My GYN finally contacted me online to say that I don’t have any bacterial or yeast infections. Again, I have mixed emotions about that. I may have a medication phobia but a part of me wishes it was an infection because then I could get rid of it along with more of the irritation with antibiotics.

Amazingly, I haven’t gained back all my weight. Just three of the five pounds I lost. I know I’ll never get under the 150s but I’ve been slacking off, so back to mostly veggies and a lot of walking!

Took the bike out just after midnight and the for-sale sign at Ray’s house doesn’t say it’s sold yet but the lights were on inside and the drapes were parted when I rode by and could see that their built-in bookcase was empty. I caught a glimpse of Ray on his patio, probably smoking a cigarette. By the time I looped around the circle, went down to the lake and back, then returned to the circle, the light was still on but the drapes were closed and Ray was inside. Get outa here you grumpy, gossiping, delusional old fart!

Sometimes I get bored and wish for something to break up the monotony. Even when you really enjoy doing the things you do, doing them every day with little to no variety thrown in can get old. Yet as excited as I am for Aly’s upcoming visit and our Hawaiian vacation, I get more worried due to the fact that my schedule gets harder and harder to control with time. I used to have some control over it but now I have virtually none.

I’ll have to reschedule Dr. O for sure. I’d like to think I’m not going to get anxious ever again and that I could just cancel her and never see her again, but I know that’s not realistic. I expect the anxiety to get me anytime now since I’ve been taking the medication consistently for almost a month. I learned years ago not to think I’m over anything for good. My heart may not have raced me awake in quite a while so there are a few things that do seem to be a thing of the past, but it was only a couple of months ago that I was last anxious.

Walmart should be calling both of our doctors today with refill requests.

The schedule thing is a definite curse from above if there is anything up there and definitely life-debilitating. More so than any other problem I’ve had. Not that I ever plan to find out but I can just imagine how much harder it would be for me to survive half a year in jail in this day and age with the way it’s not only gotten harder to control my schedule but harder for me to deal with being short on sleep. Plus, there are health issues I didn’t have before. I shudder to think of women incarcerated going through similar health issues.

I worry about the future. I know I shouldn’t keep doing this year after year but I do. I can’t help but wonder how we’re going to manage in the end. I don’t drive, I can’t keep a schedule, so where does that leave me? I know self-driving cars are likely to be a thing when we’re old but I still worry in general. I worry about how I would handle additional health issues and appointments and I especially worry about who would be there for us if we were really suffering and disabled. Neither of us would ever want to be in a nursing home any more than we’d ever want to be in jail. Even nursing homes require schedules and even if they would be a helluva lot more understanding when it came to circadian rhythm disorder than any jail would be, still… I couldn’t just sleep there whenever.

The only dream I remember last night was Bob and Virginia being over here and me worried that Virginia would freak out because the rats were loose.

They had a dog name Rosa and Bob joked about going home and kicking the shit out of her, something I’m sure he would never say in real life, of course, much less actually do.

I can tell Aly’s depression is picking up and with the way she whined on Twitter about no one being around that she’s reached out to and questioning life, friendship and the genuineness of people, I wonder if I’m on the verge of being dumped again. But you know what? If I am, I am. I know that as smart as she may be she’s not always very stable. Also, I’ve learned from experience that being dumped a second time by the same person doesn’t have the same impact the initial dumping has. In other words, I wouldn’t bother to try to keep the friendship going if there was another fallout with her or Kim. While I definitely want to remain friends, I ain’t going to fight for shit if she ever lets me go again. I won’t troll her but I won’t “work” to get her back either. Not saying that’s going to happen but she’s definitely having a rough time of it now.