So the Hamas have attacked Israel yet again. I guess some people never learn or change. The next time Muslims can’t figure out for the life of them why there are still some people who aren’t too fond of them, maybe they’ll remember this along with the many other atrocities they commit.

They beefed up security in the US to protect synagogues because this is only going to fuel the hate for Jews all over the world even more. I used to think blacks and Mexicans were the worst. Make that blacks and Muslims! And no, I don’t give a shit who I offend. I have a right to express my opinion the same as anyone else.

The pollen count is high today so I’m not going to go out walking, since my lungs have been tight. We are going to make a quick run to Publix, though. Got to change her cage today too.

Did my second hair removal treatment.

Doc A is running in yet another marathon, this time in Chicago. She’s got to work part-time. Even if you have all the energy in the world I just don’t see how she can be a doctor full-time, care for three kids, yet do as much running as she does along with other activities and vacations.

I think I might have Tom’s tinnitus now, only mine is a low-pitched hum. I thought tinnitus had to be a high-pitched ringing sound but it’s not always that way. I just hope it’s not a sign of anything bad and doesn’t get louder. At first I thought it was the distant drone of traffic but at 3:00 in the morning? It was when I laid my good ear on the pillow and realized it was the same exact volume that it hit me that it was inside my head. It’s very soft and can only be heard if it’s extremely quiet. It’s low and steady without any changes in pitch. Reminds me of a large vehicle idling in the distance. So maybe the tractor I thought I heard the other day wasn’t real.

The more I read about it, the more I am convinced I have chronic fatigue. What a cruel hand in life to be dealt! To know I’m going to struggle with this for the rest of my life is a very tough pill to swallow. Sure, it could be worse like if I was paralyzed or blind but this is bad enough. Any ailment debilitating enough to interfere with your daily activities sucks. I can’t help but wonder why I’ve been dealt this hand in life and hope that there isn’t a higher power responsible for it. The thought of a higher power allowing or causing my suffering is unsettling. Have I truly been so deserving of atresia, TMJ, nerve damage, inner ear problems, asthma, allergies, dental issues galore, Hashimoto’s, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, ADHD, PTSD, weight loss challenges, anxiety, depression, sleep apnea, N24, past fertility issues, bungled sex, and now this?

If there is indeed some force that wishes for me to endure suffering, at least I know it won’t bring forth any fatal illnesses like cancer or heart disease. It’s a paradox—I sometimes wish for an end to the suffering but also want to remain with my husband and Tinkerbella.

I dreamed we were living in the Phoenix house or at least a house laid out that way. Tom said he thought he heard something. I walked out of the back room, through the kitchen, and into the living room. I then peered out of the large window to the left of the door and could just about make out a dark pant leg.

“Somebody’s there,” I said. So then I opened the door and immediately regretted doing so when I saw a cop standing there. I regretted it even more when he asked for me specifically. Then there was a second cop standing there. I noticed that their uniforms looked a little weird but I wasn’t any less concerned. I knew they were there to fuck with me because of some completely petty thing I did that should be far from illegal or because someone set me up. The dream ended then so I don’t know which it was.