The incense sticks are staying lit more often, so yeah, I guess they were just too new at first. Sometimes they still go out but placing them in the bottle helps. The fudge nut brownie rocks!

I hope Paul survived the blizzard he said was on its way a couple of days ago!

Jesse didn’t come down today, believe it or not, and Tom didn’t hear the bulldozer. The weather was lousy, so that may be why. However, when he was down here the day he told Tom the puppy got run over, he said he thinks the people in back finally lost their dogs after they let them loose to kill one of the neighbors’ goats.

For those of you who have recently tuned into my journal, such as a certain someone with a dirty mind and heart of gold, LOL, the people in back have occasionally been a nuisance with their dogs and shooting sprees. They moved in shortly after we did in the summer of 2008 (figures, huh?). They would let their pit bulls run loose and they attacked one of Jesse’s dogs, prompting him to file a complaint with Animal Patrol. He gave us AP’s number to call if we saw them loose again. After a few months, the defiant freeloaders turned them loose again and I called AP. We may not have dogs or goats of our own to attack, but the thought of vicious dogs running loose didn’t thrill me, let alone the fact that they were so noisy. They wouldn’t walk by quietly like cats usually do, but would just stand out there barking at nothing and it was incredibly loud. Louder than Jesse’s dogs.

So the rumor is that they were let loose and they killed one of the goats, and AP finally got fed up with the complaints and took the dogs away. This might explain the weird sounds I heard not too long ago by the open bathroom window. Knowing these kinds of people, they’re bound to get new dogs or do something else to harass people. I hope they don’t go shooting more often!

The proofreading of my autobiography is going much slower than my journals. With my journals, I’m just looking for typos and last names. With my autobiography, I’m adding, deleting and rearranging sentences, so there’s a lot of editing to be done.

Tomorrow’s bound to be a shitty day in that I’m going to have my sleep broken up. I’m hoping they’ll bring the damn bullshitter down in the back where they plan to cut the trees and avoid waking me up. But I won’t count on it. And of course, there’s still the fake grass project we gotta deal with, too. I’m trying to push my schedule around faster but can only push it so far so fast. Maybe I ought to pump myself with caffeine. Then again, I’m just destined to get woken up here and there no matter what! Oh, and they’re not cutting the dead trees up because of any fines they might receive, but Jesse’s father’s only means of heat is via the fireplace, so they’re going to cut it into firewood. So I have to lose sleep so this guy can have heat, WTF?!

What’s with the fog here at night? It’s the strangest thing, but not only was Tom able to get TV channels from San Francisco last night for some reason but come dusk we get shrouded in this mysterious fog that appears out of nowhere. Even when there’s no rain or clouds.

Swapped emails with my D, as usual. She really seems to love and accept me as I am, and that’s so sweet of her. I always hated it when people would love me for my measurements only. To me, attraction is just a bonus, though you do gotta have some, especially in the beginning. I just always hated it when someone wanted to be my friend (or more than friends) simply because of how I looked. We all want to know we’re looking good to those we care about. But as I told her, if she’s like Tom and could still love a person even if they were scarred and disfigured in an accident, then she’s a hell of a person! She always brings a smile to my face (and explicit images to mind). When it comes to lovers I’ve always wanted to feel that I’m special and not just another attractive person or just another person they’ve come to love. I want to be queen, I want to be IT! The #1 belladonna. They don’t have to love everything about me as a person or about my appearance, since hey, no one’s perfect, but I want to rank incredibly high on their list!

She assures me she couldn’t keep her hands off me if she got the chance to show me just how much she loves me. That’s nice cuz I don’t think I could keep my paws off her! I just might not tell Tom that much. He knows we’re attracted to each other, but even though we’ve been just damn good friends for years now, I wonder if the thought of me having sex with another woman, whether I loved her or not, would hurt him? If I were ever faced with the possibility of actually having intimate relations with another woman, I’d have to ask myself a few questions:

Would what Tom may not know not hurt him if I didn’t tell him we had sex?

