Last night was an absolutely hellish night. I was up for about 20 hours. I felt horribly anxious and I slept just as horribly.

Towards the end of my day, I had the full spectrum light on to charge my keyboard and I wonder if that might have been what gave me a hard time falling asleep. Figures it could keep me up but not keep me on a schedule.

I finally took a melatonin at about 11 PM. These are 3 mg. It did nothing for me. As tired as I was I couldn’t fall asleep until around midnight and I kept waking up constantly from horrible dreams.

The worst dream was me walking out of the bedroom and into the living room where Tom was. I seemed to be disoriented. He looked at me with a mixture of concern and disappointment. Next thing I know he’s on the floor throwing up on all fours. Then he was saying that he thought he was having a heart attack.

I said I would call 911 and he said not to do that.

In another dream, I seemed to be totally alone. I guess I didn’t know Tom, and I might have recently gotten out of some jail or hospital. Charlotte and Jim were still alive and I called them. Jim answered and we started talking. He seemed friendly at first and then he asked who I was. Not realizing he didn’t know who I was up front, I told him my name and he said, “You’ve got the wrong number, buddy,” in a very cold tone before he hung up on me.

I then felt totally abandoned.

I got back up at 5:30 and felt just horrible. My weight hit a new low of 145.8. What would normally be exciting has gotten scary. I’m the one that used to have to bust her ass squeezing off 3 pounds a month, and now it’s coming off with little effort. Tom doesn’t think I’ve been eating that much, and while the anxiety has snuffed my appetite a bit, it seems like I still have more calories than I should to lose weight on some days. Maybe even most days.

So I got up and felt anxious, weak, dehydrated and hopeless.

I skipped my thyroid pill and had three chicken wings and a fruit cup. Then I woke Tom up and we talked. I took a lorazepam and fell back asleep until 11:30.

I want to hear from an expert as to whether or not my lower TSH alone could fuel my anxiety, so I messaged Dr. O.

A part of me is tempted to quit my thyroid medication forever because all my problems began after that entered the picture. But I’m still sure perimenopause has a hand in this as well. It’s just that Tom thinks it’s all that, along with Stacey having a big effect on me that basically shattered me by the way she led me to believe we would be friends, while I’m still suspicious of the pills.

The only thing missing from the equation is that my heart hasn’t raced or beat as hard nearly as much as it did the last two times I had problems on this medication. The “mindfuckers” aren’t present either.

But like I told Dr. O, the anxiety that feels more in the chest as opposed to the solar plexus, lack of appetite, weight loss, occasional runs and intermittent lung tightness, makes me wonder.

When Dr. O tried me on 88 mcg, I’m pretty sure I started around September 26th. It was October 29th when things really came to a head. That means that if it is the pills and I keep taking them consistently, I’m going to be in big trouble right after the New Year.

Not knowing for sure what’s causing what or how long it’s going to last is driving me absolutely crazy. It’s scary to think that this could go on for years. I don’t know that I’m strong enough to survive much more of this shit. My dreams alone tell me there’s no sunshine on my immediate horizon.

We canceled our plans to do the floors this weekend because of how shitty I feel. As Tom said, they’ll get done when they get done. The floors are the least of my concerns right now.

Next week I will cancel Stacey and reschedule the shrink. After the new year, I will update A and ask not only if she wants to see me sooner, but also about the Xanax that Tammy recommended. She said it’s not addicting and that it’s helped her tremendously with anxiety.

Stacey’s letter of explanation will eventually be sent as well. I’m doing it more to get things off my chest than because I feel I owe her an explanation. Still not going to report her because I don’t think she meant to do what she did, I can’t prove it anyway, and it’s just my word against hers.

Wonder if she’d be cited for misconduct and inappropriate statements had I secretly videotaped her? Only that’d be illegal and therefore not admissible. I almost feel like I’ve been “Johnsoned.” She kinda kicked me back a rung or two emotionally, but I will survive her. It’s the anxiety I’m not sure I can survive, regardless of what’s causing it.

The Rose Marie Rathbun account is back up.

Uh-oh. Just learned my nieces lost their grandfather. I’m assuming this is the guy in his 90s that was Bill’s dad. Again, sorry for the girls, but not “sorry.” Didn’t know the grandfather, though. Maybe he was a good guy, quite unlike his son.

I feel so bad for the women of Texas. Such a shit state. They cut free birth control from poor women. If they can’t afford birth control, how do they expect them to pay for the kids they didn’t want? And if they put them all up for adoption, who are all these people that are going to adopt them or that would even want to? Kids aren’t the in thing these days. It’s all about careers and making money. Not that I’d ever want to live in a country as fucked as India, but if I did, no one would ever question my lack of job and not driving. Ever.

Seriously, what’s wrong with this world? They’ll give the money they were funding the BC with to some other country.