Oh, this fucking cat! I mean, I love him, yet I hate him. After he eats, all he does is whine if I don’t pat him. I can’t spend much time patting him cuz of my allergies, which are back to being a nightmare. But then when I shoo him out, he doesn’t want to go and I have to scream and chase him out.

I swear my whole upper respiratory system, as well as my lungs, are forever cursed. I haven’t had asthma attack #4 yet, but these constant sneezing fits are driving me nuts! Today, I’m gonna wear nose clips all day. Yesterday I was so sick, that I had to take a couple of Benadryl, which knocked me out. Therefore, I couldn’t be up when Tom got home so we could order CDs together. I slept so long and was so out of it that I didn’t even see him before work. I woke up 15 minutes after he left. He said he ordered 3 CDs, though, and they’ll be here in 4-5 days.

I just have to tell myself that this is how it must be as long as I don’t smoke. If I’m not gonna have as much lung trouble, it’s got to be made up for in the nose. God’s just not gonna leave me alone. Just like I have to tell myself every day that I’ll never be thin again. I’ll never lose this weight no matter what my diet or exercise routine consists of. All I can do is try not to gain anymore and hope I don’t.

Just talked to Andy. He loved all the notes and says he’ll leave me a message later about the notes he thought were the funniest. He’s still his usual self. He’s working still, but he spends all his time stoned and on the phone. Where would this guy be without phones and pot?!

Later…

A cream-colored medium size car just came and got the bitch. Who are all these people giving rides to this bitch? God! Wish I could’ve gotten so many people to cart me around before I was with Tom.

Later…

I left Kim a message asking her to email Alex and have him email her about why he’s shut me out, then forward his response to me. However, she can’t email him, either. Like I do, he has blocks on to keep junk mail out, so her message got returned to her.

People fall in and out of our lives and by the time most of us are my age, you’re more than used to it, but I was a little curious to know if he’d give me an explanation. Like most people, he didn’t have the guts to tell me why he shut me out, but it’s got to do with something he read in those journal excerpts I sent him. But what? I know I said a lot of weird, stupid, and naïve things, but what could upset him that much? I don’t remember writing anything mean about him.

How weird. I just checked both the Woodside file and the Elm file and there’s not one mention of meeting Alex. Well, I was a vague and shitty writer back then after all. Especially since I never even mentioned how Maliheh kissed me when I left the bar that night back in Northampton 7 years ago. I never would leave that detail out in this day and age if I were meeting that sick twist now.

I prayed one last time to God as far as my weight goes, although I’m sure all my pleading won’t get me anywhere. I know deep down that this is how I’m meant to be. I’m fat, have been for a while now, and always will be. I just know it deep in my gut and heart. No, God does not help those who help themselves. And once I see that this walking won’t help any more than the exercising did, I’ll hang it up and accept my bigness. I’m through fighting for things I’m not meant to have.

This questioning why I’m sterile at the doctor’s next month has me a bit nervous. I know God. I know how he operates with me. If I go meddling in areas that are a no-no per his orders, and that isn’t meant to be, he could hurt me, he could hurt Tom or both of us. But would he for just a little information? I can see him retaliating and punishing me for trying to change myself, but what about just getting a little info as to why I am the way I am? Don’t I have a right to at least know about my body? Or is that a sin, too?

I called and talked to my mom who could barely talk. Through fits of coughing, she managed to tell me she has a bronchial infection and that her computer mouse died. I teased her by letting her know she could have a live, furry one.

Dad wasn’t home, so we didn’t talk.