Tom’s gift surprised me. I really thought my folks would send him something along the lines of clothing and flags, but instead, he got a clock radio with a weather alert system.

My folks say they wish they could hear from him more often and he says he’s gonna email them tomorrow, but I don’t know. I think that’ll be just one more thing he says he’s gonna do but doesn’t. I told him that they’d love to hear from him about once a month or so, but we’ll see. It’s up to him. 

And I’m still smaller. Amazing, huh? I haven’t broken down and weighed myself yet, though. I’m trying to stick to doing that once a week only. I’m sure I’m still between 122-124 anyway.

Sex was the usual problem it is. Once again, I got him rock hard with my hand, then when he went to go in there, he went soft. He now claims it’s due to back pain. Why doesn’t he just come out and tell me he’s not interested? Why say he wants more sex and why say he’s in the mood when he’s not?

Later…

Andy and I spoke and sure enough, he flirted it out at the job he just lost. He said all the customers, co-workers, and managers, were flirtatious too. I don’t doubt that knowing how human beings are, but once again, God is not an equal opportunity doer or sayer. Meaning that just cuz the general pop can do or say this or that doesn’t mean he can. Remember? Some of us are different. He’s got to stop doing this! When’s he gonna learn? No wonder he bitches that he can’t get ahead in life. He’s too stubborn. He’s too bent on doing the opposite of what people ask of him or of what he knows he should be doing. Maybe he likes this and maybe he wanted to get fired, I don’t know. It does no good telling Andy not to flirt at work or not to associate with druggies and losers if he can’t attract someone nice right now, and not to settle. The more you tell him this, the more he’ll go against your advice and he will flirt and he will settle on the Lauras of this world as pals and roommates and on the Quinns of this world too.

It’s sad to see him in such a rut and in the same boat all these years. Nothing’s really changed with him since I’ve known him. He is more tolerant of those needing to talk and doesn’t kick a person down further that is already down, he’s much more sensitive, but he’s still the same old as far as his life goes. I know what it’s like to be stuck in a rut, but he won’t even try to get ahead. I’m not saying that God’s not against him in some ways. Yes, I think he’s had a major play in keeping Andy held back, but Andy can change some things. Maybe he can’t get Mr. Right, but he can avoid the next Mr. Wrong (Quinn) and he can shut up at work. Let everyone else say whatever they’re gonna say, but shut up!

Andy, if you ever read these journals for some reason I can’t foresee, especially the stuff I’ve written over the last couple of years or so, you’re gonna hate me! Well, try not to. I still love you. It’s just that I’ve come to be a bit different over the years, as you yourself have said. I outgrew the phone and a lot of our old ways, although I’ll always have my crazy laugh and lots of funny memories to cherish! Leaving Nerve hanging on the line at the bitch was fun and the calls we made were fun while we made them. I don’t regret the past, buddy!

Tom picked up a new shower massager and aerator for the kitchen sink. They’re the best ones yet.

Unfortunately, I was not up when Lisa tried calling twice today. I called Tammy to ask if she called. When she said no, I said that I must’ve read the caller ID box wrong so that she wouldn’t go asking Lisa questions. I’ll try to call Lisa in the morning and hope that Tammy’s at work when I do, to see if I can find out what’s up. Tammy didn’t say anything, though.

My ma says she’s shipped some bedding out to us. I asked her why I never see her on my buddy list on AOL and if she had a block on it and she said she doesn’t know how to use it and maybe I could teach her. I told her I thought I could show her how, but to tell her how would be a different story, so I forwarded her message to Tom so that maybe he could help them.

Now here’s something that could be good news concerning El Cocko. El Cocko still hasn’t been around. I only saw its car once last Saturday. There’s been no music trouble, either. Once again, if they could stay the way they have been, then I’d love for them to remain my neighbors till we move.

El Cocko returned in a U-Haul, so why not go out in one? I thought about it and realized that this fuck must’ve moved out and it must’ve known it was gonna be gone for a while, or else why pack enough shit for a U-Haul? And also, if it were helping someone else move, wouldn’t it be back by now? And why was the driver that left with him driving a blue car and not the freeloader’s gray car?

How did I miss vibing it, though? Could the September vibe mean that’s when it’ll return? Well, if it does, I hope it’s after Labor Day, cuz if it is out of the picture for Labor Day, maybe there won’t be hell to listen to from over there that day. Just about all the outbursts that have taken place have taken place when he’s been there. The dog, the music, the ball games, the parties, have all been in his presence, so hopefully it’ll be gone for a long long time. I know it’ll come back at some point. That’s bound to be. The question is, though, will it be back in 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, or a year?

I also don’t think it went very far. It’ll probably pop in every 2-4 weekends to see the bitch.

After carefully monitoring my fat and calorie intake, and what with how I felt when I got up, I really thought that this was it; I had busted into the one teens for sure and was maybe 119½ at the very least, but nope. Again, how insulting! No God does not help those who help themselves, any more than he wants everyone to “be fruitful and multiply” as I hear the bible says.

I’m telling you - it’s either bend to God’s will or drive myself crazy! See, I know I’ll be 122-124 pounds indefinitely, it’s just that I’m having a hard time accepting it. I’ve been down this road before, though, and have had to accept plenty of other things, so I’ll accept this too, in time.

The thing of it is, though, is that if I ever got thin again, he’d do something else. There’d just be a new problem to deal with for quite a while, so maybe I’m better off fat. Especially if the replacement would be worse. When it comes to my life, compensation is what it’s all about. He won’t give me anything without taking something from me. He gave me the strength to not smoke. Therefore, he took my thinness away.

I think that it was a psychological delusion. Due to how I’ve been eating, I tricked myself into thinking that maybe things had changed for once, but I’m still the same big-bellied, fat-faced thing I’ve been for months now. My legs are the size my waist should be and my waist is what my hips should be.