My visit with Stacey was awful, I didn’t get the chance to tell her a lot of what I wanted to tell her, and for the first time ever I left there feeling disappointed, confused, stunned and a little angry. Yeah, that inevitable “change” has finally occurred. It’s like a third personality emerged or something, and she’s the last person I would ever have expected to turn out the way she has. I don’t know if I want to keep our January appt. The trust has been shaken and I’m not sure she can help me any more than she already has since we both agree this is likely physiological. So much so that I finally got desperate enough to try Estroven. I just felt too lousy to care about possible side effects.

Stacey herself recommended black cohosh and evening primrose. She said something about a gynecological procedure (I don’t remember what she called it) she had a decade ago that stopped her periods, but that she has experienced panic attacks and she’s still getting hot flashes at times, even at 58 years of age. Not knowing how many more years of suffering I could be in for, I decided on the Estroven that Tammy said she took after her hysterectomy. This is supposed to help with many symptoms but can take a couple of months to really take effect if it’s going to help.

The pharmacist said it could be taken with levothyroxine, just not at the same time, of course.

Anyway, the Stacey I saw yesterday is definitely not the Stacey I saw last summer. I totally see her in a different light now, and I wonder if the Stacey I looked up to and admired really is who I thought she was. Maybe she has some issues of her own?

I noticed as soon as she led me to her office that she seemed different. Her tone of voice. Her mannerisms. Even her office was different.

I asked if she noticed the difference in my weight loss and she shook her head no and she shut the door.

The feeling deepened.

Nonetheless, I took a seat in my usual place, and this time she sat at her desk and occasionally took notes. This was a good thing too, because one of my lesser complaints is her not remembering half the shit I tell her. I get that she has a lot of patients and can’t remember everything everyone tells her, but it’s still frustrating having to repeat myself so much. I almost feel like I’m dealing with Andy all over again.

I told her that I was both disappointed and excited to see her, and I admitted that I developed a crush of sorts on her.

“Well, you kind of told me,” she said.

She looked the best I’d ever seen her look. I usually prefer straight hair to curly hair. She usually straightens her hair, but this time it was both longer and curly and looked fabulous. She had more makeup on than usual which hid some of her plainness. Between this and that great body, she looked fantastic. She usually dresses in black or blue. This time it was blue, and when I told her she told me her favorite color was blue in a dream, she did admit that blue was a color she’d been liking lately.

I asked her if I had shown up in any of her dreams, and she said she didn’t remember her dreams. This is inconsistent with her telling me that she’s had dream premonitions. Maybe she just has dream premonitions occasionally?

She told me that my crush didn’t bother her but that she was concerned for me because she didn’t know if it would make working with her easier or harder. As I told her, it shouldn’t make any difference. If someone can help me and be beneficial to me in any way, then it doesn’t matter what they look like.

Then I asked her if she ever would have called me if I hadn’t called her, and she said no because it wasn’t something they (therapists) did. This confirmed my feeling that something was up. Something had changed.

“Can I ask you something?” I said.

She nodded.

“The last time I saw you you seemed happy when I gave you my contact info (I left out the part about where she said she didn’t want me to get the wrong idea when she told me she didn’t read my blog because that’s just not something she did, but it will be in the letter I plan to either give or send her). Why?”

She appeared caught off guard at first and a little put on the spot as she searched her mind for an answer. A few seconds later she said something to the effect of, “Well, I thought it through. I just thought it was nice of you to share. It was done in a way where I didn’t feel spied on or followed.”

This answer makes no sense. Why would you feel “spied” on or “followed” because somebody gives you their contact info? I wonder if she has some way of knowing I’ve looked in on her, though I don’t see how. I did admit that I was curious enough to Google her, as people do all the time with whoever, and that I did know a lot about her.

“It’s pretty easy to do these days,” she said in a tone that suggested I wasn’t smarter than anyone else by coming up with that idea or any magical info that others couldn’t find if they really wanted to.

Then she said something about how the last time I left I gave her every impression that that would be it and she only called me because I asked her to, which is true, and I appreciate it. What I don’t appreciate is the sudden change in her, but I still swear by what I saw. She gave me every indication that she liked me just as much as I liked her. The body language was there, the things she said, the way she said them, etc. I couldn’t be that bad at reading people all of a sudden.

It’s like there are three Staceys. There’s the first one who was quiet, easygoing and professional. There’s the second one that was bordering on flirtatious, or at least suggesting that my fondness for her was welcome and mutual. And then there’s this third one… distant, cold, telling me I’m never going to get the “outcome” I want.

