Good God, what am I going to do if I ever need medication for something that’s a matter of life or death since just about every single thing I take seems to cause problems?! Sure enough, I had to stop the Estroven because I awoke with an irritating tingling sensation in my throat and mouth. I looked online and found that this can happen, though it’s supposed to only be to a small percentage.

The sore throat I had on Tuesday was more consistent with a cold which my body fought off in less than a day as it usually does. But this feels more similar to a thing called thrush that kind of leaves this strange/gross sensation in your mouth, which I sometimes get if I stop eating yogurt.

I called the number on the box and spoke to a woman who said that this is “expected” to happen. Really? Because I swore I read online only 3% have this reaction. Either way, she couldn’t tell me if I would get worse or how long it would last, but I think it’s safe to say it’s not going to kill me. I gargled with saltwater and now all I can do is wait it out. I’m guessing it will be better tomorrow. This sucks big time because I think it really might have been helping with the anxiety and even making me sleep better. The insomnia was back last night and I was up for something like 19 hours, but I’ve been sleeping a little better overall. So now my anxiety may return and I’ll just have to tough it out on my own, wondering if it’s my thyroid pills, but pretty sure it’s the perimenopause while never knowing when it’s going to fucking end. I realize, though, that the sooner I let it come back, the sooner I can not only learn to adapt to it once and for all as horrible as it is, but it’s a great diet tool too, and I still have another 20 pounds to go, though I would settle for 15.

The only other thing I feel so far today is fatigue. My body is acting PMSy again, though I don’t know why. I just had a period less than two weeks ago. But my fatigue and hunger levels are up (though I’m not that hungry today), I’m retaining water, and my boobs are sore.

I began to feel a little anxious towards the middle of my day yesterday for about five hours and decided to skip my pill today in case there’s still a connection. I’m just tired of having to suffer one thing or another nearly every single fucking day of my life. Why can’t I just LIVE my life?!

Just got a message from Zaradhe. She confirmed that my stress test was normal, please schedule to see Doc A after my March labs, please consider another counselor, and am I on the shrink’s waiting list? They have cancellations, she told me.

When I turned around and called the Behavioral Health department, however, I was told the shrink doesn’t have any cancellations.

Argh, fuck this shit! I honestly don’t know how much more I can take! I burst into tears… what happened with Stacey, the anxiety, the perimenopause, the Estroven, the levothyroxine, the scary unknown… it’s all too much for me at times.

As for another counselor… I not only don’t know that I could trust one, but I honestly don’t know if one could help me any more than Stacey had before what happened between us happened, which not surprisingly, I didn’t receive an apology for. How much more can I learn about anxiety and the tricks to combat it? I’ve researched online. I’ve talked to the experts. I really think I’m doing all that can be done and that the only other thing that may help is to try to find a medication that’s not only helpful but that doesn’t have unacceptable side effects. Good luck to me with that one.

I’m still shocked, hurt and a little angry over Stacey, but doing better. This is the kind of shit you expect with the young and naïve. Not a 58-year-old therapist.

So I’m sitting here worrying and wondering about this and that, and then I got a reply from Eileen. I had asked her if she still wanted to stay connected on Facebook because I wasn’t hearing from her very often. Turns out her daughter’s husband tried to kill her last August and the guy is awaiting trial. The daughter has been in the hospital and trying to work to support two kids, so everyone’s both shocked and exhausted.

This made me realize that while things may be bad enough for me right now, they could be a lot worse. I’m so glad Tom and I said “no” to kids in the end. That would have been more people to worry about when it’s enough to worry about ourselves.

“Some days you’re up, some days you’re down.” Tammy recently told me this, and this is so true. She’s so right on that one! I haven’t had anxiety yet today but I sure have had my share of stress and frustration on top of the throat irritation and having to hear landscaping on and off all fucking day.

I had a dream I was in an expensive boutique. The two women that worked there, one older and a younger one appearing to be a lesbian, showed me various items and gave me the ridiculous price of each one. The lesbian let me have a one-piece pajama outfit for free that was so small it could only fit a toddler.

I hugged her for it and hoped that they would finally present some desirable items at a reasonable enough price as a way of showing my gratitude for the free item. I finally settled on a $12 bottle of nail polish, even if it wasn’t a great color.

Then I was in a restaurant and I started to leave without my purse (I seem to do that a lot in dreams). I went back and retrieved it and then I “skated” off down the street with Tom and some woman on what looked like a dolly.

In the last dream, Tom and I were discussing moving to Florida and whether or not it was something we really wanted to do.

Oh, I sure hope I survive to have that conversation someday.

Later…

I think that tomorrow I’m just going to start taking the levothyroxine as directed and stop trying to change, stop or control the anxiety. The anxiety was meant to be for a reason and the sooner I let it come back, the sooner I can begin to adapt to living with it. I mean this is me now. This is me. It may not be me every single day, but it’s something I’m going to experience regularly enough and it’s not going to go away for good anytime soon if it ever does. Tom reminded me that nothing stays the same, and while it’s logical to assume it’s not forever, I can’t know that for sure.

So if it was my thyroid meds making me anxious, the anxiety will soon return as I get regular again with my doses. If it was the Estroven that’s backed it off the last couple of days, then the anxiety is still going to return because I’m not taking that anymore. I just have to remind myself that it’s only a feeling and it can’t kill me.

Aly’s tweets are the usual stuff. Riddles and complaints that Kim’s not around as much. I think they must keep in touch daily on other sites, though.