Auburn, California
Age 44

So I got up today at noon, checked my email, and as expected there were about a dozen messages, pokes, and feedback from D, as I’m now supposed to refer to her. They start off with their usual flirtatious undertone and then I get a little surprise in response to my entry titled Pregnant? written to lead people to think Tom and I still get it on.

The message from D was: so I was reading sept 2 2009 entry and you said you guys were careful so I could not be pregnant. I had mentioned I do not like men in that way and if you guys are using me to both get your rocks off it stops here!!

Surprised by the sudden swing, I figured it had to be a misunderstanding on her part of some kind, though I already knew I was going to cut her off since the last thing I care to do is have to defend and explain myself to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I had just gotten up, though, so I waited to check it out after I’d had my coffee and taken my shower. Once I read the entry she was referring to I said to myself, whoa, this isn’t just a simple misunderstanding. This is clear-cut insanity! Her response has absolutely nothing to do with the entry. What’s her not liking men have to do with what I wrote? And where does she get off thinking Tom and I would ever “use a lesbian to further our sex life” as she said in another message to get our rocks off? Besides, I didn’t even know her in September!

For whatever it’s worth, threesomes have never appealed to me any more than getting fucked in the ass and I’m sure my husband agrees. To each their own. I’d never condemn one’s fantasies that aren’t violent or forceful. Not only are threesomes unappealing, but I have never stepped out on my husband and I’m sure he’s never stepped out on me. I’ve flirted, like most people, but that’s as far as it went. Not that I could imagine he’d ever want to, but I would rather Tom have sex alone with another woman than with her and I both. Nonetheless, here’s the entry she’s referring to:

The freeloader’s dog barked at me a few times at 2:30 last night when I went into the kitchen to make a pig of myself yet again. Unless it was really Brandy. Neither of us has seen any dogs, but I still think it’s a matter of time.

I hate this time of year when September rolls around. Not as much as I did as a kid since September meant the start of school, and I hated school. I still hate it, though, as it means cooler temps, more noise, and holidays galore. I hate holidays that disrupt our lives, especially the mail. Our check is going to be a day or two late cuz of Labor Day, but we have plenty of food. That is if I can stop making such a pig of myself. I just don’t get it. I’m not only insanely hungry, but I am also able to take in HUGE quantities of food like when I got carried away after quitting smoking. It’s either hard to fill up at all or I’m only satisfied for 5 minutes. Keep this shit up and I’ll be looking at not only not losing any more weight, but putting what I’ve lost back on and then some!

I wish I knew what was causing such hunger and bloating. My metabolism is acting like old times - jumping 2-3 pounds after eating, sustaining its weight after not eating.

Given my age and how careful we are, I don’t see how I could be pregnant. I’d get an abortion if I were, even if I had to pawn this Mac to do it, as I do not want a child.

I will honor her request to be referred to as just M or D here, as well as her request not to mention her past or the depth of her feelings for me. But I can’t continue communicating with her. Be good to me, I’ll be good to you. Piss me off, I’ll never forgive you. I can’t go so far as to say she’s literally pissed me off, but I am A, highly annoyed, and B, I see a potentially dangerous side to D coming out. She was never violent that I recall at VH, but has admitted to being jailed for assault. I hate to say it, but a lot of these butches can be just as violent as some guys can be, and D isn’t someone I could take. If anything she could probably kick the crap out of 90% of the population. Perhaps I’m wrong, and if I am, I am and I’m sorry, but I can totally picture myself, had we ever been together somewhere in public, getting my ass screamed at or beat for what she thought was me checking out some other woman across the street when in fact I was really checking out a window display.

You would think that after 44 years of experience with people, I’d have seen this coming. Even she herself said she had to take meds to keep on an even keel. I thought it strange that she would still need meds this late in life, but they obviously mask her crazy, paranoid side quite well, for she had come off until now as being quite with it. She seemed to really have a head on her shoulders. I was impressed. But seeing this dark side of her jump out at me like it has makes me sooo glad that we weren’t single and within easy reach of her when we made contact on Christmas. I wouldn’t have hesitated to get together with her and I have a huge feeling I would be very wrong in believing she wouldn’t have broken my heart and that she would’ve been very good to me. I’m sure it would have started off wonderfully. Until she got something out of context, took it all wrong, or had some kind of insanity attack for no apparent reason at all.

