Boy, was I wrong about her not treating me any differently! I ended up talking to Palma last night more than all other nights combined, but something weird happened in the end, though I’m not sure what. She seemed disappointed in the end if I’m not just being paranoid and mistaking tiredness for any negative feelings toward me. It’s just that this woman is so hard to figure! This is one strange DO. She’s like a split personality, although as Mary pointed out, she’s been super cool with me and I shouldn’t assume she has any hard feelings towards me because she hasn’t come out and said so. She’s a pretty straightforward person. Still, every time she says/does something that makes me think she may like me, she says/does stuff that makes me think – nah, she’s just doing her job.

Mary said she was convinced last night that she’s bi-curious because of her reaction to learning I was married, which I couldn’t see from where I was. Mary said it was a definite look of disappointment, and this was when her mood seemed to change. I, on the other hand, thought it changed when I asked if DOs were allowed to visit inmates on the outs. Next time she’s on I’m going to avoid her or at least talk less just in case I said the wrong thing or was too pushy. I certainly wouldn’t want to make her uncomfortable, and the bottom line is that even if I were single, and even if she did like me, nothing could ever come of it.

Anyway, I asked Mary for her opinions on her observations with Palma because I didn’t trust mine to be accurate. When you like someone, you tend to read things in that aren’t there out of wishful thinking because you want them to like you.

Here’s what happened from beginning to end, the way I honestly believe it happened.

The 1st round a DO makes on their shift is with their clipboard because they do headcount. She walked up to the door with her eyes on the clipboard. I said hi, and keeping her eyes on the clipboard, she said hi in a tone of voice that said she could either be distracted by what she was reading or not so eager to see me. Then I told her I got my retainers, and still with her eyes on the clipboard as if she was afraid to meet my eyes or just didn’t want to, she asked where I got them from. It wasn’t till I said I got them from home that she finally looked up at me and even smiled a bit before walking off.

I’ve never seen her with makeup on before tonight, even if it was just lipstick (neither has Mary).

For the next two walks, I didn’t say anything and kept my eyes averted from the door. Mary saw her, though, and said she looked at me on one walk, then at her on the other.

Mary said Palma used to tweak. Mary and others saw her sniffing something a long time ago.

Anyway, one walk before dinner Mary flagged her down to bitch about having fat on her thighs, and we all got to talking about exercise. I asked Palma if she could tell I exercised or if I looked flabby, and she said, “It looks like you’re working on it.”

I took this to mean I didn’t look bad, but I didn’t look good, either.

When she let us out to get dinner - a big fucking hot dog - I said I was going to lose more weight on this shitty food. She said she needed to lose weight.

“Yeah, right!” I told her and got a big, complimented grin for it that only Mary saw because my back was to her at that point.

After dinner, when I went out to bring our trays down, I asked how come she had lots of muscle in her forearms if she said she wasn’t exercising, and she said she didn’t have lots of muscle, then went on and on about how she should start running again, she misses it and just went on and on like never before.

During the time we were first talking about fitness and exercise, I asked Palma if she knew any good jokes and she said she only knew Spanish jokes. When I reminded her that I knew Spanish, she said I still wouldn’t get it. Well, my Spanish certainly isn’t as good as hers. So, I ended up telling her a few jokes and said I’d write down for her whatever jokes I could remember and get it to her before her shift was over. “OK,” she said.

About 2-3 walks later I slipped a full sheet of jokes under the door to her. “Thank you, ma’am,” she said with an amused smile (pretty happy and smiley for someone whose initial reaction to my crush wasn’t so thrilling). I heard her chuckle as soon as she walked past the door, and I remember thinking – she couldn’t have read any of those jokes that fast. Then I remembered my little header and realized that must’ve been what made her laugh. I wrote: To my favorite DO (that is until you move me again) from Jodi Lin.

Then Palma shocked the shit out of us by announcing to the whole pod that she was going to do a search and that anyone caught with contraband would be written up. Palma never gives any warning when she’s going to toss us (Mary thinks I had something to do with that)! Mary and I put our extra panties on over the ones we were wearing, and I stuffed my extra towel in the seat of my pants and sat on it. When we heard her say the words summer and winter to next door, we thought – oh, no! There goes our thermals. So we bunched up our thermal sleeves under our stripe’s sleeves and pulled our hair in front so it wouldn’t show in front by our necks as much.

We heard her screaming downstairs and were like – shit! She’s going to be in a foul mood when she finally gets to us, and we’re going to get written up because we’ve got a 3-foot-tall stack of books we aren’t supposed to have. We’re only supposed to have 3 each, but it’s so hard to get books in here! She never wrote us up, though. She just took the books and shocked us by doing a very calm, half-assed search. In the past, and Mary agrees with this, she’s made us leave the cell while she’d turn the place inside out so that it’d look like a cyclone went through it once we got back. She didn’t even search the garbage. Mary was counting on me to “work my magic” on her and keep us from getting written up for the books, but I didn’t have to. I was our spokesperson, though. As soon as she went to look into the trash bag, I told her it was trash, and she ignored it and moved on. How kind of her to be so trusting so I could get my big plastic bag back out of the trash that I stuck in there before she came in. I use this to move with.

