I am sitting in the kitchen waiting for Philip to come and get my stereo. I think he’s here now. I’ve had my stereo for 3 years and it really needs a good cleaning job.

I haven’t written for a while, so to start with, I met Maria. She came over that night and then she decided she didn’t want me for a girlfriend cuz I was too short and too pushy by asking her to stay overnight. But I thought that that’s what you were supposed to do.

Then once again, I told myself how much easier it is to just stay alone, as I lose the decent people and attract only assholes. So I decided to stay this way. I really have gotten used to it and have learned to like it. This way no one can steal from me or play with my head or abuse me in any way.

Later...

It’s gonna cost $25 for my stereo to be cleaned and another $12 for a new needle, which won’t be in until next week, though the stereo will be ready Friday. For now, I’m using the boom box.

Earlier I called Maria at work wanting her to return the barrette that she used to put her hair up with the night we met and accidentally walked out with. It’s also an excuse to see her. I’m really sure I’m wasting my time, though, cuz she’s already made up her mind that she doesn’t want to be my girlfriend, or else she’d have called or come over a long time ago. I can’t change her mind and I can’t make her want me. She’s not an asshole. She’s very decent and that’s why she’s not interested in me. I always fuck up when it comes to the decent people by being either too shy or too pushy.

She said she’d call me back after work between 5:00 - 5:30. So far no call. She also said, “We’ll figure out a way to try to get that barrette back to you.” Jeez, why can’t she just drive over with it? She’ll probably give it to someone to give to me to avoid seeing me. I hope she doesn’t give it to Bev. I don’t trust Bev.

Speaking of Bev, I wonder where she and Maria stand. Is Maria interested in her still? What about Maria’s 4-year boyfriend with whom she won’t have sex cuz she doesn’t believe in that before marriage? Will she ever admit she’s gay and seek a relationship with a woman? I guess it’s a waste of time trying to figure out the answers to these questions, and it’s just about 5:30 and still no call and I highly doubt there will be a call.

Next week sometime Philip and I are going to go look at other apartments as I’ve decided I just might be better off staying here in Springfield. I just don’t always get along with Tammy, and how can she help me with my singing when she knows nothing about the music business? I can’t leave Andy. He’s the only one who can help me and he wants to and we’ve become so close. We need each other’s friendship so badly. We have so much in common.