The only dreams I remember were very vague snippets. Larry was to visit Andy’s family. When I caught Andy alone at one point I asked if my brother was still there (they might have been having dinner somewhere) and he said he left after saying he had “murder to grow.” I knew this meant that he was involved in law enforcement somehow.

Then my mother was sitting at a small table with Charlotte. Charlotte looked at me funny and I wondered if it was because I had gained weight since she last saw me or if she just wasn’t all there. Either way, I ignored her and reminded my mother that the two mannequins we got were for me to learn to sew and that we needed to get working on that. I guess we were doing a project together.

Then Mom and some guy were visiting. I was on the couch while they were on the floor. We were watching a video they’d made. I told Mom to let me know if she wanted to sit on the couch. Then Tom and I were in another room watching the vid on a larger couch.

My new rat tote is awesome! The large photo of the Berkshire rat on it is clear and cool looking. I’m able to put my purse right inside it. This way I get a quick and easy change from a pink purse to a rat tote without having to empty out and move my stuff.

Still have irritation right at the opening of my pussy and I wonder just how bad it could get if I stop treating it. Is my crotch the new ear? The new ear that turned out to be TMJ that I’ll have to suffer from for 12 years before someone finally suggests something that’s actually helpful?

I wish I had something good to say other than that the noise has been absolutely maddening around here. If someone had told me that the noisiest place I would live in would be an adult community, I would have laughed my ass off. Although I’ve only lived in one, it tells me that it’s pointless to confine our searches to adult communities only when we go to move.

Later…

I think I found my next crisis. Or better yet, I think it found me. The lichen sclerosis I have is getting worse. Further research shows that it can change the looks of you down there as well as with male privates, though it’s usually something that affects postmenopausal women, and sometimes you may need surgery because the inner and outer lips can stick together. Lovely, huh?

So I took a look down there and yeah, it looks deformed. I can’t feel my clit either. Some woman who shared her story said something about the clit flattening and having treatment to get it to re-emerge. So I guess it’s there since so far I’m still able to pee as usual but it’s mashed flat or something like that.

It’s gross and disgusting and it makes me so fucking angry. If there is a God up there, damn the motherfucker to hell and back! As if I haven’t had enough shit in life. It is literally one thing after another with me. I don’t know that this will escalate to a full-scale crisis in the way it did with the shitsters in Arizona, the poverty we went through, or what I went through with my meds and anxiety, but it’s bad enough. I’m inflamed, in pain, and burning a hell of a lot more than I am itching. Definitely too noticeable to ignore. I’m fucked if this shit causes me to bleed and affects my ass. I can’t imagine being able to shit if this thing invades my ass any more than I can imagine being able to have sex with the way it’s really affected the area around my pussy.

My research shows that it’s not deadly in any way and can’t get inside the vag but I still worry it’s going to keep getting worse to the point that I’m not even able to walk. What happens when I start bleeding? What happens if it hurts too much to pee? What happens if it hurts too much to shit? Then what? It can partially block the urethra and cause a “spray” to the piss but it hasn’t gotten to that point yet.

Some say apple cider vinegar, as well as coconut oil, can relieve the symptoms and then there’s this natural remedy backed by a board-certified doctor called Emuaid but I’m just not sure what the fuck to do anymore. Or even if there is anything I can do but suffer and hope I one day get used to it somehow, some way.

I’m just tired of having one thing after another! It’s like something up there hexed me sexually all my life by denying me true lust and pairing me with sexually defunct partners, and now it’s cursing my very sex directly. What’s next? Will it go after my uterus or something? I really wish I would get something that would just kill me but I know I won’t. If there’s anything up there, then it obviously wants me to suffer so it’s not going to kill me just yet. I could wish I’d kept my mouth shut about the spot on my back, but I know that had I not said anything it would have simply resulted in more pain and aggravation for me. Not death.

I’d like to not give whatever may be up there that has thrown this on me the satisfaction of giving into it, but again, some things you just can’t ignore. I’d like to just close my mind and eyes to it and simply walk away but then I may suffer even more. Or maybe not. I just don’t know. I’ve been dealing with it, after all, by treating it, and I’m still suffering. So how do you ignore something that you can’t?

I don’t know if this should make me feel more picked on or not but while thyroid diseases are very common and there are something like 30 million cases in the US, there are less than 200,000 cases of lichen sclerosis in the country.

The only good thing I have to say at the moment is that other than the time the loud car came in at 7:30 in the morning, it’s definitely putting in much fewer appearances.

Also, the roadwork has wound down even though I know that in a matter of days, someone will start another project somewhere that I’ll have to listen to for days if not weeks on end.

I also got my horse tats and my glittery birds and flowers. They look nice. I have a flower and bird on my chest and arm, and a horse on my hand and calf.

So far I’ve assembled three dressers, a desk, a chair, a shelf, and the bathtub. Next, I have to do a vanity basket, the sink and mirror, and then the beds and patio furniture. After that, I can begin the actual assembly of the house. There may be some outdoor accessories as well to assemble like plants.