Although I knew my parents weren’t exempt from getting older any more than the rest of us, the idea of them no longer being able to travel or do certain things seems weird. In my mind, I still see the able-bodied, able-minded people I’d always known them to be. But now I’m the one who’s stronger and abler in some ways if not most ways, and that’s kind of strange. I may have ended up learning more things in life because I didn’t have kids which left me open to being exposed to more experiences, but it’s still weird. And it’s sad to think that while they can still do some things and while their minds may still function, they’re basically sitting on death row and waiting for the end.

I thought I could never shed another tear over them even if I wanted to. For the longest time, I felt nothing, not even anger. But that changed as of yesterday.

I won’t be able to help them in the end or go to their funerals because of other family members I don’t get along with, but I am ok with this. Why? Because I know there are others who will take care of them in the end, and I also know that it wouldn’t be them in those coffins, but only the bodies they lived in when they lived as humans. Those bodies will simply be old shells and I cannot see them there. I can and will see them after my own time is up and not before. But I will see them. At least I’m pretty sure that’s what I believe. Of course I’d like them to be younger and healthier again, but I can’t make that happen, and I can’t make things better for them in any way and so I just have to accept that, and I have. So all I can say is that I hope they’ll be able to send me a sign somehow from the other side and let me know they’re ok. Here I go bawling again.

I believe they’re sorry for many of the things they’ve done, and while there may be a part of me that may never be able to fully forgive them, I don’t harbor the anger I used to. As for forgiving Larry, Tammy or Tom’s family, I don’t know. Maybe with an apology, but I just don’t know. An apology wouldn’t change things, but it might help. If Larry apologized for being a hypocrite, if Tammy apologized for paving the way for the blacks to set me up and have me thrown in jail, if Ronnie could get over being mad at me for getting more from Nana and Pa’s house than he wanted me to get, and if Marge apologized for letting us starve in motels while she had nearly a quarter-million dollars just sitting the bank, maybe I could then move on after apologizing for my own wrongdoings, but I don’t see that happening anytime soon. Especially since I don’t think these people believe they did anything wrong in the first place. When we were sitting there hungry in that Oregon motel, I remember saying to Tom, “My God, not even my folks would refuse to help us if they could!” They sure proved me right about that one a few years later. And Marge didn’t just refuse to help us, she used her son, my beloved husband, quite badly till we finally put our foot down and said enough is enough before leaving Arizona! That’s mostly why she left us to suffer on our own; because we were no longer conveniently usable.

In the end, I never expected to make peace with all my enemies and I’m not sure I’d want to. If you don’t like some of the people you’ve had problems with anyway, then what’s the point? We’re better off continuing to go our separate ways.

Anyway, while I’m glad to be updated on their health, even if it’s not good, they didn’t answer my questions about whether or not they’ve seen my journal, read my stories, seen my pictures, or if they want any of those things sent to them. So they’re either checking these things out online or they aren’t interested, which is fine either way. The letter appears to have been printed on an inkjet, so they’ve definitely got a computer of some kind. If I had to guess I’d say no, they’re not reading this journal or my stories, but I don’t have a guess about Webshots. I can see them maybe wanting to check out the pics, but I don’t think they’d be interested in anything I’ve written, but again, that’s ok. I’d never want anyone to feel obligated to read my stuff.

Later…

Kids of today are terrible! Just total monsters from hell. We went to the Laundromat so we could do the comforter and there were like 5 of them running around the place screaming, and of course the parents wouldn’t do shit about it. Does anyone anywhere teach their kids manners and respect anymore? Or is that totally a thing of the past?

The place was kind of scummy and the toilet was chock full of shit, but at least the comforter is clean.

Another thing to drive me crazy was the fucking dogs, but just like yesterday, it seemed to go on for an hour in the morning, from 7:30 - 8:30. I still intend to slip a little note in with the rent payment as I’ve really had enough of this. It was hard to tell if he was home when we left and then returned just a little while ago. He’s been parking his old truck where he usually parks the new one, so maybe the new one is broken or something.

I don’t know what my schedule will be on New Year’s, but I hope I’m up. I not only love to watch the ball go down online, but if the renters are still back there, they’re going to get trigger-happy for sure. We’re out in the country, so I expect a lot of gunshots, but with them being just a few hundred feet away, I’d only get woken up for sure. I hope they’ve finally left, but this would only leave me to worry about what may come in to replace them. You know we’re not usually allowed to have good neighbors.

The dogs just started up again on a new tangent. Oh, God, why do you hate me so much?! What did I do? Why must we put up with shit every single fucking place we move to???

I wonder if the people on the other side of him can hear all the racket. They’re a little further away and it’s hard to say what’s between them, but I would think they could hear some of it, though not as well as we can.