit.

Except for Nane, I’ve been hearing less and less from my friends. I blame myself for that as I know most people don’t want to hang out with those who are down in the dumps. I thought about saying I was ok and that things were going well, but then I’d be lying and I don’t want to do that just so people can have happier journal entries and messages to read. Remember, it may not be much fun hearing from someone who’s unhappy, but imagine how they feel. The only thing I can say for sure is that I will never again attempt to explain my sleeping disorder to anyone else ever again! Some people get it or at least say they do. Others just freak out over what they don’t get and haven’t experienced themselves and automatically go right into denial mode.

I don’t know if it’s all due to how shitty my life is, being on the rag, or if something else is wrong with me I don’t know about. The depression, the forgetfulness, the fatigue – it’s driving me crazy! And if I don’t figure out how to fix things soon I’m going to go off the deep end for sure.

I gained back the weight I lost like I do every month when that old PMS hunger kicks in. I don’t know what makes me so damn hungry during those times but I need to eat nearly twice as much as normal so that’s part of why I keep going around in these endless cycles with the weight. That’s ok. I don’t mind being a big girl. I am what I was meant to be. I’ll still keep exercising regularly but I’m not going to worry anymore about the extra weight. I’m just not going to be able to do much bodybuilding without being able to clear the fat. I can do some with the 25 extra pounds, but I won’t have as much of a ripped look as those who can clear the fat have. You just gotta have the right metabolism for weight loss and I ain’t got it.

We’re hoping to know this week just what may or may not be in the pension fund. Tom’s gonna really start pushing them for info starting tomorrow. Knowing that and what the age requirements are for rentals in Florida senior communities is going to hinge on my decision to either continue living a life I don’t want to live or just end it all. I still expect to be poor throughout most of my life no matter what. I would just prefer not to live most of it in Jesse’s little old trailer.

There is some good news in the mix and that’s that I had another big win dream, so I know I’m looking at another goodie coming up. I just hope it’s something we can use. In the dream, I won $1500 worth of baby gear I knew I could sell, but I rarely win what I dreamed of winning. It could be anything from $500 cash to a $1500 shopping spree somewhere. Chances are whatever it is is valued at no less than a grand.