Would it be wrong even if we’re just friends and still love each other?

She said her first marriage broke up because she just couldn’t say no to a beautiful woman. She couldn’t say no and I couldn’t get anyone to say yes. At least not the ones I wanted to hear yes from. Had I always been into guys or butches, then I would’ve gotten plenty of yeses. But I was into the lipstick lesbian thing before meeting Tom.

Could I say no? If a woman I was attracted to, such as D, got me alone and initiated sex, could I say no? Or would I only be human and want her to put out my fire much as I would want to get a drink if I were thirsty?

I think I know the answer to that.

Neither of us can figure out how we came to love each other. I guess you could say we’ve both given up trying to figure it out. What is just is.

She’s talking more about visiting, and now she’s even thinking of getting out of New York and moving west so she doesn’t have to drive in the snow anymore. The thought of having her nearby is both scary and exciting. I wouldn’t want any complications that may arise, but I also love the idea. As I told Tom, I sometimes wish we had local friends so we could help each other when we needed it. Not just with big things, but with little things, too. We both agree, however, that she should get her degree first and save money.

I’ll always wonder what it’d be like to be with her. Would it have been like in my stories? Just ok? A disaster? Well, I can’t guarantee I’ll never have sex with another woman again, but I will NOT leave my husband. I still believe that just about all lust dies with time. So why leave someone I love just as much if not a million times more? Tom and I will always have a lot more history together than D and I will ever have even if she’s a part of my life for the rest of my life, and she swears she will be unless I tell her to go and that she’ll always love me no matter what I look like.

She too, worries I won’t like what I see if I suddenly saw her. Oh, but I’m sure I will, LOL! I think she got much better looking with age not that she was ever ugly. I love those dark eyes and shiny black hair, especially when it’s sort of long in back like in this one picture where she’s laying on a couch with her cat. She looks at least 10 years younger and appears to be in great shape, too.

Either way, we can dye our hair but no one’s exempt from aging. And that’s ok as wonderful as she is!

I wish there were more hours in a day! I haven’t had much time for working on stories or studying languages. It seems it took me forever just to do this entry as fast as I type.

Later…

rolls eyes and laughs D’s being a paranoid pest. My inbox was flooded with like a dozen messages from her when I got up, but as usual, the first two hours of my day were spent doing other things. So I didn’t get to do much computer-wise till around 7pm. I guess being on the rag made her a touch insecure, LOL, and she assumed that I was pissed at her when she didn’t get a reply when she messaged me earlier than I’d planned on being messaged by her. She got off work earlier than she expected, so I hadn’t factored her into my schedule. Didn’t think we’d chat till this weekend.

I’m almost glad she didn’t live locally today, LOL, cuz she probably would’ve been beating on the bedroom window to ask if I were pissed and THEN I’d have been pissed for damn sure!

By the time I caught up on other things, she was in bed, so I sent a message letting her know that I’m the LAST person to keep their mouth shut when annoyed or pissed at someone! Anyone who knows me knows I couldn’t keep my mouth shut if I tried. So I’ll gladly let her know if I get pissed at her. I adore the hell out of her, but she’s gotta give me some space at times, as I told her, cuz as it is I don’t have enough hours in my day to do everything I’d like to do.

I’m sorry I wasn’t there to cheer her up if there was anything else going on that I don’t know about. She said something about an interview and getting her hair done, but I don’t know what it’s for.

It was my turn to bug her when I saw her weather. Man is she getting slammed with cold and snow there in Trumansburg, LOL! I teased her about it, saying her heater and hot water tank must be running non-stop like the energizer bunny out of control! I just hope she’s careful driving. I’d rather her flood my inbox with her silly paranoia than end up dead!

She said something about having issues and keeping them to herself 99% of the time, but like I told her, that’s not good! She needs to get things out so she doesn’t go exploding.

She shared a fantasy with me that I won’t repeat here. grins She also joked about women liking her for some reason. Yeah, they sure do! I don’t own her, I told her, and we’re not married, so she’s free to whore around, though I’d say she’s beyond those days, LOL!

