Andy was telling me that while he’s still much happier in life, he feels bummed that his sex life is “over.” He feels ugly and like no one’s interested in him. He said he realized a couple of weeks ago that that’s it. His sex life is over.

And I realized that my own sex life was over a hell of a lot sooner. I went on to point out that many older/long-term couples experience this, etc., even if most won’t admit it.

I know what it’s like to feel cheated and deprived at the same time I’m happy and feel blessed. And I feel the same way about myself; that I look fat, old and ugly. It just doesn’t get to us as much when we’re older as it does when we’re younger. Even though I know I could look a lot worse than I do, let’s just say there’s no way I’d get a job dancing if I looked like I do now 20 years ago! So I can relate to feelings of ugliness. I wish I could snap my fingers and have him materialize right now so I could give him a hug, but then I stop and think of how my appearance may scare the shit out of him and I cringe, LOL.

The love continues to grow, but the lust has long died. I know Tom would do his best to please me if I hit him for sex, but I just haven’t wanted to and he seems content with the way things have been as well. And the more we evolve as “friends,” the less I see him as a sexual partner. But this doesn’t mean I’d ever want to trade him for the world for he is the most wonderful person I’ve ever known and I couldn’t imagine life without him under any circumstances.

I also know I could make attempts to meet women in my area for sex, but won’t do that. Because A, I never find them when I’m actually looking, and B, the types of women I go for wouldn’t be in bars or putting ads on online dating services. Bars and dating services are more likely to be full of druggies, alkies, nutjobs and obsessive types. I’d rather that stable, successful financial genius called Nane, even if she is half a planet away and I don’t hear from her as much as I’d like and she’s forever out of reach. As Andy himself once said, the 20 seconds of pleasure and release aren’t always worth the shit that can come with it. I’d rather imagine first best than settle for some local chick that may very well cause me a whole lotta headaches and maybe even worse.

If I had to choose between real love and real lust, I’d take the love any day because I know that all lust eventually fades like a song played over and over and over again, but that my love for Tom and his love for me won’t fade. Remember, I told Andy, the next time you see a hottie walking down the street – he ain’t always gonna look that way.

Anyway, the point is I totally understand what it feels like to feel you have no choice but to resign to the fact that some things are just meant to be no matter what. We don’t have as much free will as some folks like to think we do. There really are some things that are totally out of our hands no matter how much we try to seize control of those things and change them. So just like he’s resigned to being sexless, I’ve had to resign to the fact that my husband and I are going to be very poor for most of our lives because that’s just who we were meant to be. It’s not fair and I don’t know why this is in our cards. We’re just as smart, capable (with the exception of my sleep disorder) and willing as anyone else and we truly did try to get ahead, but it looks like the best we’ll be “allowed” to do in life is struggle to keep our heads above water. But we ain’t getting out of that water altogether and this bummy old trailer and its serious lack of space will probably be our home for many years to come. Whatever my past, present or future dreams may be – there’s always someone else destined to live them out, but never me. So even though it doesn’t always console me to tell myself things could be worse since what’s bad is bad enough, I just try to focus on the good things I am allowed to enjoy in life.

We always seem to be lacking in one department or another. If it’s not money it’s sex. If it’s not sex it’s health.

I got up at 1pm yesterday and spent most of the day and night depressed. There have been no bids on our auctions, no more book sales, no book reviews on my book, and not even any waste-of-time job interviews for Tom with people eagerly looking to snatch up the young and pretty for hire.

Tom calls it PMS, I call it reality, though it’s probably a mix of both. I still can’t accept or be “ok” with knowing we’re going to be poor most of our lives and never have the things we really want.

We’re going to be poor, we’re going to rent little old dumps – why can’t I just tell myself this and get over it? Why can’t I tell myself there are worse things in life than being poor in someone else’s tiny old dump? Hmm… maybe because what’s bad is bad enough so it’s useless to compare myself to those who are in worse situations than mine. Yet some days it’s a hell of a lot harder to focus on what good I have instead of the bad. And today I see a poor, forever sexless person who’s going to spend a lot more time dreaming than living.

Speaking of dreams; the kind we have when we’re asleep – I had another senseless moving dream. I was moving somewhere but was moving with my parents. They were each driving a car. I don’t know where Tom was or even which one of my parents I was riding with. It makes no sense because they would never move me or anyone else and they certainly wouldn’t do it by car. I couldn’t even fit all my stuff in two cars let alone theirs and mine. But many of my dreams seem to have some hidden message in them or at least little hints and clues. The only possible message I see in the dream is any inheritance money they may leave moving us, and I don’t like that. I don’t like it for obvious reasons in that I’d prefer my parents to never die. But that’s not going to happen. So focusing on reality; I still don’t like it because that’s about 5-10 years away. That’s a long fucking time to be stuck here! We’ve already been here just over 3 years.

