Yesterday turned out good, but today’s a day that I could do without.

Here’s where I’m glad my husband’s easy and not your average guy. I was too horny to wait for him to get up and take the time to eat, digest, and do the many things he has to do before he can have sex, so I woke him up. We began screwing, but he went soft. He said he had to pee, but I think he really wasn’t all that into it. That was fine, though, cuz I just had him go down on me, which is really what I wanted all along, cuz I needed some relief fast! And naturally and thankfully, he didn’t mind being left out. So I can be selfish and not feel guilty about it.

From here on out, I could easily live the rest of my life with the vibrator half the time, and with his tongue the other half of the time. I could totally live without screwing at this point, although the variety’s still nice.

I feel so insulted and kind of embarrassed, too, to have lost just one or two measly pounds after the two weeks or so I’ve gone on just a few bites a day, and after the exercises I’ve been doing for over a month now. It’s hopeless. Totally hopeless. This is how I’m meant to be. I’ll never be any smaller than I am again. I lose a lousy inch in the hips, but meanwhile, those exercises never really did me a damn bit of good. I knew they wouldn’t too, cuz I’m too fat. The crunches just can’t cut through all that fat. I just don’t have the willpower to live on just water and that’s what it’d take. Meanwhile, I’m gonna fuck the exercises and fuck watching what I eat. I’ll eat what I want, when I want, but will continue the 30-45 minutes a day of walking. Once again, I’m gonna prove to Tom and myself, but mostly to myself, that there is something up there that’ll never let me get any smaller. I made a bet with him that if I walk down to at least 115, I have to cook for him 5 nights in a row. If I don’t, he owes me Red Lobster. 

Another thing I find insulting and frustrating, even scary and sad, is how I still have wheezing bouts and how I still need inhalers every day. Yes, I know it could be worse, I could still be in the ER and having bad attacks regularly and on more medication, but God? I don’t smoke anymore, so why must I still have wheezing fits? It’s like - thanks, God. Thanks for rewarding me for all my hard work in fat and wheezing. Adults aren’t supposed to have asthma. At least that’s what the latest reports say. You can have allergies, though. I swear, if it’s not the norm, it’s me.

Tom got this bright idea that if he brought up the CD-maker differently, it’d work all the time unless we got a defective CD. Well, he made me an audio CD and him a data CD for the computer OK, but when it came time for me to do a CD, of course it had to fuck up. It won’t work for me. Something doesn’t want me making CDs. I’ve been so stubborn, though. I just don’t know when to give the fuck up, but this is it as far as the CDs go. I tried, I got a few that I like, now that’s it. Time to move on. There is something really cool that I did do as far as CDs go. I made labels. There’s this CD labeler that lets you line up a label to put directly onto the CD. I used all different pretty graphics. They’re not photos of any kind, but they’re colorful. They have ocean waves, swirls, and designs like that that I used.

Again, why would I have the suspicions I have about Tom if they weren’t true? I know he doesn’t want a kid (thank God), but this means he’s gonna do what he can to block me from going to a doctor and finding out what’s wrong with me. He does not want to deal with it. I know finding out what’s wrong with me won’t fix whatever’s wrong with me and I wouldn’t want to, but I’d still like to know and understand. Not just have theories and guesses. I can’t let another year go by with this eating at me. I want to know why I’m sterile if I can be told why, so I can close that chapter and move on. I tried to talk to him earlier and although he said we could talk if I needed to, he just did not want to deal with this. I can tell. Every time I bring it up, he just does not want to hear it. Well, that’s fine, cuz I’ve got to do this for me. I’ll leave him out of it. He doesn’t have to go to a doctor himself. He doesn’t want to deal with it, he doesn’t want to go to a doctor - fine, but I’ve got to do this for me. I don’t see how they could legally refuse to help me just cuz he wouldn’t be a part of this, too. He won’t come out and say he refuses to support me or go along with me or go to a doctor, but his actions will tell that. He won’t make an appointment to go to a doctor for himself, and I know he won’t be supportive of me, either.

He tells me he wants me to be happy, he tells me I should do something about this rather than talk about it, he supports me through my ear, through my teeth, but not with this. I just know he’s gonna try to put a guilt trip on me, but like I told him in the message I left him, I’ve got to do this for me like I should’ve since we got married. I should’ve trusted my gut instinct, I knew something was wrong with me, so I should’ve dealt with it then and not let it eat at me year after year. I can’t keep putting this off and making excuses. That gets too easy. It may never be important to him, cuz if we did it his way, we’d never go to a doctor and if I never brought up testing/kids again, he wouldn’t either. No, I’m not going now, and not when I’m 34 or 35, but in January. I thought that’d be a good time. After the Florida trip, but before we move, so that’ll be one less thing we’ll have to take long trips into town for, cuz I’m sure it’ll take me a few months to find the answers I seek if they can find them for me.

I don’t want a child for various reasons that I’m sure are obvious, and I can do a million other things for Tom, but this I need to do for me. I need to start thinking of and doing for my sanity sometimes. I don’t think what I’m doing is wrong, any more than it was wrong of me to deal with my ear and teeth. If one has a problem, they should try to fix it. Like I said, I could go to my grave asking why I’m sterile, but I don’t want to. I know God sterilized me and why, but how did he let it happen? That’s what I want to know.

This isn’t to say that if I had been OK and gotten pregnant, he would’ve been your typical dad. I think he’d have stuck around and would’ve been very supportive and a good father.

He says he loves me, and I believe him. If he didn’t, he would never have dealt with me with my ear, teeth, and other things. I’m sure he’ll see how much this means to me and will take me to the doctor even if he came out and told me he didn’t want any part of it. I’ve lived with this enough years, he knows it, and I don’t need to add another year or 2 or 5 or 10. I believe him when he says he doesn’t like to see me hurt, angry, confused, frustrated, etc. Well, the not knowing sure is frustrating and it’s well past time to do whatever I can to deal with it and seek closure to it.

Later…

I just had a huge potato and oh, it felt so good! See, I never get used to not eating much. Instead, it catches up to me and my stomach wants to make up for lost food. Of course, now that I’m eating when I’m hungry and eating more than a bite a day, I’m right back to what I originally weighed. So all my hard work was wasted. I did what I did for nothing, and I don’t know why I even bothered in the first place. I should trust my instinct and vibes when they tell me I’ll never again be below 120 pounds. I don’t see myself going into the 130s, but I’ll be right where I am in the mid-20s indefinitely. Why do I even bother to walk? All it’ll do for me is raise my heartbeat and make me thirsty. I just want freedom from food and weight worries and I’m taking that freedom back. I’ve been on the weight and food trip for too damn long now. For 8 months I drove myself crazy just to lose a few pounds, then end up right where I started. Wow! I should be proud of myself, huh?

Later…

Yesterday I spoke to my folks. Boo and Max, who found a place down there, are gonna be leaving MA altogether, I guess. They took Mom out for steak for her birthday.

Tom did a lot around here. He cut the pool cover to fit the pool, set up the reel we got for it, and the volleyball net, too. He trimmed the little palm trees and did several other things.