No matter how many women I may be attracted to, Tom is my one and only true love. If he came out and told me he killed 100 people, nothing would change my feelings for him. Fireworks may fizzle with time and age, but sometimes love just keeps on growing!

Do I regret the last week of having D in my life? No. Absolutely not. Her attraction and feelings for me are flattering and always will be. There will also always be a special kinship between us being victims of VH together amongst a few other things. A part of me will always adore D. Both the friendship and fantasy are over, but I will always be attracted to her and hope for the best for her. I hope she finds that special Miss Right and that they both make each other happy for the rest of their lives. sighs It’s sad that it has to end this way for us, even if we could never be anything more than cyber girlfriends, but it does. Besides, I’m much too busy these days to deal with any shit unless it’s something I have no control over. Like the assholes in back getting trigger-happy. Ugh!

D also asked how Tom and I were almost killed, about the lump in my breast, and if I was okay. As far as I know, I’m okay. And how we were killed refers to how we nearly killed ourselves to escape starving in the streets before my parents came to the rescue back in 2007 when we got stuck in motels shortly after moving down here. This was caused by us not being able to access our money for a while and that particular nightmare will be posted as part of my autobiography I’m slowly editing and reposting.

It took over a month to do it, but my story is #1 on the other site with over 1000 views! Wow, the #1 journal here and the #1 story there? Wow! Just wow.

I have other things to write about but am all written out for now. And sad over my falling out with D.

If D’s such a pest and a nut, then why do I feel so damn guilty for dumping her? Ugh! rolls eyes After all, I am the one that wrote the fucking entry while I told her the truth and that Tom and I are “more like good friends” like she and Melanie are. She loves her, but they don’t have sex, she said. She seems to have been honest with me. Oh well. What’s done is done. Yeah, I feel bad, but she’ll get over it.

Later…

Wow, it’s still the 1st and I’ve already done so much writing! Anyway, I didn’t realize at first what it was that had pissed D off. I’d forgotten about that entry as it was months ago. But after putting myself in her shoes, I said to myself, “Come on, this is silly. You’d be pissed too, reading one thing while being told another. Tell it like it is in your journal and keep the bullshit confined to your stories. That’s what stories are for!”

For a while, I considered dropping online journaling, but I know some people count on my entries and that we can’t all please everybody all the time. We all write and say shit that some folks just aren’t gonna be happy about from time to time. So should we all go away?

Before I get back to D, I admit it – the Ariella entries that I removed some time ago were pure bullshit. Back when my sister and her brood were harassing me, I figured that if they were going to keep bitching about my journal, I ought to really give them an eyeful! But there never really was an Italian hottie up the hill I got it on with named Ari. “Ariella Givanni” is just a character in the book I’m writing. We don’t even know our neighbors. We sometimes see their damn dogs and we hear their gunshots, but we don’t know them.

Yeah, the assholes in back are back to shooting again. I expected people to get trigger-happy last night and they did. So much so that I’m surprised the dogs weren’t going off, but they were probably scared shitless.

Today, though, the assholes “test-fired” a few rounds no doubt to see if they could get away with it or if whoever called the cops on them last time would do it again. We can’t swear that the shooters are the same people with the dogs that they sometimes let loose, though not nearly as much as I expected. But I think they are the same people. I know these defiant, pushy types that just don’t want to get along with anyone.

Other than exchanging “Happy New Year” messages with Eileen and a few other cyber buddies, not much else is going on. Oh yeah, the pest (Jesse), came down yesterday with some woman. I guess it was to show her the roll of fake grass. They were only here a second and didn’t knock on the door, but I just hope he and the shooters don’t drive me too crazy! I really hope the laying of the grass and other projects aren’t too long and drawn out either! We can’t even go a month or two without something going on around here. They may have to be done, but it can still get annoying. So until the grass is laid, a part of me is going to want to strangle whoever gave it to him in the first place!

Oh, to have our own place so we could control what went on and when! I’m kind of surprised he didn’t make a pest of himself today, but I’m also not since he was probably too hungover.

Tom and I decided to make our own calendar this year, each of us picking out a picture every other month. He picked out this month’s picture (a nice garden scene he knew I’d like) and I’ll pick next month’s.

