Mary and I were supposed to go out but we never did cuz Mary came up with an excuse, as usual.

You wouldn’t believe the shit the little nervous prickhead pulled tonight. God, is he childish! I wonder if he could ever realize just what a fool he sounds like and makes of himself. He’s just like a little boy! Desperate for attention.

Fran was going to stay over tonight and he got so jealous he was saying he wanted to come over here and kick him out and that it’d be nice if once in a while he could sleep over. Oh God, when is he gonna get the message?!?! With his attitude, behavior and pushiness who the hell would want him over or associate with him in any way? When’s he gonna look in the mirror and grow up? Why did I ever get involved? Males are males and they get sicker and sicker. Fuck them! Fuck them all.

I’m glad the little nervous prick didn’t call back cuz I really don’t want to waste my time talking to him. He’s an ass and his calling me when I move is only gonna waste time and money and his coming to see me is gonna get him beat up.

You should’ve heard him earlier on the phone whining like a baby when I told him I’d speak to him tomorrow. As I was starting to hang up he goes, “Or in 5 minutes.” Shit, is he desperate! Look in the mirror, you bastard, and ask yourself why!

Later...

I just ate 6 of those Pillsbury baking biscuits! What a record-breaker for me. I don’t even feel sick, full or nauseous.

Later...

It is almost 4:00 in the morning and I am still in Springfield, MA. I am starting this journal the same night I finished my second one. I have decided to photocopy my other journals for Nervous, rather than give him the books. Then he can read all the nasty things I wrote about him.

Tomorrow I see Debbie over at Osborne. They’re no longer doing home visits.

I just left a message where Nervous is working at the BMC (bulk mail center) for him to call me. I’m pissed at him but want to ask him for the money it’ll cost to photocopy my journals.

Nights like this when I’m up all night make me wish I had those sleeping pills cuz they really help just to put my schedule back. Tomorrow I’ll call Dr. Donoghue for that and also my Navane.

Something is definitely wrong with Mary. I called her last night and she sounded like something awful happened. She said she’d call me back but never did. Then I tried to call at night and got no answer. I also tried calling earlier to try to catch her before she went to work and got no answer. I got no answer where she works either. What happened? Did she get sick? Did she get raped?

Guess what? Speaking of coincidence Mary just called. She was at work but wouldn’t tell me what happened. She said it didn’t have anything to do with Margaret or Ray and that she did not get raped. All she said was that she “fucked up really bad last night” and didn’t want me to call her at work. She says she’ll call me when she gets home. I’m pissed at her for not giving me an explanation last night and not being able to talk to me when she should know I’m here for her. I asked her if she went with another girl and she said, no of course not, but I’m still pissed and confused. She’s got too many problems and excuses and I wonder if I should even get involved. That’s how stupid I am, though.

Nervous never called. I wonder if he will later this morning. I’m sure he will eventually. Boy, have I ever felt better since the weather’s cooled down. I hate summer like I hate males. Every summer something goes wrong and I feel lousy physically and mentally. I wouldn’t wish what I go through on my worst enemy. Now I feel so much more stable, livelier, more alert. The cold does me great, though I also hate the cold at the same time and miss the warmth.

It looks like I’ll stay awake throughout the day today to fix my schedule. I need to call Dr. Donoghue today and like I said I see Debbie today at 2:00.

Tonight I must call my cousin Philip about meeting Gloria at her concert on Sept. 3rd and I must call Cecelia, a deaf friend, who I recently met. It’s too bad we couldn’t have been roommates but she hates this area, not that I can blame her. She’s always lived with her parents. She’s 41 but looks 21. I haven’t told her I’m moving yet but I’ll have to. The only thing that bothers me about her is that she seems a bit prejudiced against gays.

Mary just called me again and told me what happened last night. She’s a recovering alcoholic and she said she messed up and drank. She was at the Orange Cafe, had no money, didn’t plan to drink, but did anyhow and never called to tell me or to tell me why. She said she’s going to the AA meeting tonight but I’m really beginning to wonder about her. She called me yesterday from work before we were due to go out and obviously before she went to the Orange so it sounds like she planned this. Especially backing out of our date. I’m pissed, but to hell with her! I can’t picture myself in bed with her anyway. I’ll let her go find someone on her level. She’s just not my type.

Later...

I just finished talking with my niece Lisa and Tammy. I want to do something nice for everyone for moving me. I feel bad never having gotten anything for Father’s and Mother’s Day or Becky’s 1st b-day or Tammy’s or my parent’s anniversaries.

I asked Tammy if I’d be able to move by October. She said hopefully sooner. I hope so, too.

When Saratoga drugstore opens, I’m going to go photocopy my journals. Right now I’m gonna call the bank and check on a check that I fear may have bounced.

Later...

The customer service center at SIS doesn’t open till 8:30, 5 more minutes. The drugstore’s not even open yet either. I just put on my makeup. I’m warming up half a cup of coffee and waiting for things to open.

The phone just rang. I thought it was Nervous but they just hung up whoever it was. It probably was Nervous, after all.

I can hear Mattie’s radio next door in her kitchen.

Tomorrow’s the 1st and the bastard downstairs is supposed to move. He got evicted.

Later...

I photocopied my first journal and part of my second for Nervous. He’s going to have to pay me for this and I know he’ll think it’s well worth the money.

He never called either. I bet he thinks I’m sleeping. The little bastard thinks he knows me quite well.

I ran into Hank downstairs. He says he’s not moving to Florida cuz there are more Hispanics than up here.

