As this blog title says, I’ve been indescribably horrible. Ok, so I know that millions have experienced both anxiety and the awful, sometimes terrifying effects of untreated Hashimoto’s disease, but I still feel that even as a writer, and even if some of you out there may get it, there are no words to describe the heart-pounding anxiety, frustration, helplessness and depression I felt for hours last night after Tom crashed, and then again this afternoon. It’s so unpredictable. It grips me when I least expect it and it releases its terrifying grip when I least expect it as well. 

Your logical side knows you’re not experiencing anything life-threatening, but for some reason, you can’t get your brain to believe this and your body to act upon this fact by not freaking the fuck out when your heart rate elevates. I almost wish I were 10 years old. Kids always believe everything adults tell them. Nonetheless, having your heart race is scary. At least to me, it is. So trying to “stay calm” in the throes of a 110-140 heart marathon is not an easy thing to do at all. You sure feel like you’re going to die. Your heart’s pounding, you feel short of breath, you feel dizzy, you have the runs, your appetite is low, you can’t stop peeing, and your throat is scratchy and hoarse when you talk. 

I have the extra weight to lose, mind you, but there’s something unnerving about losing it by way of illness, stress or drugs. If I were going to lose it I would rather do it the healthy way I would do it before my thyroid got as bad as it is today… diet and exercise. If I could somehow stand the hunger. For the last year or two, my goal has been not to enter the obese range, and guess what folks? Anxiety is a guaranteed way to get yourself denied membership into Obesity Land. Still, I don’t recommend it. I can see why thin, sickly people say they’d rather be fat and healthy. Me too! And at this point, I’d do ANYTHING to feel better. I’ll eat oranges every day. I’ll paint these walls gray. I’ll listen to gospel… 

What I just didn’t get was why I’m having the same damn symptoms I had on the medication that was supposed to STOP these feelings. Tammy feels that if anything 75mcgs weren’t enough, but because I can’t take that much cuz of the side effects I need to be put on something else. I’m guessing I’ll be going to Armour, but I don’t know for sure yet. It’s pig thyroid instead of synthetic. 

Tammy's damn right in saying I can’t work out for now. The more physical I get, the worse it is. I had to keep taking breaks to rest while finishing up the laundry today. We talked on the phone twice. I also kept in touch with Tom at work via email, as usual. I’m glad I’m shifting onto nights and will be asleep through his next workweek. It isn’t just the thyroid that’s been making me feel lousy but the anxiety as well, and I’m definitely less anxious when he’s home. If anything the anxiety is the bigger problem right now and that needs to be medicated too, at least for a while. The problem is I’m low on lorazepam so I don’t want to take it unless I’m totally freaking out. My appointment isn’t until 11/13. 

I can do a couple of quick jogs for a few minutes on the treadmill while he’s here, but no racing through the park on my beloved bike for a while. I suppose I could still work my arms and abs, but again, quickly and minimally. I can’t spend 10-15 minutes on my arms, then another 10-15 minutes crunching. It’s easier to maintain one’s shape than to get there in the first place, so I don’t think I’ll experience much muscle breakdown with a few minutes on each part. 

Last night my heart raced and my anxiety soared from around 8pm - 11:30. I read on my Kindle, then I crashed around 2:30. Fucking traffic woke me up a couple of hours earlier than I was ready to get up (yeah, I figured I was due for a wake-up call), and then from 9:30 till 11:30 I dozed on and off. I just did NOT want to get up and face the day. A few years ago I didn’t want to get up and deal with how broke we were; now I don’t want to get up to deal with how lousy I feel. But I knew I couldn’t hide in bed forever and didn’t want Tom to do the laundry on top of his main job, even though I knew he gladly would if he had to. 

So little by little I did the laundry, but just transferring the clothes from the washer to the dryer could be a bit taxing on my heart. I had to lie down here and there, and I also kept going from hot to cold and was very jittery. Then it suddenly let go and my heart was fine and I felt calm. I hoped I’d be ok for the rest of the day, but it seized its grip on me on and off like it was an invisible evil entity having fun tormenting me until a couple of hours before Tom got in at 6:00. I just hope it’s not going to get worse and pick up in frequency before the 13th! 

Tammy doesn’t think anything’s punishing me any more than Tom does. She said bad things just happen. She’s done things she shouldn’t have. I’ve done things I shouldn’t have. But that doesn’t mean we’re being punished. I know, I know, it’s just hard to feel that way at times. Especially when things are at their worst. I really appreciate Tammy being there for me via phone when Tom’s at work. I feel bad that I felt too bad to focus more on what’s going on with her and the girls. The girls just got a nice 2-bedroom apartment. I’m happy for them since they don’t seem to mind apartments. Tammy wants Tom to call her since I was pretty shaken up and in tears, and well, that’s just the nurse in her, I guess. Even if he’s heard of and is aware of all that she might say, it will make Tammy feel better and there’s nothing wrong with giving her some peace of mind after supporting me like she has. 

For now, we’re going to see how I do over the weekend. If there are any problems he’ll take me to urgent care on Monday. 

I just hope I live to see Andy and my sister and my husband retire someday! I’d love to be near her now in Florida, but our situation is different than hers and Mark’s so we couldn’t just up and move there anytime soon.

Later… 

I have felt wonderful for the last 7 hours that I almost can’t believe I practically felt like I was going to die earlier in the day. The difference between how I feel now vs. then is like night and day. I just wish I could feel this good ALL the time. But any second, my heart could take off on a mad run, kicking my anxiety up along with it. My thyroid’s going to make my heart do whatever it’s going to do with or without Tom’s calming presence, but him being around definitely helps with the anxiety end of it cuz that’s coming more from me than my piece of shit thyroid. 

The rats are enjoying their new plush beds, though one isn’t plush at all and should be easy enough to wash. The hanging tent, though, has a furry lining. 

We were actually discussing possibly going from rats to a cat once these guys are gone. Only we’d have just one cat and it would live a decade or more instead of two years or less like rats do. Rats aren’t as much work as dogs, but they are more work than cats. Cleaning litter boxes would be much easier than cleaning rat cages, and the cat wouldn’t have to be let out of a cage for exercise and supervision. I don’t have to watch the rats every second like a hawk, but they are rodents and they can burrow into things and chew things, too. Cats can jump, claw and chew as well, but they don’t have the razor-sharp teeth rodents have. Romeo and Sugar could go anytime now, but Hoodie’s got quite a bit of time left, so we have time to think about it. This would be a good size house for a cat, too. 

Had to kick on the heat this morning, but the next two days should be warm. 

The only sucky thing is that the stand I got for my Kindle, which is a great stand, is for newer, slimmer models. Guess it’s time for a basic Paper White. 

Due to being busy and feeling shitty I still haven't documented what dreams I remember having over the last few days, but I have taken notes so I don’t forget anything. Maybe tomorrow I will get to them since I won’t have any cleaning to do. We might go out and look at furniture, but that’s about it.