Today I’ve got great timing. I got up, ate, showered, and then I walked down to the lake to give the ducks the last of the old bread. It was beautiful out. In the low sixties and mostly sunny. On the way back to the house, at the edge of the park, I found a green plastic ball that probably came from one of the yards beyond the wall. I would have thrown it back over if I’d known which yard it came from but since I didn’t, I took it home, cleaned it up, and threw it in the playpen.

Then I opened the front and back doors to air the place out while I dusted the living room and now it’s raining. So, good timing.

My herbaWHORES are a bit screamy today because their lettuce went bad. :-( They’re being temporarily placated with tomatoes. Tom will pick up more lettuce on the way home from work which will be a little late because he has a meeting.

Okay… I’m trying not to think too positively or get my hopes up too much thinking I just may have found my ‘off’ switch after having the carpet yanked out from under me enough times in the past where the anxiety is concerned.

But brand issues do seem more plausible than the Amberen. Twice that we know of, I got anxious after a brand change. Also, one of the things that didn’t make sense about the Amberen was that I started it in June of 2016 but didn’t start having problems until December. If I was taking an off-brand anytime in 2014 or 2015, I was so fucked up anyway being in the worst of the perimenopause and the trauma of the meds shocking my system that I might not have been able to separate that particular feeling. More than likely, though, if it is a brand issue, I don’t think they ever off-branded me until the end of 2016 for some reason.

I’m hoping I can go with him the next time I need a refill. I know he can speak for me but it’s very important to me. This isn’t just a dry mouth or runny nose. It’s a horrible, HORRIBLE feeling that can make you suicidal if it gets bad enough so I would like to be there to oversee what meds I get and all that. It has to be in the bottle from the Sandoz manufacturer. It can’t be that round skinny bottle they sometimes give me that the pharmacists use. Most important are the pills themselves and what they look like. I would like to see them for myself if my schedule will let me.

If this is it then that would make the doctors both right and wrong in telling me it’s not the medication and me both right and wrong in saying yes it is. It would also be sad that I had to be the one to figure it out if I really did, but as long as somebody eventually figures it out I wouldn’t give a shit who it was. Again, trying not to get my hopes up even though that psychic side of me is telling me to jump for joy and scream with delight because this could very well be it. Hopefully, I can do just that if I can stick to this brand and stay calm until the next time I see Dr. A again. Oh, what a celebration that and officially hitting menopause would be! Yeah, I know, I know. It sounds too good to be true, right?

But again, it would explain some things. Like how I would improve when I would stop taking the off-brand. I considered a placebo effect but that sure would be one hell of a placebo effect and I’d like to think I’m not that suggestible or gullible in any way. It would also explain why I would sometimes have anxiety when he was home since the off-brand wouldn’t know when he was home or not.

Last year, after getting the round pills in January, I was bad until the summer. Did well over the summer but in late August, the anxiety returned, stopping when I went on the 50s Dr. O gave me and then back to the 75s she also would have been the one to have given me.

Seems like they could be off-branding me every other refill. But was that sticker claiming it was the same medication on any of the previous off-brands? Or maybe they felt they didn’t need to put them on because the pills looked the same? Had it not been for that sticker I might not have noticed the subtle differences in the last off-brand refill. If they’re round they’re obvious since Sandoz is oblong but whatever this last off-brand is looks similar to Sandoz unless you inspect them closely. Then you can see the off-brand has more gray than lavender and is a little shorter and fatter.

As much as I would love to be able to go six months without anxiety and a year without a period, I’m sure my shit luck will call for the carpet being yanked out from under my feet soon enough, so yeah, as promising as this one seems, I don’t want to jump the gun, get my hopes up too high, and really jinx myself.

Not remembering much in the way of dreams lately. Just another Jesse dream where we had lived with him and then moved out but our places looked different. Well, I didn’t see our place but his place was a dumpy old trailer like what we rented in real life rather than a house in which he built.

It was weird because while we lived with him I did his cleaning and laundry. So Tom and I went over to his place one day (I guess we had the key) while he was out, but after we had moved out. There were a couple of bags of laundry which I assumed Jesse expected me to wash after I cleaned up.

I asked Tom if he thought I should bother with his laundry and he said no. Don’t know if I ever did any cleaning, though. I hope not, LOL.