I’m not the emotional basket case I was a couple of days ago, but I’m still stressing. Kind words and support from family and friends have helped, and based on our calculations, we might be able to make it between Unemployment and the Turk. I said might, though, and so we’re not 100% sure of anything.

I talked with my parents and exchanged messages with my sister and that helped a little despite our past differences. My folks offered to help contribute to getting my teeth taken care of, but I don’t think they get how broke we are right now. Even if they paid 95% of it, we can’t afford to spare a dime right now on anything that isn’t a necessity. And while my teeth hurt, it’s not life-threatening. We’re still going to look into our options, though. Just because the state cut dental from the free clinics, doesn’t mean the county might not still have something. Still, it’s really sweet of them. Even the hints they dropped about an inheritance. Yeah, this time around when she said “trust me,” I figured it out. But we need help now, and not that I want my parents to die or anything like that, but they should live another 5-10 years. And I don’t know that they’d be able to leave us that much by the time they go. Then again, I know better. We’ll be just as needy in 5-10 years as we are right now if we’re still alive.

I started to tell them that I swore I’d never ask for help because I knew I couldn’t go running to them every time things got tough and Dad said, “Jodi, you’re not asking for help. We’re offering it to you.”

Again, very sweet of them, but just what are we going to do after they’re gone and whatever they leave us is gone, too? Will we be dead by then? It’s sad to know that the only way to have a guaranteed roof over your head and food in your tummy for life is to commit a crime big enough to land you in prison for the rest of your life.

Tammy just said she was sorry, we deserve better, she’s there if I need her, and a house is just a house whereas a house is a home with the love and support Tom and I give each other. Oh, and she also asked if we thought about moving to a state with more opportunities. LOL, not even she gets how broke we are. Remember, losing our teeth may run in the family, but I’m the chosen underdog here, like it or not. No one else’s ears or wallets have been picked on like mine have. I’m the only family member this short, who can sing, who knows more than one language, and who’s been to jails and funny farms. I think my brother may’ve gotten arrested once or twice, but he’s never done time, and he was a better drummer than I ever was a guitarist/pianist. I doubt anyone else even believes in psychics nor would they dare have a pet rat or a couple of mannequins for decoration. Where I’m the designated weirdo, they’re oh-so normal.

But yeah, California was a mistake. “That’s how you learn, though,” said Tom. Maybe so, but it still would’ve been nice had we known that hot summer day in 2007 as we wound our way down, down, down through the Cascades from Timber Country to NorCali that we were sitting on the edge of the worst economic recession in the history of the United States.

I don’t know why I went crying to Tammy or my parents. I guess I just feel the need sometimes to run and cry on people’s shoulders when the shit hits the fan just like I want to run and tell everyone when something good happens – “I won the karaoke contest!” woo-hoo! “I won 9 grand!” woo-hoo!

As for friends, Andy, Maliheh, Christine, Mitch, Alison and Kim have shown they care with their words of encouragement, but Nane hasn’t. She ignores most of my messages, but at least she still sends smiles, flowers and little things like that every now and then.

Other than trying to shoo away all the self-destructive thoughts I’ve been having, I told my folks about the book and let them know there was at least some good going on.

“If it’s R-rated, I’ll read it,” said Dad.

“Uh, it may be kind of X-rated in a couple of scenes and I know you two would be mature enough to handle them, but it might not be your cup of tea,” I told them.

“How do you know?” asked Mom.

“Yeah, we could be a couple of prudes for all you know,” Dad said.

This actually made me laugh. They wouldn’t care that the lead characters were gay, and I’m sure they’d appreciate the writing and all that. It’s just that I don’t usually do the kind of suspense they prefer to read. My stories also have a romantic twist to them and they’re more into strictly suspense or mysteries as opposed to romantic suspense with or without a few steamy scenes of erotica in the midst.

