Spent an hour on the treadmill and of course my piss-happy bladder demanded draining halfway along the way. When I was done I was surprised my feet weren’t sore and I wasn’t tired or hungry. There’s no doubt that the stress of pressuring myself to eat only so much so often had a big hand in all the hunger I was experiencing. It felt so good when I finally did get hungry, to eat until I was full. That meant 345 calories in beer-battered fish filets and 80 calories in sweet corn. I had 90-calorie pizza sticks for dessert. It’ll be warm and sunny today, so ice cream will be in order for later.

Walking 1 minute at 3 MPH burns about 5 calories. Running 1 minute at 5 MPH burns about 12. If I run 2 minutes at 5, then walk the rest of the hour at 3 I’ll burn 300 calories. I like to run really fast for at least a few minutes because the impact helps keep the joints, bone fibers, tendons and ligaments strong.

But why doesn’t my body react like most people say theirs does from certain things like drinking water only? Many people say drinking water helps them lose weight but it has never made a difference for me one way or the other, despite the fact that it is certainly healthier for me.

And why can’t exercise alone make me lose weight? Even Teri said it’s reasonable to lose two pounds a week from working out an hour a day. Only in my dreams could I lose weight from that alone! Maybe with 8 hours a day, but not 1. But exercise does help me keep off lost weight and stay fit and strong. Still, I will gain weight even with exercise if I eat 1500-2000 calories a day consistently.

It isn’t that I can’t lose weight. My body could lose weight just fine if I could only stand the hunger of having just 1200 calories a day, but I just can’t. I could deal with and get used to the fatigue, but never the hunger, though I surely did try for many years. At this age, it’s either hungry or huge and after doing hungry for the last 15 years or so I’m now ready to do huge. Still don’t like the idea of gaining 50-100 pounds, but so be it.

I still wonder if something’s wrong with me. I knew it would get harder with age, but this hard??? Then again, there are an awful lot of people out there who say they can’t lose weight no matter what they do. Could they all be liars?

Another thing that seems to have conveniently overlooked me is that most who eat 1500 calories in a day and burn 300 through exercise say it’s like eating only 1200. For me, though, 1500 calories are 1500 calories, period. There are no cutting corners for me. :(

Work has been steady but with no OT. Tom said he’s learned you can’t buy anything anyone says there. One person said March would be super slow while another said it’s their busiest month.

I kept the sound machines on for most of the day yesterday but I did hear a series of bumps and bangs. Car doors? Something else? I don’t know what it was for sure. I only know that it never ceases to amaze me how much noise can come from outside this one guy’s house. I can’t swear that what I heard was coming from his place, though it usually is, and it sounded close enough to be him. If it wasn’t, then whatever it was sure was loud. The sounds reminded me of car doors or movements from within a building where you live attached to others. I also heard a few barks here and there, of course, and I thank God I’ll be asleep through the weekend antics. Then again I’ll bet it’ll be totally quiet since I’ll be asleep. I was never kidding when I said this “noise curse” seems to be aimed at me and not at us.

Later…

Okay, enough is enough is enough where Maliheh’s concerned! Really, does she think I’m that goddamn stupid? Well, she sure is herself if she hasn’t figured that I can see her absences are getting more and more obvious. This has nothing to do with being sick or having aches and pains. This has nothing to do with work. This has nothing to do with stressing over her mother. She knows it and I know it. It’s me. It’s all about me. She wanted to resolve our past issues, to accept me as her friend, to get to know me - and she did. But now that she’s accomplished her mission, she wants to keep me at bay either because she isn’t into me or she is but finds it easier to deal with it by keeping me at arm’s length. After all, I’m a married woman 3000 miles away.

Does she even read my journal anymore? I guess she does, but either way, now it’s time for me to play her game. I will save the parts of my journal I care to share with her as drafts, but they won’t be sent to her until I hear from her. And not right away either. No, I’m going to make her wait a while before responding to her messages just like she does with me.