I unblocked Palma and “reacted” to a couple of her posts. Just curious as to what her reaction might be. I realize I was just being unnecessarily paranoid by blocking her, and even if she did say anything nasty to me, so what? They’re just words. All I have to do is ignore her and or block her again for good.

Just when I thought I was getting better since I didn’t have much pain yesterday, I’m back to burning to the point that I feel like someone took a razor and made a little slit down there or like they’re pinching me between their fingernails. It was driving me crazy enough to take a Benadryl so I could escape in sleep if only for a few hours since nothing else I did seemed to help. It’s a little better now but not much.

I just don’t know what to do. Do I go back to the dermatologist? Do I stop the steroids?

Even though this is definitely the lesser of the two evils, I feel like I’m going through the same shit I went through with the anxiety of going crazy trying to figure out how to help myself, and feeling like it’s never going to end. I will not, and I repeat, I will not succumb to another medical crisis! If there is a God up there who has chosen to inflict this upon me, I will not give in to it. I will not be a victim of one medical crisis after another for the rest of my life. I simply will not.

I would really like to just accept the fact that it’s not going away, toughen up, and hope it doesn’t get worse. I’d really like to just learn to live with it and hope I get so used to it that I don’t even notice it anymore if that’s even possible since it’s that severe. Yes, I worry about it getting worse to the point that it’s hard for me to even walk, and yes, I worry about it obstructing my pee hole, but I’m tired of being a victim of one problem after another. I need to learn to ignore these things as best as I can for ignorance really is bliss. Yes, it’s hard to ignore something when you’re in that much pain but I really need to move on. I’m not old and I don’t have anything terminal, so since I have many years ahead of me, I need to learn to just live with the shit I get in life whether it’s coming at me by happenstance or from something up there that wants me to suffer. I’m not going to let this be the next long-term crisis even if it may not compare to the freeloaders, poverty, and the anxiety crises. It may not be a crisis but it may be the new ear that was really TMJ and I’m determined not to let it get to me. I want to just wash my hands clean of it, walk away and ignore it like I should have with the freeloaders’ legal abuse down in Arizona. As I’ve learned, I can either sit back and take it, fight back, or just not give in to it by letting it get to me so much. It’s not going away, so since this problem is mine for life, I just have to accept it like with my TMJ, my thyroid, my weight, and everything else. So time to be a good little sufferer.

We went to Michael’s in the afternoon and while they had some cute things that I would have then been quick to grab had I found them in the ‘90s, I didn’t end up getting anything because I already have so much stuff.

Then we went swimming. We were the only ones there. I just wish they would heat the damn pool normally instead of being so greedy! The water was pretty chilly because we had some cool nights. And even though we weren’t there long, this annoying plane was buzzing round and round. Ironically enough, though, the flying has been better overall since I complained. Of course I had to listen to tree saws and traffic, though.

Last night I dreamed about Johnson. I’m not sure what the dream was about but it seemed to have something to do with me being her girlfriend. I don’t know if I was just thinking about being her girlfriend or if I actually was.

Then Nane was in a dream but I don’t remember enough of it to say what it was about.