I’m going to make this as quick as I can because I’m exhausted. I usually sleep better after an appointment because I’m relieved to have it done and over with, but I woke up a few times after sleeping less than six hours. The last time I woke up was due to a lower backache because my mattress is beginning to sag. I have a strong core since I work out regularly, so when my mattress gets my back aching, I know it’s time for an upgrade. I will describe the new mattress I’m getting another time.

While my cholesterol is still bad, I saw Doc A yesterday and she’s thrilled that my thyroid is better. So am I, but I’m also worried despite her assurances. I’m pleased with the weight loss just as much as she is, since losing weight helps with everything overall, as she said. Yet while this should be exciting, I still worry that my numbers are going to end up in a place that could leave me horribly anxious. It really, REALLY sucks to have to spend the rest of my life on a drug that has the potential to make me feel worse than I could ever imagine possible. But that’s just the way it is. After what happened I’m going to have this hanging over my head for as long as I live.

While I have been calmer overall this year, my anxiety is borderline right now, and of course I’m asking myself… is it just because I’m worried? Or are the meds affecting me even though my numbers don’t currently say they should be?

I think I’m just worried about those “what ifs.” I’m not always very good at telling myself not to worry unless something goes wrong. For now, I’m just trying to take it one step at a time and am applying Stacey’s emotional tapping regimen when I feel like I might be getting anxious. My HR is in the 90s and while that’s better than the triple digits, I like it best when it’s a comfortable 80-something. The 90s are more normal for me, though, like it or not. I just worry about my numbers getting too low, or any additional weight loss affecting that and how I feel.

My body is definitely acting like it once again has a metabolism. I don’t gain as much after eating, and the weight doesn’t hang on hour after hour afterward. Like I said, where this should be thrilling, it’s a little scary. Maybe a part of me also got used to being fat for so long. Despite the fact that obesity does run in my family, I never would have gotten fat had it not been for my thyroid. I’m simply not naturally heavy, though I have been heavy for years now. Before this, I spent most of my life average or underweight, though I did have a fat spell in my late teens due to a medication I was on.

The question is whether or not Stacey’s tricks would be as magical if I ever got as bad as I was when my endo tried me on 88’s. When something is medically induced it’s a lot harder to fight. Internal sources, as opposed to external sources, are always tougher. I would take the stress of worrying about money any day over health issues. Right now I’m just very thankful to be doing better and that my husband is, as he himself put it, “remarkably healthy.” He is obese and he does have high blood pressure, but he is otherwise healthy and determined to lose weight along with me. Fortunately for me, I don’t even have 30 pounds to go.

I’m glad I stuck with Doc A. The more I see her, the more I like her and feel comfortable with her as I get to know her and she gets to know and understand me. She’s a very sweet person.

She listened to my heart, lungs, and checked to make sure my ankles weren’t swollen. She didn’t pressure me at all about statins. I guess she wants to see the results of the stress test first. This is the only test I feel confident about, too.

For now, she’s going to test my thyroid again in March, but I won’t see her again until June, at which time I’ll have a full panel of blood work done as they do every year.

She refilled my inhaler even though I only had to use it once. Just because I don’t smoke doesn’t mean I can’t have an attack, and I feel comfortable having an inhaler available. I have had a few attacks since quitting smoking in 1997.

She also refilled that cream that my first doctor gave me for feminine itching.

I definitely feel more comfortable with her checking my thyroid regularly because the numbers simply aren’t etched in stone. They really can and do change. I just never thought my TSH would get this low on this dose.

For now, I guess I just keep eating healthy, keep active, continue losing weight, and hope for the best.

It’s kind of funny how it’s a known fact that obesity poses health risks, yet all four of the nurses and office workers I saw were obese. Not just a little overweight like me, but seriously obese. Guess that’s just the US for you.

The thing I look forward to most about losing weight isn’t appearance or health benefits, but mobility. Everything’s harder when you’re heavy, and I miss having a broader range of motion. I’m still fairly flexible, but not like I used to be and not like I could be if I dropped some weight.

Despite the fact that I will always have an underlying fear of medication in general, I was brave enough to let them give me a flu shot. Unfortunately, it’s only good for three months, yet flu season goes till June. I rarely get colds and flu, though, so I’m not worried.

So much for this being a quick entry, but I’m going to sign off for now.