Sometimes it doesn’t seem very fair that I ask some people on a regular basis how they feel, yet they don’t ask me how I feel. Like Tammy, for example. Nor do I get a “hope you feel better soon” when they know I’ve been having a rough patch as I often give them when they fall into a snit.

shrugs I guess I’m just me and they’re just them, right?

Speaking of people, I did some self-analyzing and I realize that I still need to be a little more unforgiving than I tend to be for the sake of looking out for my ass. No, I wouldn’t forgive Maliheh or Andy, and I probably wouldn’t forgive Nane, but sadly, I may still be tempted to forgive Alison if she reached out to me, so this is something I feel I still need to work on. Being friends with her again would mean not being able to trust everything she told me, and eventually getting dumped again unless I took the honors first for some reason.

The only thing I’m good at (at least in my own personal opinion) is that I treat everybody the same. Meaning that if you abused me or you abandoned me, I’m still not going to forgive you for it even if you may be related to me. I figure people are still people whether we’re related or not and there’s never any excuse for certain behavior. My mother giving birth to me was never any excuse or ticket to be allowed to abuse me or to be worthy of forgiveness, and just because my father got my mother pregnant, I don’t see where he deserves forgiveness for sitting back and allowing her to do what she did. As for those estranged family members that chose to out themselves from my life… YOU chose that and that’s the way it stays. :-) I think more people should learn that once we make major decisions like that we can’t just change back and forth like we can with clothes.

So what I’m saying is… if someone dumps me or if I feel they’re toxic enough to dump them, related to me or not, that’s the way it should stay. I really hope, however, that anyone who is currently in my life will stay in it forever. I know nothing’s ever guaranteed, but I’d like that. :-) I’m getting too old to squabble over stupid petty shit with anyone. I just want peace. :-)

I know that different people have different beliefs and opinions when it comes to what/who’s forgivable and what/who’s not. Some people will forgive someone for beating the shit out of them simply because they’re family while they would never forgive a friend who said something mean to them in the heat of the moment. Do I personally think this is twisted? Yes, I do. But we all have the right to do what’s best for us.

I have more to write about, but right now I want to go soak in the tub and get some food in my surprisingly near-flat tummy. Will do another entry later.

Later…

Determined to finally get caught up with my writing, and write for me. Me first, online censorship second.

I felt better when Tom got up for work yesterday, and the rest of my day was fine. I would have slept better too, if it weren’t for the nightmare I had, but I’ll get to that later.

A couple of hours after getting up I had feelings of anxiety in my chest rather than the upper gut, and I’m starting to go beyond spotting, too. I am still hoping that I’m at the beginning of the end of the perimenopause. Based on what’s gone on over the last few years, and what I read and heard from other people, I should be. I am hoping that once my body gives up on trying to create real periods the anxiety that has been coming and going will back off for good.

There is still a possibility it could be heart/medication-related, but I hope not! I don’t think it is, but it sure would be nice to know instead of just think. The only times we were sure it was the med were July of 2014 and October of 2015 due to pocket flares and increased dosage.

For now, all I can do is enjoy whatever moments of serenity I can get. The lorazepam may make me feel calmer, but it renders me pretty useless because I get so drowsy that all I want to do is lie in bed. So anxiety medication really isn’t an option for me. The short-lasting ones make me tired and SSRI drugs have side effects. I just wish I were tougher and better at suffering when the anxiety really bites! I’m doing all I can to help myself, but it doesn’t always seem like enough. I’m just thankful that Stacey’s EMDR has helped make things a little less scary for me.

At the moment I feel okay, like I said. Just a little tired. I don’t think I’m going to sleep much better until the new bed arrives and that’s still about a week away. Since Tom will be home (this is his only day off this week, unfortunately) I’m going to try to skip the lorazepam today if I feel anxious again later so that I’m not drowsy. I want to be able to do things. We’re going to be going out shopping real early in the morning. Just fun shopping that we do once a month or so, and nothing major.

