No soda this week, my ass. sips from Pepsi can I guess not all bad habits were meant to be kicked. burps

Andy got the cash and birthday card I sent him and liked it. He’s treating himself to a delicious dinner, he said, and even got some action twice in one week and has more lined up:)

Okay, I suppose some folks aren’t going to want to hear my take on Whitney Houston because my opinion often differs from the norm and that’s hard for a lot of folks to handle. But tough! I write from the heart whether it’s something most can relate to and agree on or not. :) Really, no offense at all intended, but as I always say, instead of complaining or expecting me to change simply because you may want me to, just don’t read my journal if it bothers you in any way. :) I don’t, however, expect many to complain if anyone at all. I think most folks figured out a long time ago that I’m anything but ordinary.

Anyway, most folks seem to be saddened by the death of Whitney, but I have mixed emotions about it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s always sad when someone dies unless they’re some murdering psycho. But if it’s true that she died of drugs, well, it’s a little hard to feel sorry for someone who had more than enough money with which to seek help. But she chose to die instead. To each their own, I say. It’s your life and your body so you should be the one to decide what to do with it. If you want to party till it kills you, go for it. :)

Regardless of whether or not Whitney had a hand in her own death and chose to stay in an abusive relationship, I never cared for her songs, but she sure had a helluva voice.

The troll is supposedly headed for Iowa on the 21st. Ugh, poor Aly! She’s just a state away and is not liking that idea at all and I don’t blame her even though she shouldn’t know her address. If I don’t know it, and we’re damn good friends, she shouldn’t know it. The best thing I’ve learned is that the guy she’s supposedly staying with, her on-and-off BF, has no Internet service so the troll would have to go to the library to pick on people. He does drive, though, and has 2-3 jobs. How are they going to find time for each other if he’s always working? The fucktard will live at the library for God’s sake!

Last night I dreamed that Aly, Kim, Kathy and I all lived in the same town, though I don’t know what state. I don’t think it was California for some reason. In one dream Kathy owned a small coffee shop. She was wiping down the countertops right at closing time and I was the only other one in the shop. I sat on a stool at the counter chatting with her when she said, “I feel more comfortable with you in here since my honey can’t be here now.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re a fitness freak who’s strong. You also may have a great sense of humor but you have a fierce temper too when pissed.”

I still wasn’t sure why I, a funny but bad-ass bitch of a little prankster devil, made her feel more comfortable. Then she went on to explain that the night before she’d had a dream that she was closing up and she thought she was in the shop alone when the troll popped up from behind the counter. I assured her I’d “wrap her legs around her own neck” if she came in while I was there, LOL.

Alison was in most of the dreams, one of which she looked nothing like she actually does. There were dreams about us attending a writer’s workshop, trying to pry open a closet door in which Tom was stuck behind, then a disturbing one in particular. I had just gotten out of (a hospital?) when I thanked her for holding onto all my stuff until I could find someplace to go. That’s really sweet of her, but all my stuff? And where the hell was Tom during this one?

Fitness freak or not, strong or not, I really wish there was something I could do about this constant hunger that is so annoying and distracting because I still need to lose fat. I was reading tips online about how to suppress hunger and was like, great. So all I have to do is stare at the color blue all day long and sip hot water spiked with lemon? No thanks!

We got the disk with Word for Mac we bought but haven’t loaded it up yet. We’ll install it when we have more time. I still have plenty of days left on the trial anyway so there’s no hurry.

Later…

You either hate me or you love me. Why? Because I dare to be different. Because I dare to speak my mind. So few have ever just liked me. You’re either drawn to me and you admire my blunt and often controversial way of looking at life, or you run disgusted, determined to never again read another thing I write.

I don’t see the world in black and white like most people. I see the gray areas and when I don’t I tend to be rather extreme with my beliefs and opinions, and it’s often not in the realm of the “norm.”

The odds of pre-squirt knocking you up is like winning the lottery, pregnant teens should be forced to abort or adopt out their kids because kids shouldn’t be having kids. Poor countries should be sent birth control, not money, thus sending the wrong message and saying, “Go ahead. Have babies you know damn well you can’t afford. We’ll foot the bill for them.” Terminally ill people should get the same respect animals get, and gays oughta marry. Quality is what matters in parenting and not quantity. The Middle East should be demolished to make the world a little safer, and criminals should get the exact same dose of their own medicine. Welfare bums need to go to work and foreigners need to stop coming here and stealing what’s ours - jobs, housing, etc. People need to quit trying to control others with their own religious beliefs, often completely false and insane anyway, and mind their own damn business. Reverse discrimination needs to stop and children need to be taught manners and respect like they once were years ago.

I was talking with my friend Teri and telling her how I’m so damn sick of being hungry so much of the time that I’m seriously considering giving up and just eating the 1500-2000 calories a day that my body craves to eat. The 1200-1300 required for me to lose weight simply leaves me too hungry and too sluggish. I don’t know where the hell all this hunger is coming from. Is it pressure? I mean 1200-1300 isn’t that low compared to 1000 or lower. Yet it leaves me famished.

The reasons I had struggled to lose weight weren’t because I worried about what people think but because I really don’t like the idea of getting so big that I can’t trim my own toenails, and I’d hate to not be able to wear all the beautiful clothes my parents sent. We also spent hundreds of dollars on fitness equipment. If I let my weight go I would eventually get too big to run, wouldn’t I? It would be quite expensive to get bigger and bigger clothes, though I could always shop at Goodwill.

