My weight hit a new low of 146.0 yesterday. I’m already able to get around easier and even my joints have been better.

Rather than change Stacey’s positive review on Yelp to a mediocre one, I decided to simply delete it.

I’m getting backed up on things, so I’ll write more on Stacey later.

This is my third day on Estroven. Although it’s too soon to say whether or not it’s helping, I did sleep a little better last night.

I continue to suffer from on-and-off anxiety that is sometimes accompanied by a racing heart. Sometimes my chest feels tight and I go from hot to cold. Also, my muscles sometimes tense up and I tremble.

Decided to take this stable moment I’m having right now to catch up on writing. After hesitating a while, not wanting to put any more drama on Tammy’s shoulders when she has enough of her own, I finally decided to call her yesterday afternoon and she made me feel SO much better. She let me know she’s always there for me and that I can always call, and I really appreciate it. She’s had experience with a lot of the same shit I’m going through and I wanted to ask more about her experience with Estroven. The box said it could take up to a couple of months to feel the effects, Tammy said it was a week for her, but then some women may not benefit at all. I guess everyone’s different. It might be making me drowsy, though I’m not sure. Just in case, I’ll start taking it toward the end of my day when I go to eat for the last time. I do still get fatigued at times regardless.

Sometimes I get anxious and then I get frustrated because I got anxious which makes me depressed to the point of tears. The thought of possibly having to go through this for many more years to come is enough to make me want to scream. It’s like you don’t want to kill yourself but you don’t want to suffer either. Even though it shouldn’t be, I still worry the levothyroxine may be responsible for some of the anxiety, tightness and weight loss, especially since I tend to feel worse during the first part of my day. But I would still think that realistically, I’d be feeling a lot worse if it was the culprit, and more often.

The 22nd really sucked. First my meeting with Stacy didn’t go so well, then I was disappointed to find the new mattress was too firm, and then I went for my stress test.

The stress test was kind of fun and it went well. I was in and out quicker than expected, but hopefully we won’t have to go to this place again. Traffic and parking sucks in this location.

Tom was saying the other day how he misses Cigna, which we had down in Arizona. Everything was in one building, including the pharmacy. I agree. It was much better than having to go to different buildings in different towns.

So… at the cardiology department. Their goal was to bring my HR up to 169, but it just didn’t want to go over 166. Close enough, though. There was a nurse who took my blood pressure along the way, plus the technician.

Just like I was told it would, the treadmill increased in speed and incline at set intervals. I had to take off my shirt and bra and put on a johnny with the opening in front so that they could attach 10 different wires to my chest.

Everything looked good and my blood pressure did exactly what it was supposed to do. It started off normal, then the top number climbed to 30, then to 60, and then back to normal.

We ordered a 3” gel-infused memory foam mattress pad, and I hope it wasn’t a waste of additional money because I swear the new mattress looked fuller and felt plusher the next day. It gets better. We swapped mattresses temporarily, and then I decided to take my old mattress back until the mattress pad arrived, and I swear it’s not tilted anymore, LOL. But it does still sag a bit, and it would still fry my ass in the summer.

Last night I had this strange dream where I sent Doc A letters every now and then. Regular old fashion postal letters. I was talking to her in person and I asked her if she remembered me mentioning a certain thing (I don’t know what), and she smiled and said, “I don’t know. That was two or three letters ago.”

Then I was in “running school.” I was out on a field running with several other people. Then I went and called Tammy to let her know how I was doing there. A family-owned school and the area where the “student” phones were located was close to a couple of vending machines with notices on them saying they were off-limits. They were for the family only.

Then I noticed a leak nearby in some corner by a staircase and wondered if anybody else had noticed it.

Later…

I still haven’t decided if I’m going to see Stacey again (I don’t think so), but after discussing her in-depth with Tom, I feel a lot better at least where she’s concerned. Well, I still have 11 days to decide if I want to see her, see another therapist, or not see anyone at all.

If I cancel, though, I’ll call the main line and not her line. I thought about tipping her off by canceling on her line and letting her know a letter of explanation was on the way, but that would give her a chance to ignore it or let someone else handle it. Plus, she could spite me by saying I never canceled. I doubt she would do that, but I didn’t think she’d lead me on either, again, intentional or not.

I’m either going to bring the letter to her directly, or I’m going to cancel via the main line the day I drop the letter in the mail, then let her sit and wonder why I canceled without rescheduling while it takes a couple of days to reach her.