My anxiety is bad again after having a great ending to my day yesterday. I don’t even know how long I can stand to sit upright and make this entry. I may have to do it in spurts.

I was anxious for the first half of my day yesterday but in the last half, I actually felt great. We got the hell out and went to Walgreens for starters where I got a rainbow beanie baby, pink nail polish, candy, incense, and lavender bath bombs.

Then at Walmart, I got hair dye, soda, scented wax cubes, treats, and a wooden burrow for the rats.

I slept better, but not quite as long as I would have liked, and I’ve been tired and anxious all night. The only thing I had that made me feel better was a few chicken wings. So much for going vegan. Maybe I shouldn’t have waited 12 hours into my day to have it, so tomorrow I will “chicken out” sooner, even though I would still prefer to avoid meat. I didn’t want to take a lorazepam and fall asleep sooner than I wanted to, so that’s why I opted for the chicken. I also wanted to do some cleaning without stumbling around as if I were drunk. Lastly, I need to start staying up later for the stress test.

Most of all, I really, really need to get in to see Stacey, and I really, really hope I hear from her this morning and that she’s not on vacation, even though she didn’t mention being out of the office on her outgoing message.

Tom is sure that this is perimenopause and I’m almost sure it is too, but again, I wish I could know for sure and also know how long this shit is going to torture me. It really is getting to be too much. I’m getting to the point once again where I’m afraid to get out of bed each day. I’m having trouble focusing on things and it just really sucks. When we were broke I wondered how my life got so bad. Now I wonder how my life got so bad without actually being bad. I feel totally hated from above and like I’m destined to suffer no matter what.

I finally got a full flow and I thought that would help make me feel better, and I am a little better, but I’m still far from calm. Getting another period is really disappointing. I really thought both the anxiety and the periods were over. Maybe the fatigue and dizziness will return but I’ll take that over anxiety any day.

I’ve also been experiencing some depression where I just lay in bed and have crying spells. I keep asking myself, is perimenopause supposed to make a woman this emotional???

I did manage to do a few things. I took my Italian lesson, I did some cleaning, and I also did 20 minutes of cardio and 15 minutes of strength training.

But editing my last story, beginning another story, and working on my monthly bio have been badly neglected. I just feel like lying around in bed so much of the time. It’s like I fear that if I move more it will aggravate my anxiety in the way movement aggravates my cramps.

I thought of calling Tammy, but she has her own problems and I’m not sure she would be all that supportive. We’re closer but not “close.” Kim is continuing to blow me off, too. I asked her a couple of days ago some questions about perimenopause and she’s completely ignoring me, so fine. Maybe Stacey will call me, like I said.

I just hope that if I do talk to her or meet with her she doesn’t appear “changed.” I’ve noticed this with some people who seem to really like you and care about you, and then suddenly they don’t. I mean I know she likes me. I just wonder if she’ll drop as many hints about it next time and still seem as flattered by any compliments I may give her, though right now my most important goal is trying to get this anxiety under wraps once again, and hopefully not just for a few months. I can’t even go a year for fuck’s sake! So yeah, I hope she’s as warm as she was before, but my emotions are what matters most and not what she’s thinking or feeling.

The only other thing I’m going to say for now is that the house on the opposite corner where that obnoxious contractor lived has sold. Hoping they don’t do the same thing, but you know what? I wish to hell noisy neighbors were my worst of problems right now.