Little ole foggy-brained me wasn’t supposed to do this entry for another 6 hours or so, but that’s because my “burn-out” experiment isn’t going so well. For those of you who know I’ve had trouble maintaining a schedule for years; I’ve been trying to crash earlier in hopes of holding it for a while. Part of what makes it hard for me to hold a schedule is A, I have trouble falling asleep, and B, I sometimes need more sleep than usual. So if I’ve been up 18 hours and need 10 hours of sleep, that’s what can cause it to jump.

Everything was going fine for starters. I shut down about an hour before Marie sent a message asking if I was getting afraid of her as I learn more about her. laughs Shouldn’t I be the one asking her that?

Anyway, I’m mighty glad to know my getting emotional gets Marie’s motor running, cuz I’m about to engage in a bit of a bitchfest. It wouldn’t surprise me if she had engine failure in the end!

So I shut down and got into bed right before 7:00. By 9:00 I was out cold as I had hoped to be. Only I was supposed to sleep till around 5:00, not 2-fucking-30!

I thought of taking melatonin or Benadryl, but knew that’d not only put me back to sleep, but for a lot longer than 5:00. I finally pulled myself out of bed before 4:00, ate and made coffee. I’m hoping that, plus a shower, will perk me up, but I’m still kind of out of it.

I’m just not sure if I’m waking up just because or if some sound is waking me up, though I don’t know what it could be if it is. I guess my sleep is just cursed no matter what, but this has been the reward for trying to help myself so far. And of course I get pissed at God above when I think about how I don’t need this shit on top of knowing I’m going to be poor and uninsured pretty much all my life, renting other people’s trashy trailers. He gave me this problem, so the least He could do is help me with it or at least let me help myself, but no. clenches fists Gotta be His poor-ass bum and not even be able to control my schedule while I’m at it, and just why is He so determined to make bums out of Tom and I anyway? Huh??? When the fuck is this unemployment trip ever going to end?

I wonder… would God actually get off on seeing me hurt myself right now? Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to do anything stupid. I wouldn’t give Him the satisfaction if that truly is what He would do, and that’s a very chilling thought to consider. It’s BEYOND chilling to think there could be some outer force with more power than I could ever have that might take pleasure in my pain. Or at least my sheer frustration. Things could be a lot worse than they are, so I’m not at my wit’s end or anything like that. Just frustrated. I’m sick of being stuck in the same old rut for what was weeks, then became months, and now could very well be years.

Learning about Marie has been an interesting experience. I still can’t figure out how I came to love someone I haven’t seen in 26 years and whom I barely knew when I did see her. All I knew about her was her name, and that she went from having a girlfriend named Tammy to a girlfriend named Judy. I was going to write about something that really makes me love her all the more, but am just too tired to do it right now. Actually, it’s pretty simple. It’s because I can do this without being made to feel bad for it. All my life so many people have had a problem with my emotional side coming out, particularly when it was my angry side. They just can’t handle it for some reason. They were always quick to either defend who/what I was pissed at or make excuses for it or play it down or something. I would end up feeling worse and like I should have stifled my feelings. People could usually deal with things that made me sad, but for some reason, my being mad at something or someone really puts them off.

I’m going to get back into bed now, and if I fall asleep, so be it.

Later…

They published my travel story on a Caribbean cruise site but I don’t know why they have me listed as living in Portland Oregon. We lived in Klamath Falls when I wrote this article which is actually just excerpts from my journal.

What a picnic that cruise was compared to when we first moved here! Most of the other cruisers weren’t what I expected them to be. I pictured most of them to be older and mellow when in fact most were just as loud and as obnoxious as your average kid of today is when you go out in public. This is because most of them spent their time at sea getting drunk.

So my schedule’s back to being as fucked up as it usually is. I tried to stay up but ended up falling back asleep and getting those 3 hours I lost. I didn’t get up till after 8am. This means I probably won’t crash before midnight and I’ll probably need 10-12 hours to make up for having my sleep broken up. I thought sleeping at night would mean less waking up during my sleep, but obviously, I’m going to either get woken up by whatever in the daytime and just because at night. I’m sure I’ll wake up 2-3 times along the way tonight, too. I just hope I can go right back to sleep if I’m still tired.

Jesse obviously worked today because when I got up for good this morning the dogs were going crazy. Well, Whiskey was. Yelling at him does no good anymore, probably because he knows I’m not going to beat him with a stick or do whatever it is Jesse does to keep them quiet when he’s home.

In light of the bitchfest in my last entry, Marie cared enough to send me a beautiful scenic video of an old Pretenders song. It cheered me up, but as Tom says, a lot of it is just PMS. I hope I’m not PMSing or on the rag when she visits! Definitely not on the rag.

We heard a shot today and a shot yesterday. We’re both surprised there’s so much shooting here where there are this many people. We may not have one person per every square inch out here like in the city, but there are still enough people in this particular area that you would think there wouldn’t be so much shooting. If there’s this much here, I’m not sure I want to move off the grid.

Exchanged messages with Jessie and Eileen. Looking back on it now, it’s no wonder Eileen could put up with me at camp while no one else wanted to deal with me being the stick of dynamite that I was. She would’ve known and understood what was going on with me.