“I can’t believe it’s raining and in the 40s and mid-May!” I said to Tom earlier. “It feels like February or like we’re back in Oregon. If we ever are dumb enough to risk another long-distance move, no half-assing it next time. Next time we’re doing it right and going summer all the way.”

“But we were limited to where you could go because of your ear,” Tom said.

“Yeah, but we didn’t know till we came here that the elevation in Oregon was the problem.”

“No, but it was safe to say that was a pretty good guess.”

Ah, that lifelong curse from above; my fake ear canal I had created in 1995. Another dumb mistake along with the braces. And as with most major changes I make or have made to my body, be it as a child or an adult, I have been made to pay for it. And so I have come to see that no matter what we may have for money, taking a chance on moving to a place that’s right at sea level (no place I’ve lived since the canal was made) may be asking for trouble.

But that’s just the problem – I’m not only full of conflicting desires but full of mixed emotions as well. I want to move to Florida because it’s warmer more often, it’s different, and I can’t know what it will be like, good or bad, without actually living there. At the same time, I don’t want to take any more risks. I’ve taken enough risks in life as it is. As we’ve learned, once we take root in a new place, we can’t just up and leave the minute we decide we don’t like it. It may only take a few days to get to a new place, but it often takes years to get out of it.

I even have mixed emotions about a job. I want him to get a job that’s too good to throw away, but I also don’t want anything trapping us here should we decide to up and risk moving long-distance again if by some miracle we get anything worthwhile out of his pension fund.

Tom had a strange feeling along his lower stomach/hip that felt like a rope burn. It started yesterday and has lessened today, but we’re not sure what it is.

Paula called my old phone number and amazingly she was able to leave me a voice message. I just played it right from the link in the email. She was just calling to see how I was and again I have to wonder why when we’ve got email. Email is so much better than phones. I sent her a message and let her know that phone’s been deactivated and that email is easier anyway, and what I prefer most. It seems I’ve already told her this, though.

Anyway, between the cold, rain and PMS, I’m in a blah mood. I feel hopeless, helpless and like things will never change.

Still nothing from Nane. I’m really surprised she hasn’t at least posted anything on her wall. That is unless she has and is hiding it from me. You can do that and choose to hide things from certain friends. But would she do that? Hmm… I don’t know about that.

Maybe that’s another thing that’s got me down. Other than hearing from Kim and Mitch (yeah, I can have all the attention I want if it’s male or a huge ugly chick), I haven’t heard much from anyone.

Marie answered Formspring’s question of the day for the first time in 3 months and updated her profile there. It says she lives with her wife and cats and has all she ever dreamed of and more. Lucky her, if that’s true. She also moved, apparently, to a place called Cheektowaga. Never heard of it. Where Trumansburg was in central NY this place is in the eastern part of the state just above Buffalo. Hmm… I wonder if she’s still in the boonies. I also wonder if some of the “blank” NY hits my blog gets could be her. And why is she following me on Formspring if she’s so happy with the woman of her dreams she’s supposed to have? I guess there’s no reason not to remain friends. I mean I will always care for her and wonder about her but I definitely don’t want to go back to regular contact with her. As soon as she breaks up with whoever she’s with now, she’ll get hooked on me again. Or maybe she would even if she stood with her forever.