New Year’s Eve has always been my favorite holiday and it was fun hanging out with Tom and watching the ball go down. As always the real new year for me was 9pm my time being from the east and all. Tom, on the other hand, said he wished he could stay up till midnight and celebrate the New Year, but was too tired. I assured him it already was the New Year and he could go to bed. I almost got some wine coolers, and then said nah. I haven’t drunk in years, and it wouldn’t look very good of me to compliment D’s quitting drinking, then getting buzzed on wine coolers myself.

Sent 4 requests to God for the New Year. 1. That Tom and I and those I love remain in good health. 2. That we survive this damn economy. 3. That we “go home” this decade. 4. That D and I one day meet up, even if it takes 20 years and is only for 5 minutes.

Back to D. grins and feels a warmth spread throughout her So I started off the new decade in a cyber fight, LOL. It wasn’t the first one and I doubt it’ll be the last. She apologized profusely, telling me that it was just the Italian in her coming out. And I apologized like crazy for being a Jewish bitch and not telling her about the entry. I totally forgot about it. She said nah, I was a fem and she was a soft butch, LOL! She cracked me up a few days ago when she said, “Butch, dyke, tomboy, they all apply to me!”

Then again, she pretty much always cracks me up. The fantasies we share are fun. It’s a good way for two people to be together who can’t be together. We’re both spoken for and while there may not be any sex, we still love the ones we’re with. Although we sometimes feel like something is missing, we agree that lustless love is better than loveless lust.

I can’t put this part online, but she told me about her mother trying to kill her when she was just 6 and how her aunt came to the rescue, as well as being homeless and shacking up in abandoned houses for 6 months throughout the winter of all times when she was just 19. She had stayed with Tammy and her husband for a while, but that was too freaky for her.

She was even married twice. The first one was her fault, she said, the second was a psycho. She said she would marry me if she could and believes that three times is the charm.

Oh, that is so sweet of her! But I have to wonder. What if she saw me right now? Right this very instant. Would she still feel the same? Or would the bubble of her fantasy be deflated? Would I still be so perfect in her eyes? Or would the extra weight, gray hairs and the few wrinkles I’m just now starting to get kill that fantasy?

I didn’t realize D would take such an interest in me overall. It’s truly touching. When I first said hello on Classmates – shit! I just missed a $10 writing job on the Turk! – I wasn’t sure I’d get a reply. And if I did, I figured it’d be quick and not curt or rude, but not friendly. In other words, I figured she’d just be like yeah, yeah, whatever. So it’s little Evil Knievel. Big deal.

But I WAS a big deal and I’m way flattered and wowed by her interest in my life, my journal and “wanting to learn me” as she puts it (something about that turns me on, too). And yeah, I WOULD see her in a heartbeat if she were within reach, and no I don’t think she’d really harm me, like I said when I was pissed, if she misunderstood something I said or did. Raise her voice maybe, but not want to kill me or anything like that, LOL. I have never known her as an adult, but this is just what my gut instinct tells me. Especially with the way she basically fought for me for a few minutes there, LOL, saying she’d never forgive herself if I let her go.

How romantic, huh? To have this childhood crush come to life so many years later. I had wanted to tell her of my true feelings for her but was afraid it might be too much for her. Fortunately, I was wrong. Yes, for the second time since knowing Tom, I am in love with another woman. The first time was with the DO (detention officer) who liked me in jail (this will be posted sometime over the next few months). It took a few months, but I did come to love her, even though her promises of us getting together after my release failed to happen, and she was transferred from the female inmates to the male inmates after too many “flirtatious” rumors circulated throughout the jail.

If it had been any other student I knew there telling me the same things D was telling me it wouldn’t faze me at all. If any other student contacted me right now and said they were attracted to me or told me anything else I promised not to write about, they might as well be telling me they liked the color of my shirt for all I would care. When you try to convince yourself that something isn’t so, you know it really is, LOL! Like the argument I had with myself proved that went something like this:

Me: I love D.

Me2: That’s not possible.

Me: But I do. Love doesn’t lie. I know the feeling. And I knew it the instant we first exchanged messages.

Me2: But you didn’t even know her! Honestly, you can’t remember one single word you ever said to her at VH, though you’ve tried and tried.

Me: But I know how I feel. It’s a different kind of love than my love for Tom or my mother or my friend Paula. But it is love.

Me2: Like Miss Picky – so picky she didn’t marry till she was 28 – would just up and run out and marry (or join in a civil union if that was the best she could do) tall, dark, hot Italian D if she were suddenly single and within reach to do so?

Me: Damn right I would!