Well, well, what do you know? According to Tom, Freeloader Boy’s car hasn’t been here tonight and last night. That’s weird, too, cuz I could’ve sworn I heard him slamming around at 9:30 a couple of nights ago, and he didn’t warn me a change or absence was to come by blasting off, and my vibes never sensed anything. Well, wherever it is, it’ll be back in a few days or so.

Later…

It’s only 4:23 in the morning and yet the sun’s coming up.

Andy was over last night. He did what he usually does when he visits. He went on the web to read up on Stevie. Unfortunately, he was stoned, so that means he was a flaky ditz who was half out of it. I wish he’d come over sober when he’s more alert and receptive to what’s going on around him and to what’s being said.

I wonder if Blackie has worms. He was bleeding from the ass and he’s really skinny, so maybe we’ll pick up some stuff for it. It’s just something you put in their food.

As I said, I’m walking 30-40 minutes a day, but am doing very limited exercises. Just enough to keep my back feeling good. I’m still huge, but again, it’s mostly all in the gut and face. My goals have changed too. Obviously, I cannot lose weight for whatever reason, and I’m just not in the mood to live on water, so my new goal is to maintain the 125 pounds I’m now at. If I can’t lose, fine, but I don’t want to go above 125. So, that’s what I’ll work on and will walk to ensure I stay right where I am. Once again, I feel really insulted to have worked so hard to lose a few pounds only and to have quit smoking just to keep on having attacks. Yup, yesterday was my 3rd vicious attack. There really is never an end to this and it’s so scary and frustrating. I not only felt angry and humiliated, too, to have quit for nothing but a few saved bucks, but I almost had Tom get cigarettes. I almost said, fuck it! I’m gonna make myself smoke no matter what. If I’m gonna have lung trouble, it’s gonna be for a reason.

I wonder, though, could this be meant to be for a reason? I ask this, cuz it’s led to Tom and I taking action now as far as going to a doctor goes. Did God have this happen knowing it’d lead to us seeing doctors now cuz he feels it’s time for me to learn something I should know? Well, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with my lungs or thyroid. If he were gonna do something to me, I’d think it’d be my female parts that he’d go after. But is it time? Is it time for me to see if I can find out what makes me sterile?

I showed Tom what I wrote about my being sterile and my wanting to know why and my suspicions about him. He said I’m all wrong about him. I said, “OK, then there’ll be no problems when I go to a doctor in January. I love you, I’d do most anything for you, but I need answers here and I can’t worry about you or care what you think of what I’m doing.” 

His response was thrilling. He said he doesn’t want me to care what he thinks as far as this goes. Well, then I don’t have to feel guilty. I can do what I gotta do to see if I can find out why I’m sterile, then get on with my life.

Anyway, I have an appointment with a Dr. Linda Brown out near Melanie in Glendale on July 13. This is when I’ll mention the asthma, see about making sure my thyroid is OK, see about getting my ear cleaned, then see about a female exam. When I have the female exam, I’ll mention the DES exposure and how I can’t conceive, then hopefully the ball will roll from there. It may take me time to find out any answers if I can, but it’s worth a shot. I just don’t know how much Tom may or may not get in the way or try to con or manipulate things, even if it’s on a subconscious level, but we’ll see. If he doesn’t cooperate, I’m still gonna see to it that they do what I need them to do for me. I still won’t tell them, though, that I want answers and not a child. Tom still swears he’s gonna make an appointment for himself, too, when I go for mine, but this I’ll believe if I see it.

Later…

Tweety’s in for a change, although I don’t know if it’s gonna get all that hot out. He’s actually doing this chirping that’s pretty and not as obnoxious as when he squawks.

Later…

I was peering outside when I saw 3 kids at the Lopez’s fooling around with a basketball. I said to myself Oh no! They’re gonna come right over here and play basketball. They didn’t, though.

Jesus! It’s only gonna be in the low 90s for the next few days. It’s supposed to be 110º now!

Lisa called me collect. As usual, I refused it and called her right back. She says that instead of cutting herself, she’s drinking. Great. Just great. Well, once again I went through my speech about how things do get better and to try to do something more constructive when things aren’t going well.

I wish I could speed up time for her and get her out of that house. Not that adults on their own don’t have their share of problems, but I just wish things could get better for her like yesterday. My heart goes out to her, knowing what she’s going through. She’s in my old shoes, I swear. The only difference is, is that she’s not in a funny farm or a foster home. I’d rather her stay home than be in some psyche ward or foster home (especially if the foster parents aren’t like Anna and Harry were), but I still think Tammy’s a shitty mother. Maybe she’s not like our mother was, but she’s bad enough.

Lisa says Larry secretly went down to meet her at school where she was doing something with cooking. That was really nice of Larry. I didn’t think he’d ever care about Tammy’s kids.

She says Larry wants her to live with him.

Right now, Lisa’s going through a lot of mixed feelings. She doesn’t want her parents arrested, but she doesn’t want to take the shit they dish out, understandably. She’d love to live with Larry, but she doesn’t want to leave home.

Then she tells me I’m young and cool and that’s why she likes me so much, on top of my knowing what she’s going through and her being able to trust me. That’s sweet of her, but I still think she’d be disappointed and shocked if she saw me. She’s seen recent pictures of me, but I don’t know if she realizes just how fat I’ve gotten. I’m about 25 pounds heavier than when she last saw me.

She says Tammy and Mark got in a fight. Yeah, I believe that. Lisa said something about him pushing people away and throwing things. That sister of mine knows how to pick them, huh?

It really pisses me off to hear that now Tammy’s slapping her around, so this is what I did: I typed a letter to her, and in it, I commented on how anyone that hits kids (referring to Bill) is sick, etc. Maybe she’ll look in the mirror after reading this.

Lisa goes in a van that picks her up to a place where she’s an out-patient. She goes for 4 hours 3 days a week.

Later…

Tom and I just went for a swim. The water was only pleasant due to the pool cover, or else we’d never have been able to get into that water.

He put up the volleyball net, so we played a little volleyball and badminton, but no bee bashing. There was only one bee that came along and he missed it.

I scanned some desert scenery pictures, as well as a few of me from when I first got here, for Paula.

Why oh why does Kim insist on sending me Bob’s letters? I tell her she doesn’t need to bother, but she just doesn’t listen. She wasted a stamp just to send me his boring letter, filled with the same old shit. Fortunately, he doesn’t write to her very often. Lately, he only writes when she does and she just sent a letter for the first time in 3 months. Bob’s letters are so fucking boring, that when I read (when I was proofreading) how much I used to love getting letters from him from 1992-1995, I was kind of embarrassed for myself. How could I dig getting letters from him?

Wonder what Miss Bitch was doing here on a weekday at 1:00. That silver Caddy pulled in, she and the kid got out for a few minutes, then she returned and took off, but I don’t know if the kid was in tow. It could’ve been left here with someone, but I doubt that.