I don’t remember who it was, but some celebrity who had a baby said she swore she would not let herself get depressed afterward, but she did anyway, that’s how powerful our hormones are. They control us and not the other way around as much as it would be nice if that were the way it could be. So yeah, positive thinking is great, but it doesn’t always cut it. I ended up bawling my eyes out for a good hour or so last night before Tom got up, and I found my thoughts turning dark. If only – if only I could know how much longer this anxiety will go on. If I knew our hunch was right and that it was the perimenopause and that it would end within a year or so, I could handle that. But if I knew it would go on for 5-10 years or maybe even the rest of my life, I would probably end it all. This is too much to manage for that long, especially since medication isn’t really an option. Even Stacey didn’t seem to think highly of anxiety medication, especially since you can still have symptoms with the medication.

When it started back up again, I knew it wouldn’t be just for a few days. Nothing is ever that short and sweet for me. I just never get off that easy. This will probably go on until at least March. And all my problems as a whole do last for years and are long-term. Well, it’s been 2.5 years already. Enough is enough.

Then what? Back to poverty? People trying to seek legal revenge for some reason? Almost anything would be better than this shit!

Here’s something weird. I came across a Rose Marie Rathbun on Facebook who’s from Texas and living in Arizona. When I first glanced at her face I thought I detected a hint of familiarity, but the eye color wasn’t the deep brown I remember it to be. This person also had gray hair and was listed as a social worker. Somehow I doubt Rosemarie, as briefly as I knew her, would let her hair go gray. I also can’t imagine the insensitive judgmental bitch as a social worker.

Nonetheless, I asked her if she lived in the Vista Ventana Apartments in 1992 and had a boyfriend named Rick. She said she didn’t and then I thanked her before she blocked me.

Now why in the world would she block me for asking if she was a certain person from a certain place? My only guess is that it could be for downloading a couple of her really beautiful desert pictures, but I don’t think anyone can know that. They know if we share their pictures, but not if we download them. I just wonder if she really does have something to hide or if she’s paranoid and maybe thinks I’m someone else, but either way, it is a bit strange. Unless she’s wearing contacts and decided to become a whole different person, I doubt it’s her.

Hmmm… Maybe her disappearance has nothing to do with me because I couldn’t even access her profile from Tom’s account. Unless the real Rosemarie read my journal, looked up Tom and blocked him, it’s not her. She never knew my last name any more than I knew hers. I’d say she deactivated the account.

A few days ago Aly tweeted: Lost a friend not worth fighting for but gained respect for a few people along the way. Also, she’s glad she stayed calm last night and has to remember that she controls her anger and not the other way around.

This is no surprise at all, though I would really love it if Kim dumped her ass. That would be the real karma for her. Between Aly’s lies and clinginess, she’ll just keep dumping people and they’ll keep dumping her. Kim is simply too crazy to let Aly go, and Aly hangs onto her because Kim doesn’t dare tell her what she doesn’t want to hear.

I can still smell my cucumber melon bath bomb. I usually don’t smell them after I get out of the tub.

So I had a dream I overheard Alyssa tell someone that she had a CD for sale on Amazon (of her singing?), and then in another dream, I realized I had been single for quite some time and didn’t want to change that.

Then I had a long, detailed, scary dream where I seemed to live in some other neighborhood somewhere. I was outdoors and in the area but not by our house. I’m not sure what I was doing, but a dark-haired woman in her late 30s was standing nearby.

I said hello and she returned the greeting. I told her I’d seen her around and asked her name. She told me it was India.

Then she told me she was running from her abusive husband, and that when he found her at her mother’s place, he broke in and ransacked the place.

A split second later we were talking inside our house. This made me a little uncomfortable. I felt bad for the woman, but I didn’t want her stalker to be watching her and then to become a target myself because I let her inside. She was giving me the impression that he would go after anybody who paid any attention to her.

Sure enough, I heard these strange sounds a short while later. The woman disappeared into thin air as I ran to the front door and noticed that the knob and lock were both gone. There weren’t even any holes where they had been. The door was now just one solid panel of wood with no way to open it.

I ran to the back door and found the same thing and wondered how the hell the guy managed to pull all that off without me hearing it.

Next, I ran in search of my phone but couldn’t find it. In reality, our house has a front and back door, but in the dream, there was a third door that was standing partially open. It was dark now and I was surprised to find an inch of snow on the ground. Too pissed to stay scared or try to figure out why there was snow on the ground, I burst into the night hell-bent on finding and ripping the guy to shreds. I screamed for the guy to come face me as I ran toward next door, which my dream self still identified as being Bob and Virginia. The dream ended with me still furiously demanding that he show himself, bare feet not feeling the coldness of the snow.