Yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day, and today is starting off amazingly blissfully calm after sleeping better than I thought I would. Would I have felt this way without the Estroven? Or is the Estroven finally helping? I guess I may not know for a while… unless the anxiety kicks up sometime later on.

The better I feel, the more my appetite picks up. Last night I ate the house down while Netflixing. I’ve already gained back a pound so I’ve got to be careful. Still in training when I can be. Loving the muscle I see, but hating the craters. Again, shitty genetics. I had traces of them even when I was young and very skinny. Despite my flaws, my legs are now looking the best they’ve looked in their 51 years of life. Still have a good 20 pounds or so to lose, and that idea is still a little scary because of how my meds may affect me.

Meanwhile, I made the appointment I shouldn’t have canceled with the shrink, but unfortunately I’m on a waiting list and won’t be able to see her for nearly half a year. I was told that if I can get in sooner than May 25th, they’ll let me know. Why so damn long, though? Is there a shortage of psychiatrists, or are there that many anxious people around?

I updated my PCP about that, canceling Stacey, and starting Estroven. I asked her to let me know if there’s anything else she wants me to do in the meantime.

So now Stacey can sit and wonder why I canceled until tomorrow or the next day when she gets my letter.

Rachel (vigilante) said I should write the letter but not send it. They thought I should tell her directly and that dialogue would be good for us. Well, we had our “dialogue.” It’s just that after our last appointment I had time to reflect on things we discussed during that session, and then I decided to write the letter so that if I worded anything wrong I had a chance to edit it. Now we’re done with each other and it’s time to move on… even after the slightly worrisome dream I had last night.

In the dream, I woke up to tell Tom about a manuscript that the old lady in Texas sent me that I was all excited about, but instead there was some strange guy sitting in the living room. The only words I remember him saying were “police department” and “didn’t you know you were supposed to…”

The dream seemed like it might have taken place in the Phoenix house, and even though I immediately suspected Stacey was behind it, I played dumb all the way.

I didn’t write anything even remotely against the law, and I highly doubt anything up there would allow me to be screwed over by someone in which I knew their location. It’s always been people of authority or with a hold on me or that I didn’t know where they were that have coincidentally been given the privilege of fucking me over.

I’ve also been told that Xanax is addicting and often abused and that I should go with Buspar. They said it was safer and not habit-forming. I guess everybody is different because others say Xanax is helpful and non-addicting. For now, there’s nothing I can really do but hope the Estroven will help, and take a lorazepam as needed.

I agree with Cassie that melatonin likely induced the nightmares I had a couple of nights ago. That and Claritin D have been known to trigger nightmares.

I had another dream where I appeared to be very thin, might have been yelling at my PCP, and wrote in my blog that I needed less sleep than I did 20 years ago. I think there might be a grain of truth to that last one.

Anyway, my only complaint so far today is that I have a sore throat. I almost feel like I have a cold. Now wouldn’t that be just a real ray of fucking sunshine as opposed to anxiety? If it is a cold, my body will likely kill it by the end of the day. Remember, it kills things it’s not supposed to kill.