I fell asleep last night right after I finished writing and got up today at 11:00, then went to the Eastfield Mall with Andy. I bought a slice of mushroom pizza and a slice of cheese pizza for Andy, cuz he bought me pizza when he came over the last time.

Before we went to the mall, we went to Main St. Records, and the guy there gave me $5 for some records I sold him.

We once again ran into Bill F at the mall. We had run into him before at the Holyoke Mall. I met him when I was in a foster home.

After we were done I had Andy drop me off at Store 24 where I bought milk, bread and a few other things to hold me over till I go to Food Mart Tuesday with Phil. Thank God I have plenty of cigarettes till I get paid cuz all I have left is a few dollars.

Monday I’ll get my $50 back after I identify Nellie on film after she swiped a check from me, the motherfucker! How dumb of me to trust her!

I see that internist at 11:15. I just got my Medicaid card in the mail today. After those things are done on Monday I definitely need to try to catch up with my lawyer.

Tuesday, besides grocery shopping, I see my new therapist Mary Lou. I wonder how that will go and how she is. Probably ugly. I always get ugly therapists. I know it shouldn’t matter, but it’s harder to sit and talk to such an ugly face for nearly an hour as it would be a pretty one.

I’m just so sick of having to start over and over again with my life story to so many different people. Hopefully, she’ll be the last till I move. And I hope the shrink creates a miracle and solves my medication problems.

I’m really getting impatient about moving. I want to hurry up and get it over with. But I still don’t want to leave Andy behind. I was thinking of making him a medley of Stevie Nicks songs which is his favorite, but he says I don’t have to and that all he really wants for Chanukah is my friendship. Good enough.

I want to spend as much time as I can with my nieces when I move. And yes, Tammy too. I love being hyper and driving Tammy nuts. It’s funny. I can’t wait till Lisa gets older to teach her sign language, guitar and organ but I won’t get my hopes up too high about teaching her to sing cuz not many can or do or want to.

There’s a long time before Becky gets older. She’s so cute though. She does look like Bill and nothing like Tammy, although as I got older I came to look more and more like her in the mouth, but not the eyes. My eyes are bigger and gray-green. Tammy’s are brown-green. Pretty color, but not as big as mine. I wish mine were small and dark cuz it’s those big eyes that make me look so much like a little girl. My mouth is too small. Wish I had full lips.

Later...

I am totally bored right now waiting for Andy to call. I wonder where the hell Fran’s been, and I miss talking to Nervous.

I should’ve bought stamps today to mail my mail, and tomorrow Saratoga drug’s closed so I’ll take a walk up to Shoppers. It’ll give me something to do. The only problem with that is Emily’s gonna be there, and I just left a message on her machine saying goodbye, I’m moving, good luck with life and school. I did it cuz I’m so pissed at her for abandoning our friendship. If she asks, I wonder if I should just tell her the truth, although I’m sure it won’t do me any good. She’ll just argue and say she’s been busy and tired, but to me, that’s no excuse. She could at least make the time to call me if she truly cared.

I definitely have given up hope for a relationship. There’s just no such thing as the kind I want. Even if there were, they can’t live with me and I certainly can’t just pack up and live with them. I’d never move in with anyone cuz if things didn’t work out I’d have no place to go and if they lived with me and I kicked them out they’d either duplicate the keys or steal from me or try to beat me up or keep coming over and harassing me or calling me on the phone.

I was thinking of looking into a gay dating service I read about, figuring I could say to them this is what I want in a woman and this is what I don’t want, but no way. I’m not paying money I don’t have for an asshole, and if I got someone decent, would they be attractive at all to me?

Later...

Believe it or not, Emily just called and we had a great talk. I can understand her and how and why she’s been so busy. In the end, it’ll be well worth it and she won’t need a subsidy. The poor woman’s been working her ass off like crazy that she’s got no time for herself either. I’m gonna miss her so much when I move but it’s nice to know that if I want to come into Springfield to visit I’ve got a place to stay.