For the first time in years, I laid in bed yesterday morning with my phone nearby actually praying to God or anything that might listen for Stacey to please, please hurry up and call. My anxiety wasn’t the worst in that my heart wasn’t racing, but I still felt anxious enough. I remembered that the last time she called me to reschedule an appointment was around 9:30. I was hoping she’d check her messages as soon as she got to her office at 8:00, and call me before her first appointment of the day which I think starts at 8:30.

By 9:15 I was worried she might be on vacation but had forgotten to update her outgoing message, even though this seemed unlikely. And then… my ringtone was literally like music to my ears. I was so relieved she called!

She started off with something like, “Hi Jodi, this is Stacey A call—”

“Oh, thank God!” I cut her off with, and she laughed. So we spoke for a while and that alone made me feel SO much better. Although it’s with mixed emotions, I’ll be seeing her in just 2 days. I’m amazed she got me in THAT fast, but seriously appreciative. My anxiety has been like a regular little yo-yo and it’s getting old.

Part of me wishes I had our conversation recorded so I could replay it to see if I still perceive her tone of voice the same as I remember it to be. Did she really sound “unchanged?” Did she really seem happy to hear from me?

It’s just that I can’t help but remember that counselor from back east – Debbie, I think her name was – who gave me mixed signals before she dumped me. She and Stacey may be two different people, but I hope she doesn’t change, so to speak. I just have to be careful what I say and how often. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.

When I first started with, “Oh, thank God,” I didn’t expect her to laugh. I thought she would have that lower-pitched, professional voice she started off with and kind of give an “oh,” of sorts that almost sounds like a grunt or a snort, then ask what was up.

My quick chat with Stacey got me feeling so much better that I was so wound up that I was unable to sleep, so I took lorazepam so I wouldn’t lay there forever. I feel better but still not good. I’m also still mostly sure that it’s the perimenopause and not my medication, but there’s still a tiny part of me that worries and it is, or that I somehow developed a freak anxiety disorder that I’m stuck with for life. Although I haven’t had the kind of mindfuckers the higher dosage gave me, I am having tightness on and off, which can also be a symptom of perimenopause. Again, it’s hard to distinguish when different things mimic the same symptoms. I turn the big air cleaner up which I sometimes forget to do. It’s just been way too cold to air the place out.

She was so funny because she kinda spoke in a way that sounded both goofy and cheery yet she wasn’t without empathy and understanding for what I was going through. If making the appointment can make me feel so much better, imagine how much better the actual appointment will make me feel. And yeah, I’m going to ask if she can keep me on as a regular for a while. I can’t even keep my ass out of Anxiety Land for a year.

The rest of the conversation went something like this:

Me: I was doing so well for so long.

Her: Oh, great.

Me: The plan was to call you in a couple of months, but first my sister had a heart attack.

Her: Oh, vey.

Me: She did survive and they put stents in her arteries, but the whole thing is scary. They’re going to do a stress test on me, and even though I think I’m still heart-healthy, I worry about this.

Her: Ayayay.

Me: One of my rats died…

Her: Aw.

Me: Things were going so well. I went vegan and lost a noticeable amount of weight.

Her: Wow!

Me: But then my anxiety came back and just when I thought I signed out of Bleederville for good after 3.5 months without a period, I get slammed full force with one. I asked a cyber friend who’s been through it if the anxiety can take a few months off and then return, and she said it could.

Her: Yeah, it can.

Me: Sometimes I even end up crying over nothing and everything. Tom suggested I call you a few days ago, and I wanted to but was afraid you would be disappointed in me.

Her: Oh no, anybody’s anxiety can return.

(Even though perhaps I shouldn’t, I still feel like a wimp. I’m just surprised and disappointed with this setback)

Her: Would you like to come in this week?

Me: Definitely. I could hug you for that.

Her: (a laugh?)

Me: I’ve missed you and I’ve thought of you every day, but this is not what I wanted. Despite the mixed emotions, I look forward to seeing you.

The only thing that struck me as odd was that she asked for my DOB. Again, if she likes me, wouldn’t she be curious to know this and have looked it up a long time ago?

Shortly after I hung up with Stacey, her secretary called to bump me up to 9:30, saying she would be out of the office at 8:30, which was when she scheduled me. 9:30 will be fine. It still gives us time between my stress test, which will be at 2:30.

Why did she schedule me at 8:30 if she knew she would be out of the office, and how come it wasn’t her who called back to reschedule?

I slept 9.5 hours and surprisingly I’m still a little out of it today. Maybe that’s because I’m still bleeding like a faucet. I’m also having a horrible time focusing. Concentration is usually a challenge for me because of my ADD, but it seems worse. My mind is racing like crazy. I’m excited to see Stacey, but I’m worried for myself.

Later…

Had to stop writing because I started feeling shitty. My lungs became tight, I was going from hot to cold, anxious, trembling, weak, and then I had a crying fit, prayed to God for whatever it was worth, and then all of a sudden I was fine. At this moment – in this very moment that I write these words – I actually feel normal. Tired but normal. I know it won’t last long, and I doubt prayer had anything to do with it, but I have noticed a pattern. I seem to feel best toward the end of my day. So what am I going to do from now on… suffer the first 10-12 hours of my day before I get a few hours of relief?

How I still wish I could wind back the hands of time to before this ever started and before I had any idea it was possible to even feel this way! How I wish I had more straightforward problems if I had to have them! Earaches… toothaches… colds… all so simple compared to this. There’s no mystery involved with those things, and you can usually see an end in sight.

I was reading back on past problems from years ago that seemed like the end of the world at the time. Yet I hadn’t seen anything yet. The real suffering had yet to begin.

I turned the large air cleaner up in the living room, hoping it would help my lungs. I can’t believe it could be that effective this fast, but I really should leave it on high more often. It’s just that I like to enjoy the peace of the night when I’m on nights.

In last night’s dream, I was in some house somewhere and it seemed like my MIL and SIL might have been there. They appeared to be upset with me and were giving me the cold shoulder. I couldn’t figure out why.

I went into a bedroom and started making a bed that was mine with floral sheets. Then I proceeded to head into the bathroom.

“Someone’s in here,” my MIL said, and I quickly backed out of the room.