I didn’t get up till 5pm, and amazingly, Jesse let me sleep, even though he did drop off another roll of grass today. All he did was drop it off, though. He didn’t drag it across anywhere. He didn’t know when he’ll be back either. Depends on if he’s working. He also wants to wait for better weather.

We went out to the grocery store and man was it scary for a minute there! The fog was so thick we could barely see. The Chinese food (fried chicken and rice) and chocolate-covered cherries I got were worth it, though.

I swapped messages with Jessie, who’s on a medication that bloats her out so much that she says she looks pregnant and will scream if one more person looks at her stomach, the poor thing. She’s also sick of hearing about the president’s “dinners” and their fancy clothes while so many people struggle to survive. Yeah, I’m pretty damn sick of him and his shit, too.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed for the equality thing the gays have going on in the Supreme Court. I didn’t even know about it till Tom told me. The news is too depressing so I don’t keep up on it. I’m fed up with all the BS going on in the Middle East anyway. We’re both all for it, of course, and again, it’s not just about marriage, but about stopping the way people are treated differently like when blacks filed a case against being made to drink from separate water fountains and sit on the other side of a restaurant, etc. Gays can’t file taxes jointly and save money like we can. Tom could visit me in the hospital if I were in an accident, but a gay couple who’s been together 50 years can’t see their loved ones in the hospital and that’s pretty messed up. So it’s also about taxes, hospital visits, adoption, etc. This could be a huge stepping stone for them, but knowing how twisted and unfair the laws and world can be, I wouldn’t hold my breath either.

You could say I’ve got quite a resume going from babysitting and housekeeping to singing and dancing, and then from contests to writing. I’ve never had a writing assignment rejected yet, and some are posted online while others may appear in magazines that you may very well read. I don’t think there’s a day that goes by that I don’t write. If I’m not writing for myself, I’m writing for someone else. Sometimes it’s stuff I’m familiar with due to firsthand experience. Sometimes it’s opinions and theories. Sometimes it’s a particular subject they need a writer to do a review or an article about and I gotta research the subject first.

The propane people are coming on Tuesday. Propane’s more expensive now and will cost $250 for 100 gallons. Thank God for the Turk! It should last till April or maybe even June this time around. When it’s at its coldest the gage drops 1% a day. It seems to total about $800 a year in propane, maybe a little less. It beats the $450 electric bills we had in the summers in Maricopa. And of course, the forced air heaters in the Oregon duplex were quite an expense, too.

I don’t miss the cold and snow up there, but miss seeing some of the people. There were so many nice people up there! I still wonder what became of Jane. And I miss seeing Liz and Estella at the grocery store. Then there was Jan, a member of the Klamath Indian tribe, who traded in her brick-and-mortar store for an online store. I wish I could remember her web address! Tom’s coworker Eddie was just a phone call away if we needed help moving anything. It was the type of town where everybody knew everybody else. I miss the mailman, Randy, most of all, believe it or not. He was such a nice guy. If I can ever finish editing my autobiography, I’ll have the rest of our time in Oregon posted on Blogger.

Despite the people I miss, it was a dead-end town for us and we would’ve ended up a million times worse off had we been there when the economy collapsed. I just didn’t think we’d jinx this state by moving to it, but it sure seems like we did just that!

I wrote a letter to my folks and let them know that other than having to make a career of unemployment, we’re doing well. I said I’d try to write every month or so since I’ve gotten real bad about keeping in touch by phone. We couldn’t have talked more than half a dozen times in the last few years, and most of the time it’d be them calling me!

My back has been fucked up lately and I wonder if my chair could have anything to do with it. The mesh backing is stretching out and causing me to slouch.

So where does all the time go, I wonder? It seems it took me, someone who types faster than a bullet, forever to write my folk’s letter and to do this entry. The hours slip by so fast and I just can’t do everything I want to do. I wish there were more hours in a day! Since work is slow right now I guess I’ll go try to do some editing.