Al was over yesterday afternoon, and now I wonder if the talk we had will get us anywhere. I try to tell him how I feel, but I can never say the right words or express myself the right way.

I asked him to make love to me, but then he said he was afraid I’d accuse him of wanting only sex. He also said he didn’t feel we were made for each other. I feel that he feels I’m abnormal and that I’m not good enough for him. I don’t think he could ever love me. I wish he’d talk more positively to me and focus on my good points more, rather than always negative ones. He’s always so serious, too.

My feelings about Al are really confusing. My thoughts drift from one extreme to another. I know deep down that we’re not right for each other. But I know there’s no such thing as the kind of relationship I want with the type of woman I want, so what am I to do? Be alone forever? I have to learn to settle sooner or later, don’t I?

I know I could never have sex with Mary. She’s just so ugly. But maybe an ugly woman’s better than a guy. I guess I’ll never know unless I try. I mean, she’s very nice, but is she the right person for me? I can’t imagine that being the case.

Later...

I have a urinary tract infection so tomorrow I’ll have to call Dr. Booker for an antibiotic. I just hope he doesn’t have to see me first.

Food Mart was jam-packed today, so Philip is going to take me tomorrow night at 10:00. That’s better in a way, cuz before I go I need to get my food stamps.

I am waiting for Mary to call about the Gloria concert. She’s not sure if we can go or not. No way to get there and back. No money for a taxi either. I hope she’ll at least come over here, and if she does, I hope she stays more than 5 minutes like usual. Also, I promised her I’d fix her hair really nicely, and she promised she’d look at my stereo about why one of the cassette decks sounds funny. I think it just needs a cleaning job.

I can’t believe how well Motrin really works. It’s amazing. I took it for the pain in my gut due to the damn infection only 5 minutes ago and it’s gone.

I haven’t heard from Fran in ages. Before he got his phone disconnected he used to call every day. I miss my big brother. I wish he’d go to a pay phone and call cuz I miss our talks.

Also, I hope to hell Andy calls me sometime soon. He’s the best damn friend in the world, and that guy makes me laugh like you wouldn’t believe. We have so much in common. I feel bad about what I said to him about Judy, though, and I hope he’s not mad. I mentioned how phony she is and that she talks too much, but I think he realizes this. I’d really like to get together with him sometime soon so he can finish teaching me Talk to Me on the piano.

I just took time out to measure my waist and can you believe it’s a 23½!!! My lower gut’s a 26!!! That’s the lowest I’ve ever been in the 3 years I’ve been thin! Wow. Those water pills really were the answer. No wonder I was so bloated last winter. It was all water. Never again. This morning I noticed I was a little watery so I took a water pill which I’m supposed to anyway on the 15th day of my cycle, and what a difference! You bet your ass I’ll never be chunky again in my life, never mind obese. I’m now 97 pounds and have lost nearly 39 pounds.