I can’t believe someone threw a beer can on the side of our lot. This is the last place I would have expected that in a gated, upscale adult community, seemingly the runner-up luxury park in the area. There were even a few sips of beer left in it. I dumped it out and threw the can in the recycle bin.

It’s SO damn cold out there! Again I think I’ll work out indoors. Maybe I’ll just do that until February or March. LOL

Anyway, I didn’t have any anxiety yesterday and I had almost no lung tightness. No hot flashes either, though I did wake up warm a few times. Anxiety is still mostly at bay, but I don’t feel as calm as yesterday.

The sore throat I had yesterday is gone, but my nasal allergies are still acting up. It’s going to take a few days for my nasal spray to kick in. It’s not one of those as-needed things.

I was surprised to see that they did check my estrogen during my last round of lab work, as well as a CK test. First I thought this was something that was related to hormones, but according to our research, it checks to see if you’ve had a heart attack in the past. The numbers are up just a little bit, but nowhere near being worrisome.

We were looking up reference ranges for estrogen, and because different regions measure differently, we can only guess that yes, my estrogen is down since last August.

Later…

Stacey should get my letter today. I’m guessing it would be delivered anytime between something like 9:30 - 3:30. The question is when will she actually read it? She might not read it until she gets home, but my guess is that it will be read before she goes to bed.

There’s a tiny part of me that wishes she would call about it and even feel a little bad about it, but this is still more to get it off my chest than to upset her. I think if she feels anything at all she would be a little pissed. But contrary to Arizona’s beliefs, I have just as much right to express myself as anyone else, and I did it in a decent and legal way.

My guess is she’ll just file or toss the letter and I’ll never hear from her again, but at least I will have made myself heard to her, so I can move on without feeling like there’s any “unfinished business” between us.

I don’t know if the confidentiality laws extend to mail, but I would think that unless there were any threats, it would, not that I really care if she shares the letter with anyone. I would, however, prefer that none of my other doctors know about it. If Doc A asks me to elaborate on why I stopped seeing Stacey, I’ll tell her. Otherwise, it’s no one else’s business and I think it should be kept between Stacey and I.

In last night’s dream, I was sitting in the waiting room where a pharmacy was nearby. I sat next to a black guy and there were maybe about 10 people in the room.

The pharmacist, an older white guy, called me up to question me about my insurance or something like that.

I jumped up without taking my purse and told him to hang on while I grabbed my purse because I didn’t want anybody to snatch it. So I got the purse and returned to the counter where I had to squeeze in front of two ladies that were now present.

A large white woman started to complain about how I muscled around her, but I just ignored her.

Then I was complementing these colorful designs on a young woman’s shirt, which seemed to change at random. I asked how the design changed and the woman wearing it said that she was the one that changed the designs.

Then I made some ridiculous comments like, “Wouldn’t it be funny if it was used as toilet paper?”

Later…

I was just sitting here thinking about how great Stacey looked the last time I saw her. I never saw her look so good. Pretty sure she never wore that much makeup before. I might have seen her with mascara before, I’m almost positive I never saw lipstick on her before except for in her medical photo. I can’t help but wonder if she took extra care of making herself up for me. Maybe on some subconscious level, she wanted to really show me what I could never have, even for just a friend.

She should have read my letter by now. I’ve read it myself several times and I wonder if maybe it sounds a little too cold. Oh well. What’s done is done.

I found it a little ironic that I got a missed call which I traced to an individual named Lisa in San Francisco. Funny too, because she has a sister named Lisa in San Francisco. Wrong last name, though, unless she recently married.

I was also remembering how Andy once said that there had been some people he thought would make great roommates until he got to know them a little better and realized that no, they wouldn’t. I can kind of relate. I mean I get what he’s saying. It was easy to think that Stacey would be easy to live with and how she was oh so easy-going and all that, but now I think that she might actually be a bit pushy and judgmental about some things. I totally and honestly believe that Tom is the only man in the United States willing to support his wife. I don’t think anyone else out there could love anyone enough to accept and support my kind of sleep disorder and driving phobia, especially the sleep disorder, since that’s what’s essentially keeping me from working outside of the house. Maybe we really do have guardian angels of sorts, and maybe we’re really not given more than we can handle, because if it weren’t for Tom, what would I have done when they kicked me off the disability over 20 years ago? Now that’s an incredibly scary thought.