After I got up today, the reason I injured my back hit me like a bell in the night. I don’t know why but for some reason I’ve totally been forgetting to do my back flies when exercising. After a few days of getting back on that and doing additional ab crunches, my core should strengthen back up.

My period continues to be light and I’m still caught in the riptide between my body wanting to go into a full-fledged period, yet remaining waterlogged and PMSy. I just wonder how many more fucking years this is going to go on. I’m tired of always being the one to get the short end of the stick. So many women stop younger than me and I don’t know that that many have had such severe degrees of perimenopause as I have. But when I hear this one’s getting a hysterectomy and that one’s hit menopause before they’re even 50, I can’t help but wonder when the hell I’m going to get any breaks. I never get off easy on anything, so it seems.

If I ever want to feel like there’s a God up there who actually listens, all I have to do is pray that I never lose weight, continue not to hear from Kathleen, get more periods, suffer anxiety again… and voila! Done deal it is. But then if I was crazy enough to actually want these things, of course I wouldn’t get them.

The kitchen rug arrived today and despite careful measuring, it’s a little too big. So I’m kinda pissed. I don’t know that this rug can be cut without damaging it or causing it to unravel in any way.

We attached the tray to the treadmill yesterday so I can hopefully increase my activity levels, but I’m at the point now where it’s so damn easy to gain weight and so impossible to lose it that I don’t think it’s going to do me any good weight-wise. I may reap the other health benefits it has to offer, but I don’t think there’s anything I can do about my weight at this point. It is whatever it’s going to be until they either come up with a miracle, I get ill, or I get old and start withering away.

In the final months before Dad died, he said they couldn’t eat as much as they used to. So I guess that unless something develops to rob me of my appetite if there are no breakthroughs, I could still be a good 20 years or so away from losing my appetite. What’s sad is that I don’t usually overeat. Meaning that while it’s obviously too much for me it’s less than what most people consume. I rarely go over 2000 calories a day. I have 1500-1700. I don’t know why 1200 is so hard for me to maintain but I still can get pretty hungry at times and some days that feels like I’m starving. That’s what it would take, though, day after day, month after month, for me to lose.

Anyway, I’ll walk outdoors for 15 to 20 minutes and then I’ll make up the rest of the time indoors. I’ve already been on the skier now for almost 10. They say 30 minutes is what you want to do to help your LDL score and 60 minutes for weight loss. I’ll be the first to admit I don’t usually do an hour of cardio but more like 20 to 30 minutes depending on what I’m doing. Indoors I now have three things at my disposal. The Bowflex, the skier, and the treadmill. So that right there gives me some variety even though my favorite thing is walking and jogging outdoors. I hate the cold but it’s better to be too cold out there than too warm. It’s supposed to get down to 41° tonight but I’ll be out there while it’s still in the 50s. It’s in the 60s now.

I slept horribly and it wasn’t because of traffic. I just kept waking up for no reason at all. After five hours of sleep, I got up and made some Sleepytime tea and that put me out for a few more hours. I’m kind of surprised traffic didn’t wake me up because every time I woke up I could hear something thundering by. I guess it’s just pre-lab/appointment jitters, even though it’s silly because I have no reason to be nervous about it. It’s just a schedule stressor, I guess. I’m at the point where I really have to push it and that puts a lot of pressure on me.