But that’s just the thing. I never had any expected plan or outcome, though I did have hopes. I didn’t really think we would be lovers or friends, but I had hoped for at least some ongoing phone or digital communication either between appointments or after I finally managed to pull my ass out of Anxiety Land for more than five minutes. She gave me every indication to think that that’s what would have happened by her reaction when I gave her my contact info. That we would keep in touch.

I’m 51 years old and I still don’t know better. Yes, I blame myself just as much as I blame her for the mixed signals. I really would have appreciated it if she had just told me she couldn’t call me when I gave her my contact info. Would that really have been so hard? This is why I hesitate to have friends.

Maybe she really did feel something (I still stand by what I saw/heard), but then it scared her once she realized things could end up going too far, at least in her mind.

All I know is that her behavior is weird and I think it borders on inappropriate. On the flip side, I still think she’s a fantastic counselor. I think the EMDR has prevented me from having additional panic attacks, and sometimes the tapping still helps, too.

She got a kick out of how well-worded my description was of my old life versus this life where I wondered how my life got so bad when I was poor, and how I now wonder how it got so bad without being bad.

She asked if I thought I ended my sessions too soon, if I thought the past poverty was haunting me or my childhood, and I honestly don’t know, though I doubt it. I told her I did have a strange memory that could really be just a dream that I’m remembering, and asked if she worked on memory recall and how you could know if the memory was real or not. She said something like, “You don’t always know, but I’m pretty intuitive.”

She told me she thinks I had a horrible mother but that my problem is mostly physiological, and I asked her if she thought there could be anything else going on. She said she doesn’t know.

My guess is that there probably isn’t.

What else… her sister’s also going through menopause, being home alone so much can’t be good for me, Florida might be good for me, traveling might be good for me, etc.

I’ve got to learn from now on that no matter how obvious someone’s attraction/fondness for me appears, it doesn’t actually mean anything and I need to just ignore it. Why have I gotten this kind of shit from women for so long? Act like they like me and want to keep in touch, then become a totally different person to the point that you would never guess that they acted that way. If you don’t want to keep in touch with someone then why act like you do?

Our meeting might explain the plane crash I survived in my dreams the night before. We took off somewhere, then all of a sudden things got oddly quiet and we crashed into a shallow body of water. No one was hurt and I didn’t even seem all that scared.

In other words, she’ll let me down but I’ll survive?

I also swear I had another negative dream about her right before I saw her, but I’m not sure what it was about.

I came home depressed and tired and unsure if I should bother seeing her again. I have an appointment scheduled for January 4th. I have drafted a letter containing my thoughts to her, which as I told her, I chose to write so that I can edit it in a way I think is most understandable. I went over and over in my mind whether or not I should cancel the appointment and how to get the letter to her. I asked Tom if I should continue seeing her and he said if I thought I needed to talk to a therapist, I should see her.

Well, I don’t see the need to report her, but I do think some of her behavior wasn’t appropriate. So I decided to leave it to fate. If I can make the appointment I’ll hand her the letter, ask that she read it afterward (it’s over 1550 words) and then be the one to decide whether or not we should continue. If I have to cancel the appointment I’ll mail it to her at work. I’m 90% sure she’ll drop me either way, though.

The question I’ve asked myself after reading the draft several times is… could this letter get me into any kind of trouble?

I honestly don’t see how it could.

Also, could she have the power to spite me if it angers her in any way? I realized that anyone can change, no one is necessarily who we think they are, and anyone is capable of just about anything. I don’t think it would, but if it did piss her off, she could cry suicide on my behalf. She could call the police saying I threatened to kill myself over the phone or something and there would be no way to prove otherwise until phone records could be checked and verified. Hopefully, she would be smart enough to think it through and realize that even if she was initially believed, a lie like that could be proven eventually. God fucking help her if she ever did anything like that, but I think she’ll just read the letter, file it away, and end our sessions.

Since we were on the subject just yesterday, I checked out her house again. It’s big and nicer than I realized at first, and I think it’s a two-car garage, not a one.

Here’s one of those rare cases I feel jealousy kicking in as I did with Alyssa. Stacey’s life may not be perfect and she may not always feel great, but she seems to be a very capable person who has it all. Beautiful home, a husband who can obviously perform since they’ve got a kid, the right to choose if she wanted that kid in the first place, the ability to drive, keep a schedule, and have a great paying career. On top of that, she looks great for her age, though maybe a bit frail.

I really wonder if she hasn’t read my blogs like she said she hasn’t. It just seems like it would be so hard to resist the curiosity, especially now that she knows I like her, but I would be even more surprised if she hasn’t checked my Facebook profile.

Also, I noticed the sudden jump in Florida and Texas visitors. She has family in both states. But they don’t appear to have gone to Blogger, though. Just Prosebox. I don’t think my Prosebox account could be found that easily unless you’re really good at finding people’s accounts.