When I got up I could barely raise my arms or walk, that’s how stiff my muscles are from the new exercise regimen I started. I ran for 10 minutes straight, then did another 5 about an hour later. I was going to do 5 minutes each hour from there on out, but I simply can’t do anymore today. I’ve got to let the muscles recover first. My legs feel like slabs of cement, but it’s a good feeling. Running super-fast in place works the calves harder than running in motion at normal speed. My arms are sore because I was flapping them up and down as fast as I could to help keep my arms and shoulders pumped up. I’ve been naturally muscular my adult life and while I don’t look like a bodybuilder, I’m the one people look at and say, wow, she’s got some muscle on her, alright, so building them up is the easy part. Especially in the shoulders, biceps, abs and calves. The hard part is speeding up my metabolism and eating fewer calories in order to lose weight. I don’t know that I can even lose any more than I already have.

We got to discussing where the horse testing stands, and so far, a little over $100 would bring a $150 profit every two days, $50 brings a little over $50 every two days, and $20 could actually call for a $10 loss. So it’s best not to start at under $50. The problem is, though, that if no one ever gives the guy a fucking job, we won’t have the money to start making money with in the first place! Talk about a real catch-22.

I do have a few Tonners I wouldn’t mind selling and they should easily bring enough to get started. Your average basic Tonner sells for $60-$70, and your average dressed one for $120-$130. If I put up two basics and one dressed for a ‘buy it now’ price of $149, what idiot wouldn’t go for that? Plus, I’d throw in their stands and an extra Gene outfit I have.

So Tom thought about it and said that due to how confident he feels about it based on the testing, we should be able to just go for it around January 9th, but keep the Tonners and whatever else on reserve to sell if need be. I agree that the testing has been better than ever, and for longer than ever, and while Tom’s going to continue the testing, we can, as he pointed out, change our minds if we want to. We’ve got a couple of weeks to decide. I don’t trust that he’ll get a job by February when our next car insurance payment is due, so we can’t not afford to take a chance, but I think I’d rather sell the dolls first as there’s no guarantee that they will sell for sure. Either way, whenever we get around to testing the program for real, I just hope it works! It has to. We can’t afford for it not to. Especially if no one gives him a job. But despite Tom’s knowledge of racing, programming and numbers, I worry he’s being overconfident and overestimating things. It wouldn’t be the first time or the first time we were teased with money. I want to either have money or just stay forever poor. I hate being jerked around with hope one minute and none the next! It’s still hard to believe we ever will have money. The longer something remains a certain way, the more it’s meant to be that way. Especially if we’ve tried to change the situation time and time again. It isn’t like we’ve never had money before, though. Actually, we have. It’s just that in one case it all went to a very expensive house, and in the other case we weren’t very wise about how it was spent. We spent too much and saved too little. But now that we’ve learned our lesson where money is concerned, I hope we get another chance to do things right!

Jesse didn’t appear to be home yesterday when Tom left and then returned from Safeway. Yet it was pretty quiet, so I’d say Jesse took the dogs with him wherever he went. Even Tom agrees the damn things wouldn’t be that quiet if they were there, and he wasn’t. We also agree that he can’t possibly have any idea what goes on here when he’s gone, but I’ll be sure to enlighten him soon enough.

I got emails from both Jessie and Paula. That’s a definite first! Jessie said she read a little of my story when things were quieter and will read more soon. She also asked how everything else was. Paula just said, “It’s me write me,” in the subject section of the email, but there was nothing in the body. I replied and thanked her for the Christmas card she sent.

Later…

Got a type-written letter from Dad today. It wasn’t very long. It mostly mentioned their health problems. My mother having surgery for breast cancer and to remove 40% of one of her lungs I knew about, as she told me back in the motel. I didn’t know she’d contracted the shingles in the hospital or that Dad had his gallbladder removed. He also partook in an experimental procedure to help with chest pain, but it was a bust.

It's just terrible that they have to go through this! Again, despite anything they’ve done in the past, I’m sorry they have to suffer like this. He says that at their ages it’s to be expected, but is it? I know we go through a lot of shit when we get older, but this much? I’d rather be dead before I went through half of what they’re going through, and I’d already been through more than most people go through by the time I reached 25.

I know I shouldn’t, but I feel a bit guilty and like they’re being punished because I was so upset with them for a while. I know that even as a psychic, it’s not my fault, but I still feel bad. Even though I didn’t understand my influencing ability till a few years ago, and couldn’t possibly know that my anger may’ve had a hand in, not making the things happen but helping them to happen, I still feel bad. They weren’t the greatest parents, but I sure as hell can’t say they were bad enough to deserve to suffer like this.

He also wished us the best and said they hoped everything I wanted would be forthcoming, and you know what? For the first time in decades I’m about to break down in tears, so why don’t I come back and finish this later?