She asked, “What’s this?” when she came across Mary’s bottle of powder sitting on the floor by the toilet, and I told her.

I forgot to say that when she first came in, she looked rather dismayed at all the books, saying, “You guys got a lot of books.”

“Boy, you are one by-the-book DO!” I told her as she stooped down to bag them. Then, I could’ve sworn I saw a flash of anger cross her face and was like – OOPS! So I didn’t say anything else about the way she does things.

Then Miss Bipolar became all chatty again, even if this extra attention I had prayed for was mostly initiated by me. I showed her my mice and rat pictures and she asked if they were mine, after saying mice and rats were OK when I asked if she liked them.

I showed her the snake picture and told her it waltzed onto our land one day, a 10-acre ranch in Maricopa, and Palma wanted to know who else owned it. When I told her my husband and I owned it, she said she didn’t know I was married. This is when Mary said she caught a change in her expression, which she thought was one of disappointment. By that point, I couldn’t see Palma’s face. We were both sitting on our bunks, and she was up checking Mary’s bunk at that time, so all I could see of her was from the waist down. Before this, when she was lifting the corners of my mattress with me sitting in the middle of it, I asked if she wanted me to get up. She said no in such a soft, kindhearted voice I’ve never heard before, and winked at me.

Although I learned she has a 6-year-old daughter, many women with kids do go with women. I’m just not sure what to make of her. All I know is that she seems to be taking my little crush very well and that I’m a bit more convinced there is something between us. I’m just not 100% sure.

I just can’t believe how talkative she’s become and how much personal shit she’s told me, although it’s not much.

Extra bottles aren’t allowed. Mary was using an old shampoo bottle for her juice drinks and I poured part of my shampoo into it so Palma wouldn’t take it.

On her second to the last walk, Mary asked about the mail and her attitude still seemed changed, as it did on her final walk. She never even said good night. I don’t know if she was just tired or what.

When Temple came on, who’s always so friendly and always smiles, Palma’s expression wasn’t a happy one like it was the last time when she was talking to Tate. This time it seemed to be a cross between serious and disappointing. Maybe even annoyed? Frustrated? Upset? I just don’t know. I also could’ve sworn she gestured to this room a few times. She did smile and laugh a few times, though. The lights were off when I was spying on her, or else I’d never stand in the door and stare like I did. Then all of a sudden, the light came on, and I never flew so fast away from that door! I don’t think she saw me, though. Mary was at the door at the same instant I fell back from it, so if anything, she’d think she was the one spying. Temple turns on the lights to do headcount, which she turns off after the first walk. Then I listened to music like I do at night in the dark.

The negs to M is that they do fewer walks here, and because everyone’s done with their hour outs by the time 2nd shift comes on, I can never be out and about when Palma’s on, except for when we’re getting dinner. But I can see her better in this tower than I could in A’s.

She never did fill that empty bed downstairs last night with someone like Tina. And now there are two big cell beds open, if I heard right, so now I’m doubly nervous. It’s easy to stay in a big cell and hard to stay in a little one.

Anyway, I think a lot, which is one of my favorite things to do. I like to analyze things. So - does Palma like me? Others seem to think so, and I’ve wondered if she could, but every time I decide she does, I then decide she doesn’t. She could still be prejudiced for all I know, and you know what? If she is, I don’t want to know her. I hate people who are prejudiced against people that are harmless, but different (although gays aren’t that unique). I can see prejudice against blacks because blacks hurt people. A dozen white gays could never wreak the devastation and destruction one black could. I just wish I could de-black my life for good!!!

I decided to do something even better than talk less to her next time (it’s part of the game, anyway). I’m going to give off the subtle air that I might be avoiding her. I’m curious to see if she gets curious about it and makes any attempts at chatting with me if I don’t. This ought to be an interesting test.

To sum it up, Mary doesn’t think Palma’s prejudiced, and she thinks she might like me, but I’m still unsure.

Got my copy of the Ad-Seg form Rule coached me into writing. Nice to see she can’t spell! She spelled recommend with one m, but at least I got her ID#.

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It’s a little after 8:00, and a DO who’s pretty cool, but whose name I never caught, is on now. Brea was on 1st shift. I hope Pérez will be on tonight, but I think it’ll be Perry. I like the variety in DOs and never knowing from shift to shift who’ll be on. At the same time, I wish Palma were a regular! Anyway, Perry’s loud, rude and obnoxious. The bitch goes out of her way to deliberately shine the flashlight in our eyes, too.

Ever since I sang really loud late at night through the vent, we haven’t heard that juvi chick next door.