Gosh, I wish I could know just what the future holds for us! Even if I didn’t like it, maybe knowing would ease my anxieties a bit. But I’m never going to be that psychic, so that’s just a fantasy, too.

I realize that more than likely, if we ever stand a chance of changing fate, it’s going to have to be by me winning big. And I mean really big.

Where the hell are Maliheh and Nane? I’m getting a little sick of asking myself that and beginning to wonder if Maliheh’s playing with me. Is she really that busy that she can’t at least send a quick email every few days? And I don’t know what to think of Nane anymore. If she’s been on Facebook, then she’s been doing things I can’t see there.

Later…

“How do you know we won’t be forever poor and that this isn’t just about us? As in a curse that’s picking on us only?” I asked Tom.

“Because we’re one of millions of people affected by the economy’s collapse, and because the economy has been better before at which time we’ve done well.”

But when? When will it get better??? I can’t believe it’ll be before the decade’s up and that’s a long time to be struggling like this.

I still say God or whatever’s up there could’ve helped us and spared us from being one of those millions. When I think back over the last 20 years or so, there are so many things along the way that could’ve happened differently and for the better. Hell, Tom could’ve had a nice house with nice neighbors in which case we’d probably still be there with the place completely paid for.

I was surprised yet glad to hear that Andy’s getting food stamps, though they don’t call them food stamps anymore. These days it’s like a credit card that they refer to as food subsidy. He gets $200 a month and we, as two people, should be getting a little more than that once it kicks in.

Times sure have changed. It used to be that the lazy Mexican mom with 9 kids who refused to work or learn English was the one who did the collecting, but these days almost anyone who makes under 20-30 grand a year can collect. There’s been a big push lately to spread awareness about it. Even a group of college kids living together can qualify to get them as a group. It’s all about numbers these days which is the way it should be. Not about race, nationality or whether or not you have kids. Obviously, the more kids you have the more you get, but it’s nice to know they’ve finally recognized that even a white, childless couple needs to eat, too.

Andy said he was surprised I didn’t know this since I used to know about these things in the past. Yeah, but that was back when I was on disability in the mid-90s and would hear more about these kinds of things.

The biggest surprise was learning that you can make up to 30k here and still qualify for housing, though that one we’re not going to get because there’s no way Jesse could get this place to qualify. This is a 10-acre parcel of land in a rather expensive area and it’s just not going to qualify for C8. And we’re never gonna live in a scummy apartment again if we can help it.

Anyway, it was cool to play around on Formspring together for a while before he crashed. We’re rarely there at the same time. It seems that he, Mitch and my Ohio buddy are pretty much the only ones that keep in touch these days. As I said on Facebook in which someone “liked,” I’m not sure which is more frustrating - having friends vanish into thin air for no apparent reason or because we got into an argument. I think I’d rather the argument cuz then I at least know why they disappeared.

It seems that after not hearing from Nane or Maliheh for a while I then get what seems like a believable excuse as to why I haven’t heard from them, then once again I hear nothing from them until the next “reason” they give me. And now I’m thinking that yes, Maliheh is probably slowly dumping me and this is basically a game to her.

As for Nane; I probably said too much and she got sick of it. The last time we chatted in real-time I told her that her acceptance of those with handicaps only made me adore her more and that my lust may be turning into actual feelings for her. Funny how she suddenly had to go to bed, would talk to me “soon,” yet I haven’t heard from her since. She hasn’t even sent smiles and hugs or put anything on my wall in ages. Not even her own wall since the 5th, though I’m suspecting she probably has but just has it hidden from me.

But if she’s sick of me or feeling uncomfortable in any way, why not just dump me? Is it just a case of her feeling uncomfortable but not wanting to hurt me by tossing me out?

Sometimes I think it’d be kind of funny to dump her myself and send her the story I included her in, saying it’s her punishment for ignoring me, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t want to be mean to her. Especially if there’s a chance she may really seriously have a legit excuse for the silent treatment she’s giving me. IDK, maybe the guy whose ex she was helping get an apartment of her own hunted them down and shot them.

I was looking at a picture of Nane’s mother and wow! I’m still amazed by how attractive she is. I’ve always been attracted to older women, but this lady’s got to be around 70. Makes me wonder about myself, LOL.

The Beanie Babies didn’t sell, but the 9 dime-size pieces of turquoise cabochons we listed sold for just over $5. So up goes another turquoise lot. I wish I didn’t sprinkle some into the gravel around the pool we had in Phoenix to add color as I did. I’m sure the next owners were surprised to discover it, too.

We know they’d sell if we listed another large Beanie Baby lot. The problem is we don’t have any large boxes right now to ship them in right now.

It’s still cold and rainy here, but we’ve got another warm spell coming up in a couple of days. I’ll certainly enjoy it while it lasts!