I had to laugh when I thought – if only they knew just how much more interesting the story behind the story is. I’ll tell them about it someday when there are less pressing issues going on. Well, if we can ever get to that point. I can just see it, though, and me saying something like, “Remember once upon a naughty little time when I got in trouble back east for prank calls? Well, it happened to be a girl I had a crush on and I found her in cyberspace nearly two decades later, was a jerk for a while, then apologized, then wrote a little story with us as leads as a joke (with what I thought was a little inspiration from her at first that turned out to be a joker), knew she was reading along cuz my blog can see who visits it, but don’t worry, I didn’t kill either of us off so as not to jinx us. Then one day I finished that little story and we got to talking and she kind of likes my writing, and well, we’re damn good buddies now! She’s still good looking too, LOL.”

Yep. The story behind the story is definitely just as interesting. :)

Christine agrees it’s best not to call the cops and to stay off their radar. Oh, I’m keeping off the bacon radar, believe me. I just hope others will keep me off too, but the more time that passes without any online shit spilling over into the offline world, the more convinced I am that the trolls are full of shit. You see, there are 3 ways to learn about the law. The easy way is to go to school. The two hard ways are to either get framed or do stupid shit and get in trouble like I did 20 years ago. Well, I got 2 out of 3. If I weren’t stressed out right now I just may actually laugh at how ridiculous and naive they are. Nonetheless, I like the idea of confusing them as to what state I’m in (I did an entry saying we were heading to Reno) so I may not make any public entries for a few days. There were fewer views from the family today, but Molly’s still viewing me like crazy. Yesterday there were over 50 views from her, today we’re down to 46, so hopefully it’s a sign they’re getting bored with these asinine and childish games.

Wow, what an interesting God/psychic theory Christine has. She said: I’m sending all good energy your way. You know, I don’t believe in a God who is still involved with us. I think: there may or may not be a God. Who knows. Seems pretty clear to me that if there is, he is not involved with us anymore. On the other hand, I do believe there is another plane of existence, energy that surrounds us. This is what you are tapping into with your psychic abilities. It’s available to us all - most people can’t access it though. I do believe praying can affect things for the good, but not b/c God hears and answers, but b/c you are affecting the psychic plain. I’m sending good to you! Just hang on…

I still don’t know for sure what the hell I believe, but I like to hear different views on the matter. I tend to agree that a God - especially a good one - doesn’t exist when you think of what just happened in Japan. On the other hand, if I just won a million bucks I may feel otherwise and like I suddenly had a friend in the sky (or wherever that other plane is). Maliheh agrees; there’s not so much a God as there is one big energy force.

I definitely don’t believe in the saying, “If God brings you to it, He’ll get you through it.” If He brought the earthquake to Japan, then why didn’t He get the thousands of people through it that died? So I guess a negative/positive energy force would make more sense than a God who affects individual lives. Either way, I’m still very cursed in general no matter what’s doing the cursing.

I also definitely have become more and more psychic with age, but it’s not something I discuss with just anyone. As she said - most people can’t tap into it even though it’s there for everyone to tap into. Therefore most people would automatically assume I was full of shit and probably an excellent candidate for the local funny farm. Yet I remember those few years I “influenced” or “willed” myself to win thousands of dollars worth of cash and other goodies and how my moods and state of mind greatly affect whether good/bad things happen to me. Then the economy went bad, my mood soured, and my wins went down to virtually nothing.

What Tom and I were wondering is how and why I seemingly went from an influencer to a dream premonitioner. He said he can’t tell the difference, saying that the dreams could be “influencing” reality to play out the dreams. I just wish I didn’t have this thing. If it’s causing more bad than good in our lives, then what’s the point?

Just had the first period where I didn’t have to take anything for cramps. I don’t even need more than just liners these days and haven’t used tampons for a while. I hope I live long enough to experience the rest of menopause. Not the vertigo part, which I’ve already started, but I can’t wait to do away with the water retention and the sore boobies. And when it’s freezing out there – I say bring on those hot flashes!