Here I go again wishing I could be up in the daytime and getting on a schedule. It gets screwier and screwier. It sure would be nice to do what most people can do and keel over and pass out asleep at any time. Right now I’m incredibly bored and feeling like a caged animal again. One side of me is saying, come on, God, give me a break. I don’t want to be bored and miserable. I don’t want to settle. I want to have and do the things I want. The reality side is saying, you’ll never have or do anything you really want badly. Therefore, you can either settle for second best or commit suicide.

I hate reality. I always get the same results and I know I always will. That’s why I gave up the fight. Trying’s not worth it. No matter if it’s music-related or women-related it’s the same thing. Thinking negative and not trying = getting nowhere, and thinking positive and trying = getting nowhere.

So anyway, to finally write about Northampton crisis center and Maliheh. That night I lost it, Kim took me to the crisis center to talk. At the same time, I was so stressed out that I didn’t give a shit what they were gonna do with me. Now, looking back at that night, I was lucky they ever let me walk out the door. I guess I am shocked they more or less never “kidnapped” me for a few days with all the not-so-nice thoughts I was having. Even they said how they felt I was suicidal before I got into discussing why I was feeling like shit since I moved. How I’m going through a period of reality being thrown in my face. How I’m going through the different stages of waking up and smelling the coffee. How some people need a little time to adjust to settling for second best and some know they’ll never accept or adjust to it.

When I arrived at the center, I spoke with a big, ugly, scary-looking woman named Latonya. I had only spoken to her once over the phone and only for two seconds as it was change of shift. Two other people whom I’ve spoken to over the phone were there too, named Nancy and Fran. They’re quite nice, Nancy and Fran. However, I could see Latonya was gonna be very insensitive and not easy to talk to or very understanding. Sure enough, she seemed burdened by me, kept interrupting me and changing the subject. Also, she’d ask the same damn questions over and over. I don’t know if the lady had a garbage disposal for a memory or what. I think she wasn’t too rounded herself at that moment. At one point I was told she didn’t want to be there and that they were there cuz of me. I told her to knock it off, don’t give me that crap and try to put a guilt trip on me as they’re a 24-hour service operating with or without me.

She also told me how she was gonna call the psychologist at court to tell them I showed no remorse and I told her that if she wanted to stick her nose where it didn’t belong, go ahead. I have no pity for Maliheh. Or anyone else like Maliheh. Just as I’d had it with the head games, realized I’d been made to feel worse rather than any better, warned her not to step out of line or I’d go to her supervisors, the most shocking yet funny thing happened. Yup. This was the winner of the night.

She came out and told me how according to Springfield, I’d been involved with the homicide of my father! You should’ve seen the look on Kim’s face. I told her my father was alive and well and living in Florida and how he came to visit last spring and that it certainly wasn’t his ghost. Apparently, someone else’s files got mixed into mine, so that was the final straw and I left. All they could’ve done was calm me down anyway, not give me what I want and need. Yet they didn’t calm me down. I felt worse.

Both Tammy and I had left Latonya messages so we could offer her a piece of our minds but she never called us back. Obviously, she has a guilty conscience. People like that, especially in that field tend to irk you, but at the same time, the lies and exaggerations can be quite amusing. They take things so seriously, too. Also, they ignore important things you feel. Certain issues are so stupid as far as you’re concerned. Then when you get to the important issues, they steer you away from them.