I’m on nights right now and as soon as I got up at 4:30, Tom was asking me about my dreams.

First, though, I would’ve fallen asleep earlier had I not gotten sick. I thought I was going to puke for a minute there. First my throat started burning, then I felt nauseous. Every now and then I like to reinforce my belief that yes, prayer is a joke if only for me, and no, it’s not my imagination - something up there really does NOT listen to Jodi S. And when it appears to listen to others it’s probably a coincidence seeing that none of us have it all, after all. Wishful thinking or not, I prayed anyway for it to stop so I could fall asleep.

Nothing.

I like to fall asleep on my stomach but that made me feel worse so I lay on my side. I even felt unusually cold, even under a heavy blanket and with a memory foam topper.

Anyway, as soon as I got up Tom was on me about my dreams. I actually slept better than usual and didn’t recall any dreams, though I wondered if the “dream people” puking on my feet the day before had to do with my feeling like I was going to puke.

“Nothing scary or anything like that?” he asks.

I shook my head and right away I knew something was up. The only thing they “told” me was that Nane’s pinky and ring fingernails grow faster than her index and middle fingers and she confirmed this to be in fact true, and that was the other day. Hey, they tell me everything from trivial things to life-threatening situations like what we were in a few years ago.

Next he tells me they found something bad with my blood tests. They wanted to see me today but Tom didn’t get the message till 4:30. They’re not allowed to get into it over the phone, so we don’t know what it could be about, but we have our theories. This is just what we fucking need now when we’re a week away from going to Hawaii! Again I wonder – and worry – just how much of these appointments could end up costing us a ton of time and money and maybe even delay the home improvements indefinitely.

Tom had a class the managers have at work. They called at 10:30, but he was too busy to pick up the message till later. He called them back, of course. The doctor is already aware of my sleep issues and all that, but since it was already so late in the day anyway, they said the next time they could see me was on the 3rd. But that’s the day we’re due back from Hawaii. Two more weeks won’t kill me and if it is what we think it is, I’ll just watch what I eat. Tom gave them permission to leave detailed messages, so hopefully they’ll give us a hint and either confirm or shoot down our suspicions. Still, it kind of has a way of taking the excitement out of finally being insured, you know?

We both agree it can’t be life-threatening or else they’d have been insisting I get into a specialist immediately. I also didn’t have any nightmares. Then again, and as I pointed out to Tom, neither did I before my Dad died. I was totally surprised and caught off guard, bad heart or not.

“That’s different,” he told me. “Anytime something bad has happened to us directly you’ve had nightmares.”

So since I haven’t gone falling from 20-foot shower stalls, been pitched overboard from speedboats, or caught on the top floor of a building where a riot has broken out, it should, at worst, be nothing more than a big old pain in the ass.

The first possibility we ruled out was hepatitis and AIDS. I don’t do drugs and I’ve never had sex with anyone other than Tom since we met. Unless we’ve reached a point where just looking at hotties and having crushes on them can cause these things (which would be Nane’s fault, LOL), this isn’t possible.

Wacky cholesterol seems unlike but a high white blood cell count could be in which case I may have a minor infection somewhere. But where? My teeth? Unlikely. I’m not in enough pain. Between the legs? Unlikely. I think that IF anything funny is going on down there it would most likely be warts caused by excessive moisture one can get from working out. I’ll find that out in April, but I think all will be fine down there.

So what is our guess? Diabetes. I have too many symptoms and it is hereditary, like it or not. I used to think only fat people got it, but you can actually be skinny and get it, too. Obese people, on the other hand, are more at risk of getting it. I’m fat but not obese. Not yet anyway. I read that type 1 can’t be prevented, but being active and at an ideal weight may prevent type 2. An active lifestyle is no problem, but an ideal weight is impossible. Another scarily familiar thing I read was “trouble seeing (especially at night), light sensitivity, blindness in the future.”

Wonder if the OH the eye doc caught last year is connected?

Of course the one symptom I don’t have is the best one, weight loss. I knew that PMS and pregnancy could cause hunger, but didn’t realize diabetes could, too. I knew of the other symptoms, though. Tired of worrying and obsessing over my weight I resigned myself to the fact that I would never lose weight since I can’t stand the hunger and fatigue that goes with dieting, and figured I’d always be at least 25 pounds overweight. I’m naturally hungry and with occasional bouts of fatigue, so that’s part of why I haven’t lost the weight. I don’t doubt that Nutrisystem works, but that’s only if you can actually STICK to it. I don’t see how I ever could, though, so I learned to look at the pros of being big and accepted that this would be how I would live the rest of my years.

Another thing I’ve experienced for a few years now is these mysterious head rushes. Sometimes I get them after eating sugar, other times they just seem to come on for no apparent reason, but feelings of lightheadedness would be consistent would diabetes. Also, Tom got a home testing kit for that and cholesterol and my sugar level numbers did once seem a bit high. But then we tested me again and I seemed fine.

Worst-case scenario I will have to watch what I eat. Most days I don’t have junk food, but sugar is found in more things than we realize. Even watermelon has tons of natural sugars in it. So a tweak of my menu is probably in order for me, but don’t ever expect me to get down to the 120s.

Later…

I realized that the symptoms of what we suspect may be diabetes, until I can get back to the doctor, have probably been festering for years. Like back when I was thin, though again, weight doesn’t seem to impact it so much as genes, unless you’re extremely heavy. Seems like it was 5 or more years ago when I noticed I seem to be thirsty a lot and a peeaholic. Then the dizzy spells started. I won’t even get into the hunger and how I have some days where nothing seems to fill me up, or when it does, it’s not for long and I end up having to stuff myself silly for half the day just to feel satiated for more than 5 minutes.

This is exactly what I feared would happen too; that God would “punish” me for finally getting what I wanted in life, a home of our own. I didn’t worry about it all the time on a conscious level, but it was a concern that was always at least in the back of my mind. While so many others can get something for nothing, I seem to have to pay dearly, even if it’s something I deserve. And hey, when He can’t beat us over the head with money, why not go after my health, right? I still don’t think it’ll amount to much more than a hassle and an inconvenience. Diabetes isn’t usually serious unless you’re dumb enough to scarf down tons of candy bars when you have type 2. Then you could be risking heart disease and strokes and shit like that.

I’m just trying not to think of the many, many appointments for various doctors that await me as I get caught up on things, or how the costs could really add up. Totally, totally something God would let happen, too.

Later…

I was thinking about how simple this trip should be compared to when I won the Caribbean cruise in 2007. Here we will just drive ourselves to the airport, hop on the plane in Sacramento, go straight through to our destination, then do the same coming home.

The cruise trip, though, was hectic as hell. We walked the 10-minute walk to the train station in Klamath Falls, OR, trained up to Portland, spent a night in a hotel, flew out of Portland the next day to the hub in Atlanta, Georgia, flew to Fort Lauderdale, FL, stayed overnight in a hotel, took a taxi the next day to the ship, then repeated the process coming home.