Woke up in pain with my crotch feeling like it was on fire and got so pissed off and frustrated at the suffering I’ve been doing ever since we’ve lived here that I actually slammed my fist on my desk and flung off my portable AC and a bottle of water. OMG, I am just so, SO sick of suffering! While this may be the lesser evil, I am not going to be driven crazy all over again while I scramble to try to figure out how to make myself better. I will not play that game again. I will not.

I said I was done with the appointment game and that I was just going to suffer no matter what, but that’s easy to say until you have such intense burning and pain. Even though I know it’s not going to do me a damn bit of good, I may have to return to the dermatologist. Well, that is only if they don’t tell me they can’t get me in for 3 months or something like that. If that’s the case I may as well either continue suffering or go to Urgent Care.

I’m starting to wonder if some of this intense burning that’s been coming and going is actually steroid damage. So I’ve stopped the steroids. The thing is, what else can I do??? I’ve tried everything I can think of yet it’s not responding to anything. There doesn’t seem to be any kind of pattern. It comes on whenever and it stops whenever. I’m not sure seeing anybody about it is going to help because we already know it’s not an infection and it’s not cancer so why go for temporary solutions that have side effects? If they can’t help me I’m going to have to either accept and live with the pain or kill myself. There really doesn’t seem to be much else I can do.

I can’t help but wonder if there is a God up there that has made this happen or is at least allowing it to happen or if it’s all just random. I want so bad to throw in the towel and just kill myself but I don’t know that I’d have the guts unless anything happened to Tom, and I don’t want to abandon him when he may have another 20-25 years left to live.

Besides suffering, I got a wireless earbud like what Tom has only mine is rose gold instead of white.

I continue to hear annoying landscaping sounds every single day and right now I’m wishing that was my only complaint. I really miss the days when my problems were external. Even the allergy attacks I would have would be better than this. This shit is even worse than my TMJ. It’s not as bad as anxiety but it’s worse than being light-headed or tired.

I had a dream that I was sleeping on a cot in the same room my parents were sleeping in. It may have been a living room. I heard rustling coming from another part of the house and woke them up, certain that someone had broken in. Then I could see light and shadows moving under the doorway just as they were pushing the covers off their faces which led to another part of the house.

Then I had a dream that I was talking to both Andy and Marla on the phone. Later I was sitting by myself in a restaurant booth, looking out the window and silently scolding myself for spending too much time on social media and the phone when I should be doing other things.