We’ve had some snow for the last few days, though not much. Most of it gets melted away by the afternoon. It seems we’re not having such a huge fluctuation between the highs and lows as we did in the summer. It’s supposed to hit 37º today but only drop to 26º tonight.

It’s starting to come down harder now. As much as I hate the shit, it’s doing a good job of keeping next door from going duplex-hopping as much, and of course Bev won’t be out hanging clothes today, not that that’s usually a bother. She hasn’t woken me up yet. At least I don’t think she has. I just dread the next Sunday she decides to go furniture-tossing! I’m also not looking forward to any knife-tossing when the weather warms up, but if Bev heard them, I’m sure I’ll hear them.

As much as I’d prefer to be closer to the coast and in California, a part of me is tempted to just stay here, though not in this duplex. I don’t want anyone attached to us and I don’t want anyone’s backyard just outside our window, but maybe we should just move to a more rural area on the outskirts of town. If we did that, we wouldn’t have to worry about him finding work in a new town, and of course, we’d enjoy the benefits of not being so far out, like having a normal water supply, electricity, trash services, and mail services. We could even have a pizza delivered if we wanted!

I’m missing our old house less and less, though I’d still like to have two bathrooms. I hate having to pee really bad when he’s in the shower! Nonetheless, I don’t miss it because we just had so many damn problems and negatives to the house, the land, the state. Being a minority in a place is one thing, being a hated minority is another. Even Tom agrees we never went as long as we have here without problems in both houses we owned. I tell you, it’s because something wants us in the city. It doesn’t quite want me to be a part of anyone’s life, or else Bev would be pestering me for companionship and Jane wouldn’t have moved. It just wants me living with people. So, we might just say, hey, we tried it twice, but rural living didn’t work out, and just stay somewhere in town as long as we don’t have to have others too close to us.

Although I’m not as stressed and depressed as I was in the motels, or even on the mountain, I still feel like I spend too much of my time waiting for things to happen that usually don’t. I should try to live more for the moment and focus on the present, which is all one can do anyway. It’s just hard not to want to jump ahead because as much as I hate to move, I want out of this damn place! I don’t care how cute it is. One thing I’ve learned, though, and that’s that a big fancy house isn’t a top priority. Even if it were cheap, who needs all that extra space to have to clean? Especially when I’m not going to get the millions of dolls I so foolishly thought I’d get to fill up the space.

I was doing good on the diet until today. I was still hungry after having a few small baked potatoes, so I ate a box of macaroni and cheese. A whole box! Yet I was still hungry. That’s when I realized that no one, not even a giant, should be hungry after a whole box of mac, so I must have something else going on that mimics hunger pangs. But what could that possibly be?

Rejection number one should be arriving anytime now. The question is, will I want to submit anything else? Depends on what they have to say, I guess, if they say anything at all. Some publishers say they won’t give reasons for rejections. I hope these people will, though, to give me some idea of what I can improve on, not that that’d necessarily get me anything published in the future if it’s not meant to be. Still, how many stories with lesbian lead characters can they possibly have to choose from?

I don’t know if I’ll be up on New Year’s Eve what with the way my schedule is now, but I’m so glad this year is almost over! What a sucky year it was! Not as bad as 2000 and 2001, but certainly plenty bad enough. Tom and I both agree that this next year couldn’t possibly be as bad. At least we don’t see how it could be. We’ll still be broke and struggling our asses off, but unless one of us ended up paralyzed or burned beyond recognition, it can’t be as bad.

A part of me is still bummed about Jane moving, but again, was a woman that good-looking ever meant to be? She may’ve come on too strong and been a little too high-strung, but she really was pretty good-looking, and I have no doubt that she was attracted to me. Now I’m forever left to wonder, just like with Teddy Bear, what would have happened between us and what would it have been like? Although I have no desire to actively pursue a female sidekick, I still wouldn’t mind one coming to me so long as it was sane and didn’t drink, do drugs or smoke. Anyway, at least I never got the chance to fall in love with Jane, so her absence could never have me crying for 4 months. Still, I’m like, oh Jane, why’d you have to go!