Here it is, day two of coping with the loss of my dad. Though he died on the 24th, I didn’t learn of it till yesterday. My dear mom, as disoriented as she was, kept calling the wrong phone. Our old cell phone which we rarely check and is basically only for if I need to get a hold of Tom in an emergency but can’t use the Magic Jack phone. The MJ runs through the computer which means it would be worthless if there was a power failure.

Mom also kept calling me Tammy, and while she’s still a little out of it, understandably, today she didn’t call me Tammy. She just kept getting Oakland mixed up with Lakeland instead. I called to see how she was holding up. Larry and Tammy weren’t there. She wanted to be alone. She cried on and off along with me as we talked. I feel so damn bad for her! She’s got to be utterly miserable all alone and with the realization and the finalization that comes with knowing her husband of 6 decades simply isn’t coming home this time around from the hospital. I just wish there was more I could do than be a sounding board for her. But she knows and understands that there’s only so much I can do from a distance and doesn’t hold it against me in any way. Funny how all these years I worried about this for nothing. Wish I could suddenly know I was worried for nothing about Tom’s and my own time in the end.

I felt it was okay to ask for some details this time around about the funeral and where it was to be held and all that and she surprised me by saying that there would not only be a service at a veteran’s cemetery in Lakeland, Florida, but that he was cremated. Normally Jews don’t do that but my family isn’t exactly very “Jewish.” Maybe 30 years ago it was, but we’ve always been kind of liberal and seem to get more liberal with time, preferring to do what’s best for us as individuals as opposed to what most Jews might do. Nonetheless, I was still surprised. I always pictured them being buried in Massachusetts and I always dreaded the idea of attending the funeral because I knew that if certain family members I don’t exactly get along with or care to see just looked at me wrong, I may very well have lost it.

I didn’t know this but I was surprised to learn that Andy was also unable to attend his dad’s funeral because of the distance. He was still in Arizona when he died.

“It’s more common than you think,” Tom told me.

“Surprise” is still the word of the weekend, that’s for sure. Even though he was old and his heart’s been bad ever since he had his first heart attack when I was little, the news of his death still hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve been crying on and off. I try to keep busy and keep my mind occupied, but other times I just sit and stare blindly into space. And of course I’ve had to mourn the loss of my father to the tune of barking or keeping the sound machines running thanks to my wonderfully rude and inconsiderate landlord. I can’t wait to get the hell out of here! I don’t know how many more years, or even months, I can take of this shit! Or just being boxed inside such a tiny old place with its lack of plugs, lack of counter space, lack of everything.

Mom said she would send me pictures and some of Dad’s ashes in a week or two. I told her to take her time and asked if she was going to be staying where she was. She said yes, for a while anyway. I just feel so bad for her. The situation makes me gladder to know Tom and I survived our ordeal last fall since we almost beat my dad to the grave. Imagine the double whammy of losing your daughter, then your husband just months later?! That would’ve been just so horrible for her. So if we were saved only for her sake that’s good enough for me.

I feel like I’ve taken one step away from Tammy, and when mom goes I’ll probably take that second step that will bring me completely away from her. I just never could get used to the idea of her being back in my life. It isn’t just that what she did was too big to forgive, but because she’s too damn vindictive. Even she admits how much she loves to screw over those that piss her off, and it’s in a much colder way than anything I’ve ever done. No, this one doesn’t just get you emotionally, she gets you legally as well if she can. She is always suing or siccing the pigs on someone. Piss her off and you’re so damn screwed. I’m not going to say or do anything mean or try to screw her over in the end or anything like that. I’m just going to silently walk away, though I expect to be sought out at first since she will want to know why.

My memory is so screwed up these days that it didn’t hit me until last night that the talk I had with just my dad about him finishing my book was not only on January 10th instead of early this month, but it wasn’t our last chat. I chatted with both of them on February 2nd. Little did I know Dad would be dead in just 22 days. :(

Tom and my friends have been a wonderful support but I’m not sure what’s up with Maliheh. I emailed her about Dad yesterday and didn’t hear back from her until today. She asked what happened, if I was visiting, how I felt, and said she was sorry, but now I’m left hanging once again. Tom doesn’t think she’s playing with me or trying to keep me at a distance for some reason, but it’s awfully hard to believe it’s “not me” like Maliheh has insisted upon. I think our feelings and attraction for each other either aren’t mutual, or they are but she finds it easier to keep me at bay since I’m married and on the other side of the country. That’s what I think. But I admit I could be totally wrong. She is a loner, after all, so maybe she simply doesn’t feel up to writing much.