Today we lost 60¢ and Nancy’s still blowing us off. Tom says it’s because he made the mistake of playing a track where the horses aren’t as good, and that from now on, he’ll stick to this Florida track he usually plays that’s got really good horses, but I say it is what it is – the thing that doesn’t want us out of this room. The thing that also doesn’t want us getting that check to ensure that we don’t get out of this room.

He says he’s going to call Rhino tomorrow, which he learned is actually a division of Rubbermaid, a huge company. But if they’re so huge, I asked Tom, then why won’t they pay up? Tom says it’s because they’re incompetent. Yeah, but so is 95% of the world. They’re not paying up because God won’t let them because He knows that’d spring us out of here. You don’t curse someone with a schedule problem and keep them from getting money like this if you have their best interests at heart and you want them to succeed.

Tom says Tuesday is the only day they don’t race at the track he normally bets at, but I know things won’t change and that we’ll never get out of this room, let alone get to do the things we want to do in life. I had hoped that the fact that the last 7 months have been so shitty only meant that we’d be compensated with wonderful things to come, just like after I’d have a streak of not winning much would mean I was sitting on a big one and it was only a matter of time. But there’s obviously no compensation to come for this. It would’ve happened by now. We weren’t even in hell this long in Oregon.

I’m starting to look more and more forward to the 5th. I don’t know if I even care about the check all that much anymore for the simple fact that it wouldn’t have changed things. The horses being consistent or a win (that I actually received) of a million dollars would’ve changed things, but 9K won’t. It would’ve sprung us out of here, but after the money was spent on the new vehicle and the place, we would’ve been where we usually are – struggling to make ends meet amongst problem neighbors.

I put some panties and socks that were too snug on the mannequins before we left to stretch them out. I’d say they’re more than stretched out by now. Only thing is I’m never going to see them again or anything else we own. This really hurts, too. There’s so much we wanted to see and do. So I just try to focus on the good in dying. I don’t want to live in poverty with troublesome neighbors for the rest of my life. I don’t want to live to grow old, arthritic, cancerous, etc. And I certainly don’t want to live to see Tom get old and have to suffer either.

I’ll spend our last week mostly reading, immersed in a world of fantasy to keep my mind off of the fact that we’re on death row, then the gambler and the sweeper will both sign off forever.

Incredibly, I had yet a third cold trying to set itself in today, but I’m pretty sure I killed it with hot food and drinks and lots of wishful thinking. I awoke with a sore throat and was like, what the hell?! Why would I suddenly be getting one cold after another after going over a decade without any? Then I remembered that right before I entered the office yesterday to get a long envelope I needed from Michelle, some guy entered and said something about losing his voice. Perhaps he was sick? Either way, I just hope I’ll get to live my last week without being sick or with any ear/tooth pain!