So as I
last said pertaining to Kim and Aly, I contacted them on NaNo, though I didn’t
say anything bad. I mostly wanted to surprise them. They couldn’t simply block
me because they don’t have a block feature there, and I’m thankful for that
because it may have helped lead to a future reconnection. Yes, the prospect is
exciting, even if it probably shouldn’t be. They weren’t always kind and honest
with me and I went through a lot of grief on account of them in the past.
However,
so did they. I was just as guilty at times of dishonesty and trolling. I
totally admit that. I said some pretty nasty things in the heat of the moment,
and I can totally understand where Aly may be very hesitant to trust me to be
kind in the future due to the way I was so back and forth for a while there. I
went back and forth between being sad from missing her to being angry and
resentful that she dumped me. During those sad moments, I would reach out to
her with words of kindness. During my angry moments, I had anything but kind
things to say. I was a real asshole at times, to say the least.
After
contacting them on NaNo and Twitter, I first got the usual silent treatment,
then I got told to go away, but then when Aly suggested we may reconnect in the
future, I felt compelled to behave, so to speak. I won’t contact anyone unless
I’m contacted first. And I assured her that if we reconnect I will be a lot
less judgmental than I was in the past. I’m still going to be myself, though,
and I’m still going to be honest if she asks for my opinion on anything. My
political views aren’t always going to be what most people’s are and I still
have things to do and circadian rhythm disorder and can’t always be available
when someone needs to chat. The point is that I will make a point of being less
critical, and as Aly once said, she has a right to pick and choose her own
friends. So no matter how suspicious I may be of someone like I was with Molly,
I’ll keep my opinions to myself. While I certainly wouldn’t want to see her
hurt or burned in any way, I realized that if she makes a mistake with someone it’s
her mistake to make.
I’m also
sorry if I falsely accused anyone of trolling me that might not have. There was
someone else in the picture back then that was making trouble for all three of
us and they put a lot of strain on the friendship. As the person I accused
pointed out, people do impersonate others at times. I realize I couldn’t see
who was on the other end of the computer and that it could have been anybody.
Furthermore, maybe Kim’s reaction when I confronted her wasn’t an act of guilt
but actually an act of being pissed over being falsely accused. I still think
she was behind at least some of it, but I’ll never know who said what for sure
way back when on Ask. But you know what? These days it doesn’t matter who said
what several years ago. Its ancient history, and again, I was no angel myself.
When I
apologized in a tweet to Kim, she surprised me with a reply saying that maybe
we could reconnect in the future as well, she misses the fun times we had, etc.
I’d like that. I do miss her and her silliness. :-) We had some interesting
chats and she was a great troubleshooter for me if I wanted to test anything
out. I even miss the way she would overtweet like crazy, LOL.
As for
Aly, I miss her intelligence, her input, and her advice. So much I’d love to
ask her. I’m especially concerned for her health, but I know that while some
people may appreciate one caring enough to ask about it, others may see it as
meddling, and I don’t want to put anyone on the spot or make them
uncomfortable.
Despite
any past problems and despite the times I was angry, I never stopped caring
about them. In the years we haven’t been friends I’ve wondered about their
lives… what they were doing, where they were living, who was a part of their
lives, how they were feeling, etc. Kim said they don’t know yet why Tracy died
and that she’s living with a “new relative” who’s a control freak. I guess
she’s not allowed online as much and came to realize sitting in front of a
computer all the time wasn’t good for her. So she’s more active these days.
I’ve
also missed keeping them up to date on my own life. I know I would have loved
to share some things with them about Stacey. I remember being sad and
frustrated that I couldn’t run to Aly for her opinion on the matter.
Never
was there a time when we weren’t friends that I wouldn’t have gladly opened my
door and given them something to eat had they shown up on my doorstep starving
and homeless. I guess I’m not the unforgiving little ice princess I sometimes
wish I was, haha. And yeah, it would be a lot easier and safer to be the same
hermit in cyberspace that I am in person, but that would also be pretty boring,
wouldn’t it? I know I swore for the longest time that I would never be friends
with Kim again because like it or not, she still did harass the hell out of me.
Even Aly knew that and she said so, too. That’s part of why I was so surprised
she would want to continue being friends with her. Kim has lied and done things
to Aly as well. Kim is not only not all there but she can be annoying at times.
Like she said, though, I still miss the fun times we had. I realize they could
be playing with me about reconnecting (they did that to Molly once) but
whatever happens, happens.
Anyway,
people can and do change over the years and they don’t all repeat their past
mistakes. I think most people change and that human evolution is pretty
inevitable. I did some stupid shit. I see that. I admit that. And I don’t want
to do it again. The only way to know if someone is sincere is to give them a
chance to show whether or not they are, but I don’t mind taking things slow.
There’s no hurry. I’m not going anywhere.
We don’t
have to connect on places like Facebook and stuff like that and they don’t have
to give me their phone numbers for texting either. But if I’m sent a friend
request on Facebook I’ll accept it, and if I’m asked for my number I’ll give
it. If we stick to just Twitter, that’s fine too. I currently have two accounts
there. One in which I share pictures on Prosebox, and the other I was once
using to track my health which they know about. Even though it’s not in my real
name, I guess I’m going to make that my regular Twitter account for now. I may
later create a third account that can be for anybody and everybody. But this
one I’m not going to share right now.
For
about eight years, we were the Aly, Kim and Jodi trio in my mind. I thought
we’d always be friends. Always. I was sad and hurt when it ended though I kept
telling myself there would be other cyber friends, and there was. However, it
just wasn’t the same. Aly and Kim were my first real cyber friends and I think
I had a different mindset back then because social media was still relatively
new. So all the “originals” like Aly, Kim, Mitch, Adonis and Christine and even
Nane, will always be special in many ways. Some people really are irreplaceable
and sometimes there really is nothing like the original thing. I could meet
someone online right now and we could hit it off and be friends for many years
and keep in touch regularly, and while that might be nice, it just wouldn’t be
the same. The thing is that I really came to love Aly. Not in any kind of a
romantic way, of course. Even though she wasn’t always honest with me, she was
there for me when I went through a lot of shit in life. She was inspiring and
encouraging and I liked how she looked up to me for advice on certain matters
because I’m older, and not by just a few years.
I don’t
care if they mention my name in journals or stories, but I’ll keep their names
initialed in public and will use my best judgment as to what I mention. Their
health and what they’re doing for work and where they’re living are certainly
no one’s business unless they choose to make it their business.
Nane was
in my dreams last night but I don’t remember it. Also, I was complaining to Tom
that my legs looked ugly, and then a baby kangaroo hopped into our place and
turned into a baby koala bear.
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