Right now I’m so depressed, frustrated and just feeling lousy in general. The check still hasn’t come and I’m feeling more and more trapped and hopeless. My cold has left me feeling pretty shitty, and I’m having an allergy attack I fear is not related to my cold. This is the third time I’ve had sneezing fits since we’ve been down here. I’m afraid it’s going to get more and more frequent and that I’ll have attacks like I did in Phoenix.

I’m so worried that it will not only be weeks before we get the check but that the money will run out before we can either get a house or a trailer, leaving us stuck here even longer.

It’s times like this that make me wonder if I should bother praying. Perhaps as long as I didn’t cuss God out, the prayers that were granted would’ve been granted anyway. Maybe my prayers had nothing to do with it.

If God really has a “plan” for us, then why does He want us trapped here? It’s obviously important to Him that we be here for some reason, but what is it? It can’t be because I like Michelle, because even if that were entirely mutual, a fling with another woman is the last thing God would ever want for me. He’s never wanted me with another woman, and the idea of sex in general just doesn’t excite me like it does when we’re younger, so that brings me to the only other possible reason I can think of, and it’s not a good one. If I’m right, God is anything but our friend! I hope I’m wrong on this one, but could it be because it’s the last choice on my list? My first choice would obviously be a house. Runner-up to that would be a trailer. Next would be an apartment. An apartment would be noisier than a motel, but we could have our stuff, more space, and not have the hassles of housekeepers. A motel would be my absolute last choice. So is that why we’re here? Is that why we’re really here??? Like I said, I hope not! Yet I can’t help but feel like I’m being punished for trying to chase another dream. Our lives have sucked since coming here, making me have a lot of things I feel sorry about. I’m sorry we didn’t stay in Phoenix, take the security and put up with the freeloader’s shit. I’m sorry Maricopa didn’t work out. I’m sorry Oregon was too cold and that he hated his job.

Tom thinks I only got the two colds I’ve had since being here and the one on the cruise because we were in such confined spaces when he got sick first, then gave it to me. He also thinks the check will come this week and that we’ll get a house, but you know him, always thinks things will work out. But they never do. At least they haven’t yet.

I’m pissed that we can’t even afford to gamble and test out his latest development, but at the same time, I’m not stupid. I know it’s just another tease on us. Everybody’s different, but with me, the longer something’s been a certain way, the more likely it is to stay that way, and well, I’ve struggled financially for most of my adult life, so it’s awfully hard to believe that could ever change.

I worry that God only let me win this money because he knows they’re going to maybe fire Tom, or have some other crises arise that’ll steal most of it before we can get a place. Hell, I’d take the rowdiest tooth house at this point! I’m not allowed to live in peace anyway, so why not? It’s all I know and it’s what’s familiar to me, so I have no problem at this point with living on someone else’s driveway and with their dogs and music if it’s going to get us into a cheaper place with more than one room and all our stuff.

I also worry I’m not going to be able to survive another 40 years or so of poverty and chaos!