Carolyn, Dr. Donoghue’s secretary called in my prescription at Shopper’s Drug. I’ll need to get it later. I’m paranoid about going out again though cuz my eyes are so red from lack of sleep that it looks like I’m drunk or stoned. I should try to get some sleep, but I kind of want to wait till later on tonight so my schedule’s normal again.

Both Tammy and Ma say these duplexes are beautiful that they looked at. I can’t fucking wait to get the fuck outa here. I really wonder how often Nervous will call or come try to see me? Little desperate puppies are unpredictable at times, although I know this one quite well. Sick. Sick. Sick.

Yesterday I ran into Fran and he says he’s seen Crystal, who I tossed out a while back. She’s a loser too, and always will be. Fran says he’s decided not to get a phone again so I wonder if he’ll write to me. We’ll see.

Oh, what nasty letters I’ll write Nervioso. Poor little motherfucker was sick at the thought of Fran spending the night and jumped for joy when he didn’t. Nervous will never sleep here. Never. When is he gonna get the hint? All he’s good for is to use, and he’s a sucker for it, too. I’ve had him wrapped around my finger since day one. I’ll just continue to fuck up his head.

Later...

Nervous is here. I just gave him the journals. He’s reading them now. I warned him that there’s a lot of nasty shit about him, but I only write what I feel and what I believe is true.

I spoke to Mary earlier who feels really miserable but made it to her AA meeting, nonetheless. She asked me if I’d go with her Friday. There are only gay people which she says makes her feel more comfortable than the ones with straight people.

I tried to call Philip but he was out playing racquetball so I spoke to my aunt Ruth. I’ve got to call back at 11:00, and hopefully get Phil and some good news about the concert too, but I doubt it.

It’s almost 9pm and Nervous is still here reading. This little shithead loves to spy. He mentioned my lights being off last night like they usually are when I’m just relaxing and talking on the phone. He started shaking and doing his nervous laugh, saying he never heard anyone doing that.

I can’t fucking wait till I move! I’m so sick of living here and I’m so sick of the people, especially Nervous himself. I don’t want to see him or talk to him when I move. He needs to find someone that’ll give him what he wants.

Later...

I just asked the nervous retard to leave as he drives me nuts. The idea of me moving is killing him. He was just spying outside my front door till Mattie came out. Then he ran away like a little chicken. He’s sick.

I’m drinking a cup of coffee now waiting for 11:00 to roll around so I can call Philip, but I’m so tired that I think I’ll just go to sleep.

Tomorrow I’m gonna go finish my photocopying for the nosy fuckup who I know will enjoy reading what he’s reading. I just love Nervous’s comment about moving. He goes, “Oh, so you go from bad to worse.”

See, that’s what he does when he doesn’t like a situation. He makes it sound tragic. A male is a male. What can I say? He’ll never grow up. He said he could drive down there every day. Let him try. I’ll beat the shit out of him and that’s a promise, not a threat. He’ll die. He’s gonna have to do what’s best for him and take the hint and say goodbye. Let him get the woman he swears he can get. I’ll be damned if I’ll hold his hand 24 hours a day, a 47-year-old nervous fart with mental problems. Go to hell asshole!

I hope my sister gets those papers with my monthly income and my bank balance by tomorrow so she can fill out an application for an apartment for me. But I want to know exactly what I’m getting and if it’s possible to move if I don’t like it. I don’t want them handling too much of my affairs, and I also think I should fill out my own application.

When I do move I don’t plan to ever have a car. I can’t ever afford it and I hate driving. It would be nice to have someone support me, though. Be nice to be married. But I want money of my own, too. Guess I’ll never sing, though. You can’t make it in Norwich, CT, and I have no connections. Not the ones I want anyway. If my sister or mother think they’re gonna hold me back from trying, though, or anything else, they’ve got another thing coming to them. And if there are any hassles and they try to throw up in my face their getting the apartment for me, then there’ll be hell for that, too.

Later...

I’m feeling a little bummed out and a little apprehensive about the move being so close to my sister. I don’t know if I trust her. Or my mom. I mean, they want me to consider their interests but what about mine?

I don’t give a shit about what they think of my singing or guitar playing anymore. I don’t want to or have to prove anything to them. Only to myself. They’re jealous just like Phil said and everyone knows it. You can’t change people like that and eventually, you just don’t want to or give a damn. Tammy’s the only one on this earth that denies I can sing and hasn’t heard me for 3 years but then again, 3 years ago I wasn’t that good. Those voice lessons really helped practically overnight. Mom and Dad say it’s fairly decent but I need to quit smoking. I never claimed to be a perfect singer but I’ve got enough to get by. Nor would I ever want to be overly famous. I’ll just take it as far as it goes, though. Far enough, hopefully, but also hopefully, not too far. Who knows what could happen with it? I never tried. I’ve been so negative. No more or I’ll never get anywhere. I couldn’t live with myself if I never even tried. I’d always wonder what could have happened with my dream. But I know I’ll have to work for it and that it won’t happen overnight.

Later...

I tried to reach Phil but couldn’t.

Nervous says my moving is pretty fucked up. I told him to go play with himself. I don’t need anyone with his kinds of problems anywhere near me. He’s out of my life as of now. I deserve better friends than him which I have. He won’t give up and let go, so I just did it for him.

Ma says she’ll call this weekend or before if she finds out any information regarding an apartment.

Tomorrow night I definitely need to call Cecelia and I’ve got to pay rent tomorrow, too.