I wanted to do this entry while skiing but I’m just way too tired. Fucking traffic woke me up. Again. This time it was at night. It’s totally fucking frustrating to be going through this year after year. Since knowing Tom I have slept the absolute worst in this place of all the places we’ve lived. Making one last-ditch effort to try to combat the problem with a $25 pillow sound machine but if that doesn’t work, then yeah, we’ve got to find a quieter place to live. Even if there was more noise in general, as long as it wasn’t so close to such a busy street it would help tremendously if this new sound machine proves to be a bust. It’s a Bluetooth speaker that you can hook up to a phone, tablet, laptop, whatever.

This is my third day of sleep deprivation and it’s really getting old fast. We really are like batteries that need to recharge, and I’m tired of getting my charging cord yanked out too soon before I can fully recharge up to a hundred percent. I’m like a car with no gas. You don’t realize the tremendous amount of energy it takes just to sit up and talk out a journal entry until you’ve had your sleep cut short.

My first thought was that getting rid of that loud car (if it really was me that got rid of it) was pointless after all if other things were just going to steal my sleep anyway. But I’m still glad it’s gone because I really got tired of having to listen to it come and go six times a day. I might’ve put up with it if it could’ve come and gone once and sometimes twice, but coming and going all day and all night was overkill in something that loud.

Nothing actually woke me up yesterday but I didn’t sleep as long as I should have and I was up a long time, too. I’m just not sleeping the usual eight hours or more as I used to and that’s causing my schedule to roll a lot slower. Instead of an average of 1.5-hour jumps, it’s now about an hour and even or less when I’m woken up. Starting to wonder if I’m going to make it to Doc A.

Anything is better than anxiety, but I would rather be stuck in a tiny snowy dump and able to sleep and do things and live my life than to live here, not be able to sleep and therefore not be able to function at my fullest. Lost sleep can really ruin your entire day. It was a struggle just to order the fucking groceries and change the beds. It’s like being ordered to go on bedrest since all you can really do is lay around most of the time. So, so glad I don’t work! I’d have been fired from one job after another with my sleep issues, not to mention the peri.

Yesterday I almost felt like I had a cold minus the coughing, sneezing and congestion. My head had that fuzzy kind of feeling we get when we have a cold.

This is the second day that I’ve been unable to work out due to lack of sleep and I’m asking myself the same question I’ve been asking all my life… why? Why is my sleep so fucking cursed? It’s bad enough not to be able to keep a schedule, but if anything up there cursed me with this, did it really have to add insult to injury by also making sure that I was the lightest sleeper on earth as well? I don’t understand why I can’t sleep through things like I did when I was young and like most other people can. It sucks even more when you’re not awake enough to do much of anything, but you can’t get back to sleep or nap either. I’ve heard that if the body is tired enough it will sleep. So then why won’t mine? Either way, I’m sure I’ll be up 16-20 hours and sleep just 7 hours when I feel like I could use 10-12 right about now. If that’s all my body really needs then why am I left feeling so exhausted? I really wanted to finish my book today and start upping the exercise to help at least lower my LDL score if not my weight.

Anyway, it was quiet yesterday due to the rain which has made the house stink of that old rotted wood smell I used to smell in the trailer. My lungs are a bit tight, too. Today I’m sure it will be quite noisy with both traffic and landscaping. Never have I lived in a place where those two things have been such regular issues. I even slept with all the loud stereos in Oregon. But then we were further back from the street and I had a loud air cleaner that vibrated the frame of the bed. I think that vibration was important, but we haven’t had any luck with the vibrators we’ve tried so far. I think the main problem is that there are simply way too many loud vehicles these days and we’re practically right on the street. I don’t understand why we don’t take advantage of today’s technology and make all vehicles as quiet as ours. Our car is not rare. There are still enough quiet vehicles, so it goes to show that it’s not impossible. But at least a third of them are very loud and I don’t understand why. Is it the need to get attention or something? The thought of living here for another 5 to 10 years does not sit well with me, but past patterns have shown that there will be a problem of some kind no matter where we go. But I know we can find places where I’m not woken up as much, even if I have to listen to all kinds of shit when I’m awake because we’ve lived in them before. Oregon was just as noisy as this place. The only difference was that there it was music and mutts, here it’s motors and landscaping. But I could still sleep there more often than I can here.

Running out of juice to keep typing so I’ll finish up tomorrow.