Yesterday Dr. O’s nurse called with both horrible and shocking news. My TSH is 33! I was stunned. Just completely blown away. I really thought I would be between 10-16. T4 dropped to 0.8. It’s almost like the Liothyronine was not only worthless but made the Levothyroxine worthless as well. So instead of it sending a message to my pit gland to shut the fuck up, it might as well have said, “Scream as loud as you can!”

I practically broke down in tears on the phone with the nurse but she was very patient and understanding as I filled her in more on all I’ve been through over the last 4 years. Dr. O wants me to either give the Liothyronine/50s more time or go back to 75s. I decided to go back to 75s since it’s easier to take one pill and since those at least work. 75s can bring my TSH down to single digits. With the other stuff, I might as well be unmedicated. It was either worthless or my thyroid has diminished even more and to the point that I may not be in the 30s unmedicated but even higher. But yeah, 33 is just one point above where I started nearly 5 years ago. So I’m back to square one. Back to the beginning of 2014, only with horrible anxiety and now depression as well.

With my anxiety being sporadic and my lab results being shitty, this is starting to disprove my medication theory. Unless there’s something about the medication itself, regardless of dose and lab numbers, which the nurse says there isn’t that she knows of and that it’s just a natural hormonal replacement your body needs anyway, it’s now looking like perimenopause really is the main culprit. So unless there’s something else going on with me or I’ve literally lost my fucking mind, that seems the most reasonable assumption. Oh, how I wish I could know for sure! If I could know that that’s all it was and that it would taper off eventually, that right there would be a huge relief to me. But I still can’t know this for sure. I can only assume and hope.

We now believe that skipping as I did may have actually made things worse because as the nurse pointed out, being low on thyroid can cause anxiety as well. Not sure why I didn’t have this problem when I was first diagnosed but I’m guessing it’s because I wasn’t in perimenopause yet. I was just on the edge of starting with that. Since being raced awake by my heart has stopped, I don’t wake up a million times anymore, the butterflies in the stomach eventually stopped, and most of the hot flashes have stopped, I’m hoping this will run its course soon too, and leave me the fuck alone. The absolute worst feeling I’ve ever felt in all my just about 53 years. Now, it’s a no-brainer that the problems I had when I first started 75s and then when she tried me on 88s were due to the medication but this is smacking more of peri. A PBer/friend has the same feeling and is close to my age.

We’re going to be setting up a site with video doctors on my computer in case of an emergency when I’m alone. Unfortunately, it costs up to $49, but it might make me feel better psychologically if I knew it was available in case of an all-out anxiety attack when alone.

Forcing myself not to skip the meds when the anxiety escalates is going to be tough. But Tom’s now thinking that skipping may have been a bad thing and that I only felt better when I skipped because it had a placebo effect on me of sorts. But there was one day that I skipped and I actually didn’t feel calm at all. The anxiety was mild but I do remember being surprised to feel even mild anxiety that day. And when I was scared off the meds in August of 2014 before restarting 3 months later, I still had some anxiety. But this particular type is different. I’ve had it since December of 2016. If I’ve had it all along, then other symptoms have been masking it like back when I was much worse overall.

The nasty hypo symptoms I’ve been having now make sense. My skin has been dry, I’ve been retaining water, my weight is up a couple of pounds, I get cold as hell, etc. The brain fog has been incredibly annoying. I’m forgetting things like crazy, I can’t think straight, I can’t concentrate, and sometimes I can’t even get my voice to cooperate with my mind. I think to tell Alexa to set the temp at 68° before bed yet I keep telling her 60°.

I could kick myself for taking that PBer’s advice about the Liothyronine. On the other hand, it was good to try it but it’s definitely not for me. Other than with Aly, never again will I discuss health issues publicly.

Taking 75s every day no matter what is a scary thought but I did have anxiety when I first started the new medication combo for the first week, didn’t skip, and then it backed off for 10 days before it returned. So again, the fact that it’s been sporadic does point away from the medication.

The anxiety isn’t going away (at least not soon) regardless of its cause. Therefore I really have to do what I can to get it treated and keep it from coming on in the first place or kill it when it does. So far, out of the dozens of things I’ve tried, I just can’t kill this kind of chest anxiety. The butterflies in the stomach were killable with tapping but this has been a real bear. The question is what the hell can I take to keep this beast at bay? What can I take that doesn’t have side effects and that doesn’t eventually stop working?

The nurse also said she would make a note for the doctor and let her know that I didn’t take any medication the morning of the lab. Had I known I was going to be asked to go to the lab, I would have taken it. So there would have been about 18 hours between my last dose and the labs.

Dr. O and her nurse didn’t say anything about canceling our December 17th appointment, so I guess I’ll keep it. Will see her 6 hours after Dr. A. Anytime after next week, I can go to the lab for my yearly blood work for Dr. A. I’m dreading it too, since lower thyroid usually means higher cholesterol and it’s going to take 6 weeks or so to really get my numbers back to where they’re considered safer. Can’t stick with these numbers, though. Too much risk of goiters, strokes, heart attacks and so many other annoying and potentially dangerous symptoms if I didn’t slip into a coma first.

Tired of having to pay for everything, too! So much is on us now and we’re not going to get ahead this way. As I said, I’m in a bit of a catch-22. I want to do what I can to get whatever relief I can get but we don’t have an unlimited amount of time and money. Plus my CRD still makes things hard.

Anyway, I think I documented all the important details. Now it’s just a matter of bravely taking the medication every day and trying for once and for all to figure out what can be done to combat this anxiety. I’ve read so many articles on perimenopausal anxiety and they all say you don’t have to put up with it. Really? Could have fooled me!

So while I sit here wishing I could rip my thyroid, pit and adrenaline glands out and shove them down the garbage disposal since I just can’t get anything that will just kill me, I got up at midnight, stepped into the bathroom and thought wow, it is amazingly dead quiet in here! At this time of year, especially at night, you can hear the freeway in there quite well, but thanks to the holiday, it’s quiet. I’m sure we’ll still have our share of loud vehicles and door-slamming to listen to today because if you’re a neighbor of mine, then of course you can’t go somewhere else for once. Everybody’s got to come to you. rolls eyes

Here comes that loud car. Yeah, I knew you’d be around today, you cock.

We replaced some of Butterboy’s water but we’re otherwise having a lazy Thanksgiving, hanging out together yet doing our own things. I listened to my book, surfed the web, polished my nails in 5 different shades of pink, and my toenails midnight blue.