But enough is getting to be enough! Is it really worth it to go through life depriving myself so much of the time? Yes, I’d be swapping in one form of misery for another, but it would be a different kind of misery. I would look like utter shit and I would have a harder time getting around, but I wouldn’t be hungry anymore. Not sure how I would even walk once I got really huge since I would have such thunderous thighs, but maybe it’s time to find out.

Tom still insists I wouldn’t gain a pound a day for life saying that one needs more and more calories to continue gaining once they reach a certain point. “But what about those chicks who are over 200 pounds?” I asked him. “How many calories a day do they usually have?” He said about 2500-3000. I could never eat that much! Wouldn’t that be kind of expensive anyway? But how high would I go? How high??? I would think I’d hit at least 180-200 pounds if I had 1500-2000 calories a day even with exercise. Again, not something I want to be, but I also don’t want to spend my life hungry just trying to stay 40 pounds overweight since I’m obviously not going to lose. I’m sick of struggling for what isn’t meant to be anyway. I was meant to be big, so yeah, I think I’m about ready to relax and just eat when I’m hungry. Just don’t be too surprised if you’re one of my friends and we meet up somewhere someday and you find that I didn’t just bring myself but also 10 million pounds along with me. And if I break your couch, don’t say I didn’t warn you!:)

Teri had me laughing my ass off when I said I was ready to give up cuz of the hunger and she said that maybe that’s just what I need to do. Besides, tomorrow may never come anyway. LOL, she’s got a point there. Tomorrow almost never came a few times around for me. The last thing I’d want to do is go belly-up at just a hundred and thirty-something pounds. Might as well piss the pallbearers off anyway by having more of me to have to carry. :)

I know Jesse’s going to be noisy today, so rather than wait for his usual engine gunning routine to start up I just threw on the sound machine.

Google really sucks shit these days. On March 1st they’re going to be giving out everybody’s info. After having our Gmail accounts and my blog hacked (the one that was powered by Google), I think it’s safe to say I’ll never use Google again other than maybe their search engine.

Later…

It’s now been two months since Nane dumped me and I have continued to think about her every day. I wonder when I will ever be able to forget her. I’m trying to move on and push her out of my mind, but I am still so, so hurt over the way she so coldly dumped me during one of the worst times of my life. I go back and forth between being angry and wanting to tell her off (not that it would do me a damn bit of good) to missing her and wishing she would be big enough to apologize, accept that no one’s perfect, including me, and just move on as friends. But according to what I’ve read and heard, the hardest words for a person to say are, “I’m sorry,” “I forgive you,” and “I love you.”

In her reasons for which she claimed she dumped me, although she never did use the word “dump,” she said that a virtual friendship could never work and that I was playing games with her and just trying to get attention. That last part is what hurt and pissed me off the most. I needed all the friends and support I could get last fall. I really thought my husband and I weren’t going to make it as that’s how bad things got. Her saying that is like telling someone, “Oh, you’re just messing with me,” while they’re standing over their mother’s grave at their funeral bawling their eyes out. Why in the world would she even think for a millisecond that I would joke around or mess with her on such a serious issue as fearing Tom and I would be backed into a corner and forced to either starve on the streets or kill ourselves? WHY??? Her English is great and she should’ve known me well enough by then. I would never and have never knowingly and intentionally played with one’s head or made up such an atrocity for attention. I’m not only far from attention-starved, but why would anyone in their right mind do that to someone they care about? That’s shit you do to those you don’t care for. But only if you’re the type.

Now, thanks to her, I am afraid to reach out to people. I fear they’ll only insist I’m just “messing” with them.

She also blamed the language differences on us selling things to try to save our asses and I still don’t get that one. I mean, I don’t get where she was so confused and upset and thinking I was just “messing” with her there, too. We simply sold some collectibles and were fortunate enough to get more for them than we thought we could. I would have thought she’d be thrilled to see us pull through in the end after things looked so incredibly bleak for us, but instead of being a true friend by providing a shoulder to cry on when I needed it and cheering for me when I managed to pull through, I got ignored for two solid months, then hit with all this untrue bullshit.

So this is why I have such mixed emotions about Nane. We were so close in the end. As close as two people who never met could’ve gotten, though she did string me along with the attraction thing along the way, making like she was hot for me one minute, then “not into women” the next even though she did say she’d had a one-nighter years ago and liked it. Even so, I have to wonder just how the hell someone who seemed too sweet could do what she did and just throw me away like yesterday’s trash without a care in the world for my feelings and how it may affect me. And how the hell can I still miss her at times after the kind of person she’s proven to be?

Yet I still see her smiling face in my mind’s eye every day. I still like to look at the pictures of her that I’ve downloaded.

“Come back to me!” I cry to myself. Then I remember how she treated me and I just want to - ugh! - I better not put that in print. I wish I were as unforgiving as most people are. Then I could just stay mad at her. If I were mad and only mad, then I probably wouldn’t miss her, right?

But Nane isn’t coming back. Nane is obviously not capable of the words, “I’m sorry.” Nane cannot move on. Nane cannot see that yes, a virtual friendship can work (I can name several others who are proof of that). Nane cannot forgive me for being a pest like I was at times. Nane can’t, won’t, can’t, won’t, can’t, won’t… all Nane can do is live the “good life.” To hell with whom she may hurt along the way.